1. John McCain will be the Republican nominee. I know, I know, but remember: it’s always the guy (or guy’s wife) everybody thought it would be when they weren’t really paying attention, because that’s how people vote.

2. But what about Mitt Romney? Imagine this debate question:

Mr. Romney, you belong to a religion which – while accepting the Christian Bible in a limited sense – believes that it has been made obsolete by a later revelation involving polygamy and exotic dietary restrictions. So, wait: are you a Shitte or a Sunni?

Yes, please: let us discuss the unity of faith. That always works so well.

3a. God, thank you for Mike Huckabee. And especially for his supporters. Because – good, God-fearing Christians as they are – they got together and asked themselves “What Would Jesus (were He in Our place) Do?” And, after much prayer and study of scripture, they came to the only possible answer: He would anonymously accuse John McCain of treason and miscegenation.

3b. All of which is McCain’s just deserts. In 2000, Bush pulled this same exact shit against him, and he acted all outraged that anyone would stoop to such low tactics, etc., etc. In 2004, Bush pulled similar shit against Kerry, but I guess the maverick McCain had his mouth too full of Karl Rove’s cock for him to voice much disapproval. Now – presumably to work around the writer’s strike – they’re reusing the same script they used eight years ago. Har-har.

4. Here’s to a long, eventful, and inconclusive Republican primary race.