Or just democracy.
Me? I voted for Obama, mostly because hilzoy said I should, and I do whatever the internets tell me to do. And I voted ‘no’ on all ballot initiatives, only because there wasn’t a “if we put one more facking po-faced Indian on your TV to horseshit you about these initiatives, you’re going to fucking scalp us” option for #’s 93-whateverthefuck. Dude, I don’t know how to write your fucking gaming contract. Do I look like I know something about gaming contacts? That’s because I don’t. Additionally, I pay the salaries of several hundred people in Sacramento (if that really is the capitol of California – I have my doubts) to handle boring things like that, so I don’t need to have 50,000 teary Indians on my TV telling me that ballot initiatives minus infinity through infinity are/aren’t the best/worst thing that could ever/never happen to them every time someone needs to make a decision about something. Do your damned jobs, and stop bitching at me about it. Gamble all you want. Do I look like I give a shit what you do? Leave me the fuck out of it.
Also, there was no ballot initiative for getting Carlos Mencia off my TV, despite the fact that’s he’s horrible. I have a pretty high tolerance for non-PC humor, but seriously: the guy does the retard voice. THE RETARD VOICE. That was hacky in fourth grade. If you are over the age of seven, and you think the retard voice is even remotely funny – and if you aren’t actually retarded – you need to kill yourself right now. Trust me on this. I’ll explain why later – first, kill yourself. There’s no time to lose. Thanks.
Quite possible. But mostly he’s just not funny.
Also, new rule: if your mom had a wacky immigrant accent, you’re allowed one joke about it. That’s one ‘joke’, not one ‘career’. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that funny accents aren’t kind of funny, because they are kind of funny, sometimes. Sometimes. SECOND JOKE NEEDED. Thank you.
February 5, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I voted for Carlos Mencia for President. Satan told me to.
February 5, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Fucking amen. I’ve been voting a strict “consider for a moment actually doing your phoney-baloney jobs, jackasses” lines on ballot questions in California since moving here, and plan to for the duration of my stay. Say what you will about the nonstop entertainment that was city and state politics in Philadelphia and New York, but at least they knew better than to toss this kind of trifling bullshit onto the ballot.
February 5, 2008 at 10:24 pm
if your mom had a wacky immigrant accent
As my mum used to say, “Der arme Mann saugt wirklich diese Tage.”
February 5, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Goddamn funny!
February 5, 2008 at 11:13 pm
I think you’ll agree that he’s talented at repeatedly saying “beaner”.
February 6, 2008 at 1:04 am
stolen, almost verbatim, from a bill hicks riff where he asks people in the audience at a gig in NYC if they work in advertising.
tombradylovinmotherfucker
February 6, 2008 at 2:08 am
The proposition system is so wrong. Seemingly democratic, yet so not. Every year the tricks get better. Like a term-limits prop that’s designed to confuse pro-term limit people to vote against term limits by voting yes. Classy.
The Indian contracts. Sacramento’s Wanderlust is so profound, retention of power is the only job these clowns know how to do. So instead of making tough choices legislators pass down purposely confusing legislation to lay-people.
You need a law or poli sci degree to vote now. I don’t even explain the nuances of the legislation anymore, I just tell the line of relatives and friends to look at who writes the pro/con pieces for clues, or I just give them a list. That’s sad.
I voted for Community College funding. I mean c’mon, what the fuck are we Arkansas? You have to understand the effects ofProp 13, to understand that the CC’s are California’s 13th and 14th grades.
If you vote in California, vote absentee. You need the time and you get a paper ballot. You also need how to read law. Attend the four-year Western College accredited school of your choice, or make friends with a lawyer or a political hack of your choice. We laugh at how they write this shit.
February 6, 2008 at 2:10 am
I also need how to read English. Fuck me.
February 6, 2008 at 2:13 am
Exhibit A.
February 6, 2008 at 2:14 am
Denis Leary made up for it with Rescue Me. I say this as a Bill Hicks worshipper (who else knows how to play the Arizona Bay guitar outros? No one? Thank you.). The pill addiction as a mainstream drama has to account for at least the Jim Fix jokes.
Ned Holmann, on the other hand, given that the Bill Hicks banner has been passed on to Doug Stanhope, can kill himself faster than anyone in advertising. My priorities right now are so screwed up that I’d rather give my PA primary to Hillary than give in to fucking joke thieves, debasing my favorite performance art. This is not the agonist.org talking, but a solemn agreement with The Editors: If Carlos Honduras shows up in your town (mine’s Philadelphia), rush the stage and do your worst, regardless of the cost. I swear I will Youtube the best of it.
February 6, 2008 at 6:58 am
..and after they came for the Viagara dealers, my Johnson refused to stand up for me.
February 6, 2008 at 7:31 am
I lived in Washinton State for a while, and I hated ballot initiatives. They usually looked like this:
Initiative 1: Refund all money in State Treasury to the taxpayers? yes or no
Initiative 2: Repeal all taxes except those on somebody else? yes or no
Initiative 3: No one can ever, ever even think about taxing me ever again, no take backs, infinity? yes or no
February 6, 2008 at 8:39 am
I’m gonna assume that last bit was about Margaret Cho. Because she is goddamn annoying.
February 6, 2008 at 8:53 am
Ask not what you can do for your country.
Ask for a big honkin’ TAX CUT!
February 6, 2008 at 9:25 am
“Also, new rule: if your mom had a wacky immigrant accent, you’re allowed one joke about it. That’s one ‘joke’, not one ‘career’.”
Pay attention, Dat Phan.
February 6, 2008 at 9:30 am
Kudos, Teh Editors! Excellent analysis of why the ’07 Patriots were the most overrated thing since Greek Humorism, but you left out the part about Tom Brady not being worth an ingrown hair on Joe Montana’s left nut.
Please endeavor to rectify this shortcoming in future posts about how goat-blowingly terrible the Patriots are.
February 6, 2008 at 9:56 am
We have a winner.
February 6, 2008 at 10:01 am
Re: Mencia
Oy vey, what a clown he is.
Here is the evidence, if you haven’t seen it already
February 6, 2008 at 10:04 am
Whoops! The gotdamn youtube about stealing jokes was in your post! I really picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.
/morty
February 6, 2008 at 10:36 am
“the Bill Hicks banner has been passed on to Doug Stanhope”
Really? I’d assumed Patton Oswalt had it, with David Cross close behind.
February 6, 2008 at 10:41 am
Patton Oswalt and David Cross are hilarious, but their CDs/DVDs aren’t as shocking. Seriously, listen to Stanhope’s Acid Bootleg right after Shut Up You Fucking Baby and Werewolves in (wherever I forget), and tell me Stanhope’s bit about hairdressing and freedom isn’t as good as Patton’s KFC or alternate universe bit, or David Cross’ John Ashcroft bit.
And for something completely different, go Emo Eagles!
February 6, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Something else I’ve never understood – the reverence for Bill Hicks (or Dennis Leary, for that matter). You made me google the ‘riff’, and it appears that the joke is that he tells people in marketing to kill themselves. That’s the set-up, punchline, and denouement. I don’t object to the sentiment, but it’s not in any sense a joke. A joke is ‘quickly, kill yourself – I’ll explain later’. I’m not saying it’s a brilliant joke or anything, but it does actually go the bother of existing. Hicks just sounds like every half-clever drunk I’ve ever met (or been) off on a rant to nowhere. Many people admire him – mostly people who like standup more than I do – but I’ve never got it.
February 6, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Sorry The Editors, but it’s that he made these type of typical jokes by you and Atrios and everyone else from 2004, back in the mid 80s-early 90s. Listen to Rant in E Minor and tell me it wasn’t made last year.
Also, just like Mencia, Leary stole about 15 mins or so from Hicks – just look at the smoking stuff from No Cure For Cancer.
Anyway, Hicks is, if I can borrow an Obama = JFK RFK Eugene Debs analogy, Lenny Bruce. The man spoke truth to power when the national press was discussing some kinda nonsensical political correctness. He, as a southern man, came out as a Mark Twain kinda figure who toured the backwoods.
February 6, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Major Woody Says:
I lived in Washinton State for a while, and I hated ballot initiatives.
That’s because there’s one guy up here–I can’t remember his name– who basically makes it his full time job to come up with ballot initiatives and raise money for them, by which I mean his salary.
February 6, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Another guy who, AFAIK, forgot to be funny.
February 6, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Era humor doesn’t stand up so well, and Hicks and Bruce are perfect examples of that. Without the cultural standards of oppression to relate to, they sound far more lame than they were.
Mencia, otoh, strikes me as Andrew Dice Clay only more acceptable, even though he’s lamer still. Basically, if humor makes a 16 year old laugh, the humorist should be shot in the ‘lectric chair with a noose.
February 6, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Hicks compared Jesus Christ coming back and finding crucifixes everywhere to JFK coming back and everyone wearing gold rifles around their neck, rifles stuck on top of buildings and on bumper stickers…only good bit I can recall.
February 6, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I’m an Obama supporter, but I’m glad you showed yr hand. Now I can plan for the Airwolf Swiftboating.
February 6, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Hey, I have a counterexample. Smashing watermelons with a maul never grows old. You can always mix in different fruits and vegetables to keep it suspenseful.
February 6, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Tim:
The Editors:
Huh?! What kind of philistine doesn’t find Eugene Debs funny??!!
February 6, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Hicks compared Jesus Christ coming back and finding crucifixes everywhere to JFK coming back and everyone wearing gold rifles around their neck, rifles stuck on top of buildings and on bumper stickers…only good bit I can recall.
Losing a chunk of his head on the back of a limo was all part of the JFK divine plan.
February 6, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Does Airwolf make copter jokes? No, because transcopterism is a serious issue. Blue Thunder made those jokes and look what happened to it. Nuff said.
February 6, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Bill Hicks was an interesting editorialist in his time, but imo not piss your pants funny like prime Prior, Chapelle, Murphy…etc.
The Comedians of comedy tour is demographic gentrification for you. Instead of insert dick joke here, it’s insert comic-con joke here. I like Mr. Show, though.
February 6, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Let’s be real, people love Bill Hicks because of his, “if you hate drugs, go burn all your records, because Miles Davis was really fucking high, and all these drugs through the artist are responsible for genius the wouldn’t otherwise be obtained.
BUT, That doesn’t explain why art exists at genius levels in all anthropological environments with or without LSD,THC,and Beer, or even without caffeine.
February 6, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Dude … what?
February 6, 2008 at 8:14 pm
You know what I’m talking about, Ken.
February 6, 2008 at 9:26 pm
I acknowledge and regret that I can’t see my laptop print that well and I’m getting used to a different keyboard. It’s my fault, and I’ll be shacking up with Mavis Beacon before I even think about blathering on this blog without mending my ..ehm “presentation”.
should read:
“all these drugs, through the artist, are responsible for genius on record that wouldn’t otherwise be obtained by natural means.”
February 6, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Fuck Mavis Beacon, too. She can’t type for shit.
February 6, 2008 at 9:28 pm
Oh, I will.
February 6, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Oh, I know you will.
February 6, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Dude, the Indian initiatives is more or less the legislature doing their job. They passed those agreements, then rival tribes forced them on the ballot because they didn’t agree with them. If you support the legislature doing what it does and less initiatives you should have voted for them. Me? I voted for every other one.
Also Arj Barker is underappreciated as a comedian.
February 6, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I just installed MS Slacker for OS, it’s all good.
February 6, 2008 at 10:36 pm
What Peter said @ 41, except Props 94-97 were not Initiatives but Referenda. That is, they were deals passed by Da Gubinator and the legislature in Sacto, which were then forced on the ballot, blah, blah, like Peter S said.
http://www.voterguide.sos.ca.gov/argu_rebut/argu_rebutt94.html
FWIW, I voted no on those also.
February 6, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I voted, “Nein, danke!”
February 6, 2008 at 11:17 pm
leprechaun: slurpee; Destro< Abacab/
How was that?
February 7, 2008 at 1:06 am
So I stubbed my toe the other day and it fucking hurt and I yelled out “GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MOTHERFUCKER. WHO THE FUCK LEFT THAT THERE? WTF! GODDAMN FUCKING BALLS SHITFUCK FUCKFACE MOTHERFUCKER!!!!” and then ceiling cat showed up out of nowhere and accused me of joke stealing.
February 7, 2008 at 4:02 am
You know what’s funny? That movie “Rocket Science”, it’s kind of new out on DVD and it won a prize at Sundance. If you order it from Netflix look for the secret prize I’ll leave in the envelope for the lucky winner.
Do it, do it.
February 7, 2008 at 5:29 am
That doesn’t explain why art exists at genius levels in all anthropological environments with or without LSD,THC,and Beer, or even without caffeine.
Not that many cultures around without some sort of mind-altering substance, actually. However remote and primitive, there’s pretty much always some sort of special mushroom or leaf or fermented fruit they use…
February 7, 2008 at 8:41 am
However remote and primitive, there’s pretty much always some sort of special mushroom or leaf or fermented fruit they use…
And be careful, kids, too much Cheetoh dust can cause permanent brain damage.
February 7, 2008 at 9:05 am
Fuck Mavis Beacon, too. She can’t type for shit.
True, but she was a hell of a stand up in her day. She had a “pica vs elite” bit that just killed.
It was gold, The Editors. Gold.
February 7, 2008 at 12:02 pm
speaking of alleged ‘comics’ whose careers should be dragged out into the street and terminated with extreme prejudice…
Dane Cook.
February 8, 2008 at 9:07 am
All I could think of when I read the headline to this post was “Margo! Boxcar! Saturn!“
February 11, 2008 at 12:28 am
Molehills outta…what’s the other protuberance?
February 11, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Am I understanding this? Obama never passed a bill or held a meeting. He invented some bizarre rhetoric to fool young people, about the red States joining the democratic party, financial interests letting him remake the campaign system, and bringing the country together while he brings republican smear tactics into the democratic party, with ridiculous promises there is no way he can keep. He tweaks and calls his own a large group of policies created by the Clintons when Bill was a leading intellectual in the DLC. He has no legislative record to speak of, but the media throw out a few weeks of adjectives boiling down to Obama Good, Clinton Bad, young people compare him to MLK, LBJ, JFK, and Lincoln himself, and are voting for him because he’s young and gives a good speech.
He might even win against Hillary Clinton, a woman who helped create and pass a national legislative agenda, which reversed the debt and deficit, generated government surpluses, hugely advanced minority rights, and created massive prosperity not by throwing money at the defense industry and running the government into the red as republicans do but by moving the levers of industry and letting the market do the work, all while fending off the worst media smear campaign in history.
February 12, 2008 at 4:16 am
Correct you are, Will! But you forgot to add a few things to your list of Hillary’s accomplishments:
Hillary brought about lasting peace in the Middle East.
Hillary stops tooth decay.
Hillary prevented an alien invasion from taking over the earth.
Hillary built the Panama Canal.
Hillary discovered the 12 uses of dragon’s blood.
I could go on! No, seriously, I could.