Gut harness or no, Captain Kirk could kick Picard’s sissy bald Shakespearean-actor ass from here to travelocity.com world headquarters.
Discuss. Extra points for “all your base” or Star Wars Kid references.
February 23, 2008
Because I think there might be one million-year-old internets fight we haven’t relived today
Posted by The Editors under Uncategorized[35] Comments
February 23, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I think you still have time before midnight to post “Dylan… Gaaah!!”
Wouldn’t want to leave that one out.
February 24, 2008 at 12:14 am
And not only that, but he wouldn’t even mess up his hair.
February 24, 2008 at 12:59 am
Captain Kirk is a PC.
Captain Picard is a Mac.
February 24, 2008 at 1:59 am
Ceiling Kirk is watching Picard masturbate?
February 24, 2008 at 1:59 am
NO NO NO!
Picard in 5
February 24, 2008 at 3:07 am
Kirk is Ernie, Picard is Bert.
Bert is Evil.
Case closed. And I know I get extra points, too.
February 24, 2008 at 4:12 am
Lorne Greene.
February 24, 2008 at 4:14 am
http://www.virginmedia.com/microsites/tvradio/slideshow/tv-revivals/img_4.jpg
February 24, 2008 at 4:16 am
Further,
http://home.planet.nl/~m-a-d/Photos/Lorne_Greene_4_s.jpg
End of fracking argument.
February 24, 2008 at 5:15 am
Kirk and Picard are both pussies.
Captain Pike is the REAL business.
February 24, 2008 at 5:21 am
Kirk would like Picard on a long black leash
Kirk parades Picard up the high street
Kirk’s got the attraction
Picard’s got pulling power
Engage my little doggy
Warp speed you little trek dwarfs
February 24, 2008 at 6:44 am
100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher — and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache — and it’s a beauty.”
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale
population.
83. Kirk says “Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?”
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
advantage.
77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off
–even around those pesky Yeomans.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to
climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman.
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down
its neck.
66. Kirk says “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said “Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!”
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named
after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be
dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?” No? How about a
“Beam me up Scotty” then? See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
53. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
shirts.
51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the
trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
translated as “GO F*CK YOURSELF.”
48. If something doesn’t speak English — it’s toast.
47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42 Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk — probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser — not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay
in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
enemies. (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.
32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
resources.
25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender — until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
20.Two Words: Crane Shots.
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon — Picard is just some guy who’s really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses — and nobody dares to
call him”four eyes.”
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon — easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on
shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
ensign.
8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it.
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even
impressed.
3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Balls.
February 24, 2008 at 6:46 am
Old news.
February 24, 2008 at 7:29 am
Sisko.
February 24, 2008 at 7:55 am
William Shatner’s Capt. Kirk was explicitly inspired by John F. Kennedy and the “New Frontier.” Kirk’s Enterprise explored “strange new worlds,” but it also saw fit to fix them when they were in trouble.
“Star Trek: The Next Generation” explicitly rejected the cowboy diplomacy of the original. Capt. Jean-Luc Picard was less like John Wayne and more like Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
Captained by a woman – to the cheers of people who cared – Voyager was hurled to the far end of the galaxy where the dysfunctional crew was left to its own devices. Whereas manly adventure and benign imperialism defined the original “Trek,” “Voyager” was about a lost, homesick crew and a maternal captain who kept asking “Can’t we all just get along?”
February 24, 2008 at 7:59 am
Okay first of all a Mongoose is going to be hunting snakes all the time, whereas a Cobra mostly dines on smaller, herbivorous animals, so that’s an advantage for the mongoose right there. Second of all, the Mongoose is way faster than the Cobra unless it gets ambushed, and obviously we’re not talking about an ambush because otherwise we could be talking about Mongoose vs. a Ford F-150 or whatever, okay? Third of all, DUH, a mongoose can chew it’s way out of a 55 gallon drum in like 10 minutes: the Cobra won’t have a chance.
February 24, 2008 at 8:19 am
Please. Ben Sisko. No doubt.
February 24, 2008 at 8:45 am
Kirk didn’t care if the pussy was green.
February 24, 2008 at 9:02 am
Sisko could take them both without breaking a sweat, although I imagine he’s hot when he sweats.
February 24, 2008 at 10:33 am
Picard’s sissy bald Shakespearean-actor ass
William Shatner was a Shakespearean actor you dope. But that’s why you wear the red uniform.
February 24, 2008 at 11:01 am
Does it matter? Bill Adama could not only beat both of them one-handed while giving a mournful speech about the moral descent of humanity, he could farm it out to Roslin and her magic airlock instead.
(And let’s not get into John Sheridan and his various pet deities. Star Trek captains are pansies.)
February 24, 2008 at 11:37 am
I just saw Stewart’s Macbeth and it knocked my damn socks off.
(And was amused to see in the program that about 20% of the Benefit Committee was the bridge crew of the Enterprise.)
February 24, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Malcolm Reynolds wouldn’t even need a phaser to kick Kirk & Picard’s ass.
February 24, 2008 at 7:12 pm
Picard never did and never would do a spoken poetry (it wasn’t even sprechgesang, fer Scotty’s sake!) version of Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.
Nor would he pretend that doing an album with Ben Folds could somehow redeem that.
The real question is, would Picard dare do a cameo on Boston Legal, get lucky with Candice Bergen, and smoke one of Denny Crane’s cigars post-coitally?
February 25, 2008 at 12:10 am
Captain Kirk likes to fuck, daily, weekly, monthly and yearly, til’ the muthafucka’s see clearly that he’s down with a capital CPT, and boy you betta not fuck with he.
Picard makes love once every six star dates. End of argument.
February 25, 2008 at 4:54 am
Pike all the way. Captain Kirk was just Pike-lite.
February 25, 2008 at 9:21 am
Sisko definitely. I mean, how many Captains can be prophets as well, huh, huh? None too damb many.
Although you have ta give Quark some props. He once beat a Vulcan at logic, and he once beat a Klingon at honor.
February 25, 2008 at 10:09 am
“Broadcast the following, on all frequencies, in all languages:
‘We surrender.’”
Damn skippy, Frenchie.
If they went up against each other, Kirk would have banged Troi by the second commercial break and hung Riker up by his underwear in the shower.
February 25, 2008 at 1:15 pm
While I have no real horse in this race, I say Kirk because his Rocketman beats the pants off Picard’s vaudeville alphabet, even if Jean Luc did get to do it on the bridge of the Enterprise D.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nE4t1vP3qXs
Mostly I just wanted to thank everyone for not even acknowledging Scott Bakula. I hate Scott Bakula.
February 25, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Pike.
February 26, 2008 at 1:41 am
Mrs. Columbo.
February 26, 2008 at 11:35 am
Barnaby Jones
February 26, 2008 at 2:28 pm
I’m with Cara on Reynolds.
Obama campagin to Clinton: All your base are belong to us.
February 26, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Janeway would fcuk both Kirk and Picard, and then kill them.
February 26, 2008 at 9:56 pm
I was going to say “Linux”, but I’ll have to agree with the assertion that the mongoose would win.