The Poor Man Institute

In case you missed it, Alex Higgins has graciously provided us with a partial transcript of the recent Democratic primary debate.  Stroll with us now down memory lane …

Moderator: Senator Obama, I’d like to ask you now about a difficult subject for you. Earlier on this week, you received an endorsement from the controversial figure Louis Farrakhan, who said, “I’d rather that half-devil was in the White House than that white bitch.”

Now, Mr Farrakhan is on record as making a number of anti-Semitic statements. Can you reassure American Jews that you reject those statements?

Senator Obama: Well, I have denounced his disgraceful remarks on many occasions, and I have a great deal of support…

Moderator: Ah-ha, you denounce Farrakhan, but do you reject his endorsement?

Obama: Well I can’t stop anyone hating me less than other candidates…

Moderator: But do you reject him, Senator?

Obama: Yes, I reject him.

Moderator: OK, so you reject him, but is that repudiation? Do you repudiate him?

Obama: Doesn’t that count as a repudiation?

Moderator: You repudiate, but do you eschew him? Perhaps I should remind the audience that in 1963, Louis Farrakhan said he wished “to stick forks in the eyes of rabbis” and that he once tried to distract people on Yom Kippur by coughing loudly for the whole day?

Obama: Yes, I am aware of what he said, as are we all, and I have on many occasions…

Moderator: So do you eschew him?

Moderator 2: If you saw Farrakhan, in front of you, right now, would you spit in his face? Would you spit right in his face, Senator?

Moderator: Would you spit on his grave even after he is dead?

Obama: I don’t see that that’s necessary.

Moderator: So how can you assure American Jews that you don’t personally plan to have Israel demolished, sold and converted into a giant mosque dedicated to the perpetrators of 9/11?

Obama: As I was saying before, I have a lot of support from the Jewish community for my campaign, and rebuilding the Jewish-African American alliance that fought for civil rights is part of my project. Now, I regard Israel’s security as central to our Middle Eastern policy and…

Moderator: We have to return to this issue, I’m afraid, Senator. Isn’t it true your pastor’s daughter’s cousin’s boyfriend’s friend published an article in a student magazine praising Louis Farrakhan for his excellent bow-tie? And in fact, awarding the Nation of Islam his magazine’s annual prize for Achievements in Bow-Ties? Do you denounce and reject that award?

Obama: I have always condemned anti-Semitism in quite clear language and I have said that sometimes I disagree with my pastor’s daughter’s cousin’s boyfriend’s friend’s magazine on a number of issues.

Moderator 2: Have you repudiated the comments of Pastor Scaryblackdude Nutjob, who greeted Farrakhan in Georgia last week and praised him with words I imagine went like, “Yo, my main man, Farrakhan, I dig that Jew-hating jive, brother!”

Obama: Are you sure that quote’s even accurate?

Moderator 2: You know what I mean. I can’t do the lingo.

Obama: Well I have no actual connection to this particular individual but obviously I condemn, repudiate, reject, denounce and eschew…

Moderator: You know, this may sound kind of funny, but… The other week this er… African-American guy was trying to break into my car…

Moderator 2: Do you reject and repudiate this attempt by one of your own to steal my colleague’s car?

Moderator: More to the point, can you assure me and other moderate Americans that it was not in fact you, who was trying to break into my car? I mean, you look pretty similar… I couldn’t say for sure you were the guy…

Obama: I was in Wisconsin that week. It was on TV.

Moderator: Good point. Can I ask you about the powder issue? I mean you used to… you know, right?

Obama: Well, as I explained in my memoir, I grew up as a troubled teenager, unsure of my identity, without a father, like many of my generation, and occasionally…

Moderator: No, what I mean is… can you get me some?

Obama: I beg your pardon?

Moderator 2: I mean we got some friends over this weekend, a little new to the neighbourhood, and we were looking to party, and we thought you might be able to get us a little something to put us in the mood?

Obama: I can’t believe you’re asking me this.

Moderator: Senator, let me rephrase that – have you got some blow? You know we’re good for it.

Moderator 2: I mean, we figured you’d be able to help, seeing that… If you don’t have any on you right now, maybe you know the right guy to go to around here?

Police Officer: Hey, hey, hold it right there!

(Moderators hide)

Police Officer: Hey you, can you come to the side a moment, sir?

Obama: What? Are you crazy? This is live on television – it’s the candidates’ debate! I wasn’t about to… I’m not a… Is this a sting?

Police Officer: Sir, can you come with me to the side, sir?

Police Officer 2: You heard him! Just what in the hell do you think you’re doing?

Obama: I’m participating in the CNN Democratic presidential candidates’ debate!

Police Officer 2: Yeah, and what would you be doing in that?

Obama: I’m running for President! I’m the junior Senator for Illinois!

Police Officer 2: Smart guy, huh? Book ‘im, Danny. Maybe we’ll take this boy down the station and straighten him out.

Police Officer: Didn’t we pull this guy over earlier today?

(Senator Obama arrested, taken off set. Senator Clinton waits for her question)

Moderator: That was close! Did you catch what Obama told that officer?

Moderator 2: I think he said, “What the fuck you at, fool?” Or at least that’s what I’m telling the Washington Post. I don’t always know what they’re saying, you know? Good questions, by the way – still the best in the business!

Moderator: Thanks!