The Poor Man Institute

All the search and replace that’s fit to print:

It’s a tie! While Hillary Clinton has to be happy with her performance today, doing better than anybody was predicting as recently three days ago, Obama has to be happy with his performance, performing as he did dramatically better than anybody was predicting as recently as a week and a half ago. I have to imagine that – given the results we’ve seen tonight – there’s just no way Hillary Clinton is going to drop out of the race. Barack Obama, by maintaining approximately the same lead in pledged delegates he had before today’s contests, has to be feeling good about the prospect of going into the convention with a significant lead in pledged delegates, a prospect that will likely sway superdelegates to his side. Hillary at this point has to know that the superdelegates are the key to the nomination, and will redouble her efforts to bring them into her camp – a prospect that will surely be easier after tonight. It also seems perfectly clear that Democratic insiders – worried about a protracted primary fight, and the damage it will do to the party – will be strongly tempted to support Obama. That said, I think this can’t but help Hillary in the court of public opinion. Of course, Obama has maintained tremendous ability to raise and spend money, which may prove decisive.

One thing’s for sure: winning big in Pennslyvania Guam will be absolutely critical for both candidates.

Rinse, repeat. Can we just have the convention now and get this nonsense over with? I can clear out some space in my den for us to use.

I can dust this thing off as many times as I need to. Don’t test me!

… aaaand I’m right again.

It’s like I’m a fucking genius up in here.

Further uses for wingnuts:

One reason I enjoy covering Rod Dreher is that he rekindles my love for America. We are surrounded by conservatives who insist that they love America, and describe it as a horrible place where the unfortunate deserve only the back of the hand of power, which must be maintained by endless wars. After a bellyful of their patriotism I sometimes begin to doubt my own. Maybe they’re right, I begin to think: maybe the ugly America they celebrate is the real America, and I have only deluded myself that it was something better.

But when brother Rod denounces the West, as he is increasingly prone to do, my defensive reaction troubles me less. Because while I would agree with him, and his sources, that there are many things wrong with this country, his judgment of general rottenness on our way of life so offends me that I turn into a regular Yankee Doodle Dandy. When he says “[Patrick] Deneen raises the possibility that events — economic, especially — will do more to enhance traditionalist conservatism’s prospects with the public than anything else,” and I realize he is praying for catastrophe to befall us so that we will all come running to Jesus and the Old Ways for protection, I feel the sort of things that liberals of old must have felt when student radicals threatened to burn the motherfucker down: this is still my country, and if we are ridiculous about a number of things, I will certainly side with it against the likes of you. [...]

Heaven knows I get mad about what’s going on in this country, and often treat its leaders, opinion or otherwise, and even its citizens with raw contempt. So I’m thankful that Dreher and The Anchoress are around to set me straight. The American people are often ridiculous and sometimes do horrible things, and I have turned my wrath on a broad array of our native fixers, crackers, dupes, dopes, and scumbags. But they are still my people. I too want more than I could possibly deserve, chafe at well-meant and even reasonable restrictions, and prefer a good time to a Great Awakening. And in the last ditch I’ll take my stand with our credit-, pleasure-, and freedom-addicted folk against our would-be saviors.

I don’t torment myself with wingnuts as often as I once did. There are any number of reasons for this, all of which are different ways of saying “because it is hateful and I hate it.” And one of these ways was me wondering “well, why don’t you move to Russia, then, since you seem to like it so much?” I didn’t mean it like that, obviously – I meant the Russia of Putin, unashamed of its corrupt plutocracy and torturing police state and leader cult, where one can have one’s despotism taken pure, and without the base alloy hypocrisy. Which come to think of it, is the Russia of a century and a half ago, and the Russia of a half-century ago, too, though sadder and with different lyrics. So maybe I did sort of mean it like that, but I only meant that you’d be happier there, and I’d be happier with you there, and we could all be happy in the knowledge that everyone was happier, and that’s utilitarian Yahtzee.

Or maybe I didn’t mean Russia so much as Mexico. Or maybe not Mexico. Maybe some South American place like, I don’t know, Paraguay? or, you know, one of those places on which the composite South American dictatorships you see in movies are based. I might mean Argentina, or El Salvador, maybe – I confess it all blends together. In any case, you’d get all the advantages of Russia, better food and weather, and El Presidente might not look quite so much like Angus Scrimm. And you could get American TV! So why don’t you move to a composite picture of a banana republic, then?

And then, having exhausted my knowledge of both the real-but-distant and not-really-real-but-based-on-a-shocking-true-story worlds, I start to look around, and notice that most places where there’s an important button around here, there’s one of your fingers. Well, not your fingers obviously, which are otherwise engaged, but the sorts of fingers which you would just as soon see there. And as that’s the case, I start thinking “well, why don’t I move to Russia, then? Since what’s the functional difference at this point, anyway?” And the best answer I can come up with is that “it’s cold, and they talk Ruskie.” Would my DVDs even work there? Plus, moving’s kind of a pain generally. And I’m not having so much fun now that the valenki is on the other foot.

… And also this field guide to the fauna and/or flora of wingnuttia.

ACLU:

From illegal kidnapping and torture by the CIA, to the abuses at Abu Ghraib, to the “enhanced interrogation” of terror suspects at Guantánamo, our nation’s torture policies have come from the top.

I urge you to:

1. Support strenuous efforts, including the appointment of an independent prosecutor, to hold President Bush, Vice-President Cheney and other high-ranking officials accountable for their role in condoning and/or authorizing U.S. involvement in torture.

2. Condemn Administration efforts to conduct military commission proceedings that allow for the use of evidence gained through torture.

3. Send a powerful message to future presidents that Congress will use its constitutional powers to prevent illegal conduct.

Obama:

Now, if I found out that there were high officials who knowingly, consciously broke existing laws, engaged in coverups of those crimes with knowledge forefront [sic?], then I think a basic principle of our Constitution is nobody above the law [...]

And John Yoo is discovering yet another form of unwelcome attention. The rest of your lives leaves us a good, long time, kids.

In what may go down in the annals of trolling as an achievement on par with Cantor’s work on cardinality, over at Yglesias’s blog a commenter who goes by “line” manages a concern troll about trolling on a post about a post about trolling on a post about a Congressman doing some — and this is the only description that fits, really — trolling of his own.

Line, I salute you, you crazy bastard.

The serve:

I’ve never commented on here before, but I must say some of the people who do are quite ridiculous. I guess this sort of thing flows like an underground river in the democratic party.

Posted by line | April 15, 2008 9:25 AM

The return:

I understand that right-wing blogs aren’t the echo chambers that they once were, but left-wing blogs have traditionally been come-all-ye affairs. Al, Chris Ford, Fred, Sailer and their elk AREN’T Democrats.

Posted by Jeffrey Davis | April 15, 2008 9:33 AM

Game, set and match:

Oh, it doesn’t really matter if they’re democrats or not. It’s nice to know that those responsible for those comments aren’t of my party affiliation, but still, I’ve met many a democrat who’d say very similar things.

Posted by line | April 15, 2008 9:41 AM

Excellence at work, people.

Perhaps someone more fluent in faux-folksie Southern Congresscritterspeak can parse this out for me:

Rep. Geoff Davis (R-KY) on Obama: “I’m going to tell you something: That boy’s finger does not need to be on the button. He could not make a decision in that simulation ["situation"? -Eds] that related to a nuclear threat to this country.”

Because sittin’ in my elitist, like, office chair, sippin’ a mildly bitter $3 cafe au lait in the fancy San Francisco Gay Bay Area, I can tell you it sounds a certain way. David Broder, help me to understand!

Over at that other Liberal Fascism blog, Jonah’s readership uncovers a disturbing new development in the misuse of the term “fascism”:

This past week, Turner Classic Movies showed BRUTE FORCE (1947), a classic prison drama that launched the careers of Burt Lancaster, Howard Duff, and character actor Whit Bissell.

The main conflict in the movie is between prison guard Hume Cronyn and…well, just about everyone else. He’s mean, sadistic, and manipulative, turning prisoners against each other and driving some to suicide.

In the blurb that ran on the screen to describe the film, the plot was described as being about prisoners battling their “fascist prison guard.”

Another example of how “fascist” has just become a generic synonym for “someone I don’t like.”

Or for a transparent fascist archetype who tortures prisoners while listening to fucking Wagner. In 1947.  Seriously, doesn’t the word mean anything anymore?

Also: begging for attention from Rush Limbaugh (hint: try printing your next book on Oxycontin scrips), and the fascist band Queen. And lots of pointless movie trivia. I give it another six weeks.

With other celebrations, we’re luckier:

It seems like only a few months ago we were celebrating David Horowitz’s Islamofascism Awareness Week with heavily subsidized and poorly attended events on campuses around the country. But the October’s IAW was such a good fundraising tool he’s decided to make this week Islamofascism Awareness Week too.

And I’d just finished putting away all my strands of crescent-shaped lights and taking in the giant, animatronic heads of Osama bin Laden and John Q’erry from the front yard. Oh dear! Does this mean the neighborhood children will be coming around again, dressed up like their favorite right-wing pundits? Adorable gangs of little Ann Coulters and Sean Hannitys, serenading the neighbors with cries of “duct-tape or dhimmitude!” And every evening the whole family will gather together, and the youngest will ask “why is this week different from all other weeks, except that one week like three weeks ago when we did the same fucking thing?” And we will laugh and laugh and eat McDonald’s crossandwiches and W ketchup and freedom fries and then, when we are full and quiet, we will all hold hands and recite the mystic liturgy of the War on Terror:

Iraq is the tactical pivot; Saudi Arabia the strategic pivot; Egypt the prize!

Any wiseacre who says it wrong will be made to sit in “the Gitmo corner” and eat lemon chicken until they repent. And then we will all go to bed, and when we wake the enormous mock-up of Flight 93 in the family room will be miraculously filled with remaindered copies of our favorite Regerny books! And then, miraculously, they will still be there the next night, and the next, and so on, until we have to pack them up again for next year, or month, or whenever Crazy Davey decides it’s time again.

It’s the most wonderful time of the several times a year!

I did not know this:

Raised Episcopalian, McCain now attends a Baptist megachurch in Phoenix. But he has not been baptized and rarely talks of his faith in anything but the broadest terms or as it relates to how it enabled him to survive 5½ years in captivity as a POW.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Like how it was Mao’s Little Red Book and the films of Jane Fonda that helped John stay strong through 5½ years of special treatment in Vietnam. Or how he can’t be baptized anymore, because after partaking in Ho Chi Mihn’s secret Black Mass of Homo-Socialism 40 years ago, holy water causes John’s flesh to burst into flames. Or that it was a condition of one of his countless divorces. Or it goes against the Koran. There are any number of possible explanations for this behavior, and it would be the height of irresponsibility to go around wildly speculating about this.

… UPDATE: after consulting with esteemed political commentator Peggy Noonan, it turns out that it would be irresponsible not to. Please continue.

Shiites are the same as Sunnis.  There’s nothing to be gained from trying to distinguish between the two.  All you need to know is that both are Moslems, terrorists and brown.  And scary.  To the extent that last part isn’t redundant. Which it is.

While one of Osama bin Laden’s stated goals was to lure us into a quagmire in Afghanistan that would drain our resources, tarnish our image and leave us severely weakened, Osama was very upset when we ended up in near identical situation in Iraq.  Why? you ask, displaying your ignorance for all to see.  Because it’s a different freakin’ country moonbats.  Hence, The Decider foiled all of Osama’s pretty plans (sorry buddy, no ringside seat to the show).  That’s why leaving Iraq would be a mistake, but more on that below.

Due to our steely resolve in Iraq, terrorists have been plagued by a massive existential crisis.  Distracted by Britney Spears, left to mope about impotently, grousing about the futility of blowin stuff up as long as US troops are still in Iraq.  My friends, they are a deflated bunch.  In addition to the general malaise brought on by having an infidel army occupying sacred Moslem lands, as long as we keep our troops in Iraq we deny the jihadists accessible targets.  We leave, and all that changes:  Osama breathes a sigh of relief, declares victory (with subsequent no-backs provisos) and ushers in the era of Maximum Terrorist Emboldening.  Something to ponder Defeatocrats.  

Moving along.  If we don’t stay in Iraq and ensure the longevity of an Iraqi government run by Shiite parties that were formed in Iran (including one that actually fought on Iran’s side in the Iran/Iraq war), then Iran’s influence will grow.  The only way to keep Iran’s influence at bay is to keep Iran’s proxies in power by sacrificing the lives of US soldiers.  That, my friends, is kung fu that you are incapable of grasping with your stubby little fingers.

Last but not least, most mere mortals are operating under the illusion that “Johm” is actually spelled “John.”  In fact, don’t even try to pronounce it.  You’ll only hurt yourself.  Fools.

It looks like Kaye Grogan has given up.  Time to find a replacement.  Our first candidate: imminent country music star Charlie Daniels.

[T]here is no way I am going to buy into global warming as anything but a blatant attempt to control industry, take freedom away from the people and put political power into the hands of a bunch of elitist wimps who would like nothing better than to tell America what to do, how to think and how many trips they can make to the bathroom every day.

People, this is nothing but a bald faced power grab using flawed science and scare tactics aided by a lap dog media and opportunist politicians and globalists who see a way to squeeze America a little more.

If Al Gore and his disciples are so convinced they are right, why won’t they let the other side be heard? Why do they suppress scientific information that proves them to be wrong about global warming? If their theory, and people it’s nothing more than that, a theory, and if it is right why can’t it stand the light of debate? Why not have a nationally televised debate letting both sides have their say?  [How about a American Idol-style sing-off where scientists are judged on the basis of stage presence, agreement of theory with experiment, and 'x' - the inexplicable SASS FACTOR?  Neil Patrick Harris could host.  Wednesday nights will Warm America's Globes ... only on NBC! - Eds.]

I’ll tell you why not. It’s because they can’t stand the white hot light of the real truth. There are just as many imminent scientists who are anti global warming as pro global warming. The problem is that the ones who don’t support global warming cannot find a forum to be heard in and the rest are afraid of losing their grant money.

If global warming is so imminent why isn’t Al Gore spending his time in China where they are opening a new coal fired power plant every few days and the pollution problem is much worse and less attended to than anywhere in the western world. China lives in a perpetual cloud of gray pollution and the problem is only going to get worse as they have to create twenty five million new jobs a year.

There follows an imminently sensible Laurel and Hardy routine about how carbon credits cause global warming.  Read at your own peril.  We will now judge Mr. Daniels in three categories, on a scale of 1 to Kaye Grogan.

Inability to understand one’s own point: 4 out of a possible Kaye Grogan.  There are a few “the food is terrible … and the portions are too small!” tangents, but, by and large, Mr. Daniels hews to his central thesis: that global warming is a myth perpetuated by an all-powerful Al Gore in order to destroy America and make money.  I’ll buy it.

Psychedelic psyntax: 3 out of a possible Kaye Grogan.  Apart from believing that imminent is a synonym for gall-dang hoot-a-ninny!, Mr. Charlie unquestioningly accepts the staid, mainstream rules of The Man’s English designed by Al Gore to keep us down.  L-7, Daddy-O.

Leopard print, aka SASS FACTOR X:  0 out of a possible Kaye Grogan.  Much as I’d like to imagine that Daniels typed this while wearing a leopard-print burlap sack, I’m afraid it just isn’t very likely.

Final Score:  7 out of a possible Kaye! Kaye! Kaye!  Our expert panelists dismiss Mr. Daniels with some tart comments, and he waddles away in tears.   Stay tuned for our next contestant on … AMERICAN WINGNUT!