The job of Vice President of the United States is an important one, with powers enshrined in the Constitution rivalling those of Miss Teen Delaware.  In addition to speaking to middle schools, tampering with intelligence to start wars and shooting people in the face, a Vice President must be ready to take over as President at any time, and thus shoulder a mantle of responsibility weightier than all the Miss Teen Delaware tiaras in in all of human history combined!  Ideally, this won’t happen until after the President’s second term, which gives the VP 8 years where all he needs to do is look pretty and not get in the way, while collecting an annual salary of $200,000.  Ladies and gentlemen, I wouldn’t say no.

So the ideal VP should be under 55, politically talented, preferrably from one of those yahoo states where the yokels will only vote for folks who can pretend to be locals, and not completely inept and/or evil.  The age restriction throws out everybody on this list except John Edwards, who is actually 55, although he looks 7 1/2.  Others:

Mark Warner, former Virginia gov, 54 – is running for the Senate in 2008, and might actually win.  Doesn’t need VP.

Tim Kaine, current Virginia gov, 50 – has good anti-sprawl policies, anti-death penalty, anti-abortion, pro-Obama, looks like Ned Beatty.

Janet Napolitano, current Arizona gov, 51 – well-regarded, don’t know anything about her politics, looks like Ned Beatty dressed as Kathy Bates.

Bill Ritter, current Colorado gov, 52 – Catholic, generally liberal, anti-abortion, reminds people of beloved sitcom star John Ritter.

Jennifer Granholm, current Michigan gov, 49 – suspected Canadian, unpopular in home state, defeated someone named “Posthumous”, looks like Annette Benning.

Deval Patrick, current Massachusetts gov, 52 – hasn’t pre-emptively denounced every crazy black person of the past 1,000 years, from Saudi Taxachusettstan, looks like Black Ned Beatty.

Brian Schweitzer, current Montan gov, 53 – very popular, speaks Ay-rab, don’t know shit about his politics, looks like Ned Beatty but for variety’s sake I’ll pretend he looks like Kathy Bates dressed like Louis Anderson.

Airwolf, helicopter, 35 – has missiles, well-regarded, is awesome, doesn’t look like anybody but knows Ernest Borgnine who is basically Old Ned Beatty.

Ned Beatty, Hollywood actor, 71 – too old, but looks the part.