The Ambien Cookbook is the smash hit collection of recipes for fans of the totally safe, side-effect free sleep aid Ambien! With its combination of delicious taste sensations and easy-to-comprehend, bold-face type, it’s proven to be the perfect companion for those late night raids on the kitchen you’ll never remember in the morning. On the occasion of its release in paperback, the authors contacted noted Ambien enthusiast — and former POW — Senator John McCain to write an introduction to the guide he’s called “Arrghh ur uh… where… kill you” and “Eh? What the… where am I? Get your goddamn hands off of me you ChiCom stooge.”
We here at the Poor Man Institute were lucky enough to catch up with the Senator at one of his seven to fourteen properties to discuss why he thought his participation in this book was so important, and what Ambien means to him. This was no easy feat, with his busy schedule, but the Senator was gracious enough to take our call at 4AM Monday morning.
TPMI: good morning, Senator McCain? Are you there?
John McCain: Hurrrrr.
TMPI: Senator McCain? This is the Poor Man Institute… you had agreed to talk to us about the Ambien cookbook?
John McCain: Ambiiieen… good lay… da nang pussy house. Went there… once or twice.. FIRE! FIRE! RUNWAY THREE PLANE ON FIRE!
TMPI: I see. So, in your introduction, you talk fondly of the warm memories making these recipes inspire in you. Could you talk a little about that?
John McCain: Memo.. mem… send him a memo. Keating! Keating has the money. Duck and roll, coach. This is the big one. Hit the button before they know we’re yellow. Drop thh.h….. zz [clattering noises, barking]
TPMI: Senator McCain, are you okay?
John McCain: What? Carol? You fucking cunt bitch I’ll cut you. Don’t listen to the reds. No, no, can’t see… those are… STINGERS! INCOMING! Bllluuhhh. Want a… can’t get those. Can’t get those here. Whiskey sour, sure.. WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?
TMPI: Uh, this is the Poor Man Institute, Senator. We’re talking about the Ambien Cookbook?
John McCain: It’s that goddamn Kruschev, gents. Got his pecker in Mao’s backside. Those gooks are just puppets. Get that little jew Joey on the phone. That’s one hell of a pilot. And get me some missiles… I… INCOMING! [ more clattering; sound of a window breaking; gunshots. line goes dead ]
TPMI: S.. Senator?
END OF INTERVIEW
We again wish to thank Senator McCain for talking to us, and wish him the best in his current Presidential bid.
August 27, 2008 at 2:17 pm
That was awesome.
August 27, 2008 at 2:21 pm
John McCain: Hurrrrr.
Comedy gold!
August 27, 2008 at 2:44 pm
hehzle
August 27, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I printed a whole stack of these to pass out at the VA, but they beat me until piss and shit came out of the bottom of my shoes. I am now currently typing this from deep within the rather narrow garbage slot that I was cast face first into. Yeah!
August 27, 2008 at 3:30 pm
You’re supposed to call at 3 AM!
He’d be ready for the call then, all real Presidents are ready at 3 AM because that’s when trouble happens. 4 AM is so unfair and so outside the window of Presidential calls that runs from 3:00 AM to 3:05 AM. Obviously Senator McCain won’t be at his best at 4 AM, who would be? Next time, call at 3 AM, OK?
August 27, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Obviously we tried for 3AM first, but he was busy talking to Shakashvili about.. let me check my notes, here… “goddamn pussy magnet diaper ffffffffhrt”.
Well, that’s what he told us, anyhow.
August 27, 2008 at 3:57 pm
Who holds the key to your backdoor?
August 27, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I am so linking this…LMAO!!
August 27, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Remember Orson Scott Card?
Don’t read this:
http://www.ornery.org/essays/warwatch/2008-08-10-1.html
Cheers!
August 27, 2008 at 4:52 pm
If McCain is elected, I fear for the safety of the Filipino who works in the White House kitchen.
August 27, 2008 at 5:20 pm
You know, I often start reading a post here, and find myself saying, “What is this? Have The Editors suddenly taken an un-funny pill? Have they skipped their daily breakfast of insightful snark, and instead feasted upon a diet of regurgitated blog talking points, sitcom-level yuks, and episodes of Mind of Mencia?” And then I look up at the top and find that I’ve been reading a post by Sifu Tweety, and it all becomes clear.
August 27, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Since my name’s at the top of the post, maybe you should learn to read.
August 27, 2008 at 5:33 pm
This is all relative to M. Gordon’s award winning, hilarious blog that doesn’t exist. STF could never be as ironically impotent as Monsieur. You don’t even fucking try.
August 27, 2008 at 8:54 pm
I am still crying at the New Yorker piece. Did that guy write this for McAmien
August 27, 2008 at 9:03 pm
You caught McCain in one of his more lucid moments. Brilliant stuff.
August 27, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Oh, snap. You got me. I can’t read. That was a real zinger.
August 27, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Dude, how boring are you? A Carlos Mencia joke? An “oh snap” response? Really? Are you leaning towards “I know you are, but what am I”, or are you waiting for me to drop that one?
Funny is as funny does, Forrest.
August 27, 2008 at 10:05 pm
“Justice is a knee in the gut from the floor on the chin at night sneaky with a knife brought up down on the magazine of a battleship sandbagged underhanded in the dark without a word of warning. Garroting. That’s what justice is.”
-John McCain
August 27, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Since I don’t try to post ostensibly humorous material on an otherwise very funny blog, the question of how boring I am is sort of irrelevant. “Learn to read” isn’t exactly a stunning comeback either, but I guess that just makes my point for me.
But, for what it’s worth, I think I’m probably giving you too hard a time. The Editors are genius, and I mean that literally. Complete genius. You, alas, are not. Most of us are not. That’s life. And, coming here hoping for The Editors, and finding you, is simply disappointing. But, tastes vary. Don’t get your panties all in a wad because some random internet dude thinks you’re not that funny.
August 27, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Aw, don’t back down so quick. I’m sure you could give as good as you got for a minute; I’m not very funny! Alternately, you’re just being an asshole, in which case, have the courage of your convictions, boss.
August 27, 2008 at 11:12 pm
M. Gordon, If you replace, “ostensibly” with “electric banana pants”, you would be just as genius.
I’m disappointed, I came to the cafe to read a better nerd-fight, and what I found was a recreation of the fight scene in “Beat It.” How the hell are we supposed to beat McCain-Gustav?
Blogs, are to the Special Olympics as The Economist times The Daily Show divided by The O’Reilly Factor is to the un-Special Olympics. Everyone gets a hug at the finish line. As they should, this is the lifeblood of democracy. People get funnier with work and to be so kind to go out on the limb and open-source what is higher-quality material is hugable.
To effectively communicate in the electronic handbill era you need humor*, and STF is cool. Norbizz and teh editors are the only other blogs I read, because, amen, they have chops for days. Chops so sick they don’t even know how money they are, baby.
teh editors also have created a culture around here where multiple funny people can play off each other, and to stifle that without being funny yourself, is passive aggressive.
August 27, 2008 at 11:14 pm
*sob* This was supposed to be Democratic Unity week.
August 28, 2008 at 12:47 am
I thought it was a welcome return to form, myself. I’ve been rereading Liberal Fascism lately, and this is getting there.
August 28, 2008 at 2:06 am
You are clearly a person of extraordinary good taste. But Ambiens for ‘O’s is highly enriched Funnium-420, and you need to consider all the implications of that very carefully.
Sifu Tweety levels up.
August 28, 2008 at 2:08 am
You are basically Jesus Christ, by the way. And I mean that as a compliment.
August 28, 2008 at 2:54 am
– H.P. Lovecraft
August 28, 2008 at 5:30 am
ALL HAIL SIFU TWEETY FISH. He is the Mighty and the Chosen. HIS POWER CANNOT BE CONTAINED.
August 28, 2008 at 7:40 am
Hey, as sidekicks go Sifu’s not so bad. I mean, look at High Clearing: unlike Henley’s co-bloggers, STF doesn’t usually put up 3,500-word treatises on faculty meetings.
August 28, 2008 at 8:09 am
Love it. STF always brings the funny.
August 28, 2008 at 8:13 am
Not only was this post hehzle-worthy, it was prescient:
http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1836909,00.html
August 28, 2008 at 8:47 am
Wow. Good thing he can’t lift his arms up, or he might have punched ‘em.
August 28, 2008 at 9:33 am
Hey, we’ve got your back, STF. Without you, The Poor Man Institute would be like The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen without Captain Nemo. You are the indispensible Gabby Hayes to the Editors Roy Rogers.
August 28, 2008 at 9:45 am
Hey, I like Sifu as much as the next blogofascist, but let’s not be unfair to Mr. Gordon. This:
made me laugh out loud. Read it with an effete Pan-European accent while twirling your moustache. Comedy gold.
And great post, but did you all catch the actual interview McCain did with Time, where he only answers in preapproved talking points, regardless of the question being asked?
August 28, 2008 at 11:08 am
You are the indispensible Gabby Hayes to the Editors Roy Rogers.
He’s only gabby over at Unfogged. I’m thinking more likeAndy Devine here.
August 28, 2008 at 11:21 am
Given how much I post, I’m thinking Trigger.
August 28, 2008 at 11:52 am
Me?
I’m just the intern who blows everyone…
August 28, 2008 at 11:53 am
Manuscript found in a bottle:
* Rove clearly engaged in McCain VP pick
*Wants the infinitely pliable, idiotically healthy Romney in the slot
*Even though McCain hates Romney
*So that upon taking office
*(Their “By Any Means Necessary” election team and media saps having successfully done their job
* In this Fold)
*Rove advises McCain, keeping even more behind the scenes
*And advises Romney as well, keeping even more behind the scenes
*Remaining in that position until inevitable disagreements
*Between Rove/McCain, McCain/Romney, McCain/McCain occur
*At which point Rove primes Romney for a recast role
*Where he will employ as advised
*By Rove
*And as needed full use of all precedents set by Cheney
*Working always from the cornerstone principle
*That the job is both and/or neither
*Executive and legislative
*Which principle is easily denied when necessary
*And which office as well is capable of overruling the judical branch as necessary
*With full assistance of parties within the judicial branch as necessary
*To run any counter-government
*Or sub-government
*From the VP office if as and when necessary
*And thus being in position
*To step back into the full-tilt catbird seat
*And continue according to plan the full-ahead implementation
*Of all contemporary Republican goals
*At the moment when McCain drops dead
*Or a first strike is ordered
*Whichever comes first.
August 28, 2008 at 12:18 pm
wow, dismal. that’s scary.
what the fuck is ambien anyway.
I like the snarling McCain pic.
somebody should make a fake campaign poster with that pic and “You Can’t Do It My Friends”
My Friends.
August 28, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Read the Times interview with McCain, it’s not far off from this one.
August 28, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Only when you’re in an Ambien fugue.
August 28, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Only when you’re in an Ambien fugue.
You mean Roofie fugue.
August 28, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I might mean that. I’m currently in a purple drank coma.
August 28, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I’m in a black tar heroin reverie.
August 28, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Where “black tar heroin” is a new color in the Dutch Boy paint palette. Or else that nutmeg/Robotussin cocktail is kicking in.
August 28, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Don’t ask me; I’m solarflipping on Ketamine and heatstroke.
August 28, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I was leaning toward Opium Ochre myself. Bob Ross’ favorite IIRC.
August 28, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Awww. Group hug!
August 28, 2008 at 2:09 pm
^^^ Currently rolling on kratom and whippits ^^^
August 28, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Oh man I’m blazin’ on Jenkem and Scotch-Gard.
August 28, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Ah, the random internet dude: the harshest of critics!
August 28, 2008 at 8:46 pm
[...] The New Ambien Cookbook Filed under: Uncategorized — cleek @ 11:45 pm [...]
October 26, 2008 at 7:44 pm
[...] caused by 50 years of right-wing ascendancy aren’t going to drop everything to listen to fuguing conservatives spin disjointed yarns about how much better everything was back in their day. [...]