Now, look. I like having sex with rats as much as the next Democrat, but some of the things I’ve been reading about Sarah Palin, the eminently qualified Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, is both sickening and counter-productive. If we’re going to have any chance of winning this election, we must do it the way we’ve always done it, by engaging in restrained, respectful debate on issues of mutual importance, without in any way denigrating our opponent’s wisdom and wide-ranging expertise.

First of all, it is vastly inappropriate to imply that Sarah Palin doesn’t understand foreign policy. Her policy on US-Alaska relations calls for a cautious approach, while recognizing that the US remains a major trading partner for the nation of Alaska’s valuably despoilable natural resources.

Her Russia policy calls for a new spirit of cooperation, as the once-unified territories work together again to set mutually beneficial prices for oil and natural gas.

Her Canada policy calls for cutting them the fuck out of any pipeline money.

What more could you possibly need to know?

All of this carping about her family situation is even more despicable.

It would be utterly irresponsible to speculate that Sarah Palin is lying about how far along in her pregnany Bristol is, in order to cover up the truth behind the rumors of her four month old’s true parentage, on the assumption that the truth wouldn’t come out until after the election anyhow. Irresponsible and morally wrong.

It would further be absolutely inappropriate to speculate that news of the “wedding” was as startling to the seventeen-year-old “fuckin’ redneck” boyfriend as it was to the rest of the country, and the Palin family strategy is to keep him shut up about it until after the election.

I mean, this is so counter-productive. All we’re doing is showing the American people — who are to a one a nation of “fuckin’ redneck” hockey playing snowmobile racers given to leaping headlong into unprotected sex at the earliest age possible so that they might spend their government checks shooting wolves from airplanes and building wonderful bridges hither and yon with their enormous families in tow — that we’re out of touch with their concerns.

If only people would stop taking such childish glee in the obiously unfounded accusation that McCain was so petulant at not being able to pick Joe Lieberman that he leaped headfirst into one of the most massive political blunders in decades, picking a borderline-traitorous intellectual lightweight with a track record of penny-ante authoritarianism, utter ignorance of American history, unapologetic suckling on the federal teat, and a family situation worthy of Jerry Springer on a bad day, we could focus on the issues.

I mean, look, the conservative position is clear, and clearly moral. Pretending otherwise would be a disaster.

Every unwed mother is just a wed mother just waiting to happen, as Jesus teaches us. Open your arms and embrace familial bliss, Murphy Browns of our nation’s secondary schools. You’re never too young to decide you’re going to marry the father after all.

As part of his far-reaching educational policy, John McCain will supplement abstinence-only education with courses designed to help our nation’s sixth and seventh graders plan their shotgun weddings. Everything from deciding what dress to shoplift at Wal-Mart to finding a grownup to buy beer for the wedding party to what kind of parking lot is best for a traditional religious ceremony will be covered. Special lessons on ethics will teach America’s Most Promising Moms how to convince that stick-in-the-mud to put down his Yu-Gi-Oh cards to finally say “yes!” and plausibly mean it.

They’re going to make America whole again, and they won’t end their crusade until every high schooler in that cesspool of unconstitutional land grabs, contraception, and race-mixing once known as the “United States” of America is pregnant, married, white, and proud to be Alaskan.

THE EDITORS ADDS:

One word: Presidential.  Admittedly a bit of a faux pas here, bringing rifles to a shotgun wedding, but the refreshing taste of Schlitz beer can do that to you.  Steve Wilkos will perform the service.