I almost forgot the most important thing: shut the fuck up about ‘fantasy football’. I fucking hate ‘fantasy football’. I hate people who have ‘fantasy football’ ‘teams’. If you have a ‘fantasy football’ ‘team’, I hope terrible things happen to you. I hope every ‘fantasy football’ ‘team’ finishes in dead last place. (I neither know nor care if that is actually possible, I merely hope that’s how things turn out in my ‘fantasy schadenfreude’ league.) I hope D&D nerds brutally blackjack you with velvet bags full of polyhedral dice. I hope gangs of compulsive masturbators break into your ‘fantasy draft room’ and crumple your ‘fantasy depth charts’ into dust with their overdeveloped abductor pollicis muscles. I hope all sorts dreadful and poetically justified violence happens to you, and I hope you wash up, bloody and beaten, on the shores of Fantasy Island in Hell. And then I hope Herve Villechaize and and Ricardo Montalban take turns whipping football-sized horse turds at your face for all eternity and asking you if you are enjoying your ‘Football Fan-tasy’. FOREVER!! You horrible, horrible, horrible assholes.
And get better fantasies.
September 5, 2008 at 3:38 pm
OK, who said, “fantasy football”, it’s Ned’s control word and, as you can see Ned is out of purple drank. Dammit people. He’s acting like he owes Justin Tuck money, and he’s been buying old-timey musical instruments again, setting them up in his garage, attempting to lure hipsters into his progressive funk Western Kentucky AC/DC trib band, (totally ironic of of course.) Even Tori Spelling knows this means it’s Autumn.
September 5, 2008 at 3:38 pm
You must be a Redskins fan.
September 5, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Your momma.
September 5, 2008 at 3:46 pm
How dare you cast aspersions upon the brainless sports-entertainment complex!
September 5, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Please, nobody say, “Ass Pong”, or is that the game they love?
September 5, 2008 at 4:06 pm
I almost forgot the most important thing: shut the fuck up about ‘good time comedy political blogging’. I fucking hate ‘good time comedy political blogging’. I hate people who have good time comedy political blogs. If you have a ‘good time comedy political blog’, I hope terrible things happen to you. I hope every good time comedy political blog receives no hits. (I neither know nor care if that is actually possible, I merely hope that’s how things turn out in my ‘fantasy schadenfreude’ league.) I hope D&D nerds brutally blackjack you with velvet bags full of polyhedral dice. I hope gangs of compulsive masturbators break into your ‘blogroll’ and crumple your ‘list of co-nerds’ into dust with their overdeveloped abductor pollicis muscles. I hope all sorts dreadful and poetically justified violence happens to you, and I hope you wash up, bloody and beaten, on the shores of the reconstructed set of Tron, (Tron II: Tron vs. Krull.) And then I hope Bit and Byte take turns whipping internet-sized horse turds at your face for all eternity and asking you if you are enjoying your ‘good time comedy political blog’. FOREVER!! You horrible, horrible, horrible assholes.
And get better fantasies.
September 5, 2008 at 4:10 pm
What do you know, you fuck?
September 5, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Now thats fantasy football snark we Canadiens can objectively know, my friends.
September 5, 2008 at 4:42 pm
MSNBC says you’re just suffering from Palin hangover. Hair o’ the dog oughta do the trick.
Go Bucs!
September 5, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Right-O.
September 5, 2008 at 4:54 pm
So what would I be required to do if I were both a D&D nerd and a fantasy football player?
I mean, you know, hypothetically.
September 5, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Someone put out a call for compulsive masturbators?
September 5, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Someone here getting up a posse of compulsive masturbators?
September 5, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Editors, I’ll agree with your sentiments, but add a small amendment: feel free to indulge in fantasy whatever, but for the love of Christ, shut the fuck up about it. Fantasy geeks labor under the delusion that the rest of the world shares their enthusiasm for their “team”. We don’t. Don’t tell us about it. We don’t care.
And just to add one final dig, real sports fans don’t need any artificial flavoring to enhance the experience. We don’t bet, and we sure as hell don’t need pretend teams to root for.
September 5, 2008 at 5:25 pm
The larger point is this, everyone’s hobby/past time/sanity mechanism is lame, (except for Airwolf who’s hobby is firing missiles up your ass), and everyone is a nerd, (except for Airwolf), so it’s all endlessly negating.
September 5, 2008 at 5:28 pm
I’m so tired of hearing what constitutes a “real” football fan(atic.) Why doesn’t everyone just create a circle jerk large enough to be seen from space so google maps can create a list of cock sizes in an easily searchable database.
September 5, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Combine them. Actually, I might play that.
Amen. Play fantasy football, write poetry, take drugs, visit prostitutes, I really don’t give a shit, as long as you have the common decency to be ashamed of yourself. I write this dorky fucking weblog, for God’s sake, so I’m in no position to criticize anyone’s stupid hobby. But at least I don’t go around talking about it constantly.
September 5, 2008 at 5:40 pm
I wouldn’t be so harsh — the Patriots were a good team in fantasy last year.
September 5, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I fantasize about steroid juiced musclemen in tight pants, fondling each others buttocks.
That and washing down a bottle of hydrocodone with some fine aged single malt scotch.
September 5, 2008 at 6:12 pm
“So what would I be required to do if I were both a D&D nerd and a fantasy football player?
Combine them. Actually, I might play that.”
Because YOU demanded it!
My friends, I present Blood Ball…
http://www.blood-bowl.net/BBMagArticles/BBSquigs.html
September 5, 2008 at 6:14 pm
Oh fuck me, it’s Blood Bowl… There goes my geek cred. No wonder I couldn’t find any good pictures.
September 5, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Blood ball is what you cough up the next afternoon after washing down a bottle of hydrocodone with some fine aged single malt scotch.
September 5, 2008 at 6:27 pm
thanks for reminding me to check the line-up in my fantasy football team!!
September 5, 2008 at 7:16 pm
Speaking of gangs of compulsive masturbators, Can we get someone to set up a fantasy wingnut league for us?
September 5, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Kathleen Says:
Oh, Daisy Dalrymple, you are so precocious! You can’t play with the boys! Or can you?
September 5, 2008 at 7:52 pm
If you need to be reminded, you’re not one of the truly hopeless cases.
In truth, fantasy sports may already be on the way to surpassing real ones. Check out any major sports site–especially ESPN. Fantasy is often emphasized over reality. We are close to reaching the point where actual teams are secondary to the imaginary ones. If this is the way it has to be, I can accept that reality (because reality is what non-fantasy people accept). But you can’t make me like it.
September 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm
You ballers better stop fantasizing about my end-zone…
September 5, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Real men only play Calvinball. All other sports are for pussies.
September 5, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Hooray! It’s fantasy football time!
September 5, 2008 at 9:22 pm
And then I hope Herve Villechaize and and Ricardo Montalban take turns whipping football-sized horse turds at your face for all eternity and asking you if you are enjoying your ‘Football Fan-tasy’. FOREVER!! You horrible, horrible, horrible assholes.
Ladies and gentlemen, The Audacity of Hope.
September 5, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Football is the symbolic conquest and sexual violation of the enemy tribe. Opposing warriors are thrown to the ground in a simulated gang rape. Warriors attempt to “penetrate” the sacred territory of the Enemy, depositing a seed-shaped inflated bladder of pig skin, representing the forced submission and insemination of captured females. After completing this act, the triumphant male ritually prances around the violated territory in a victory dance, further humiliating the males of the conquered tribe.
September 5, 2008 at 10:30 pm
I just wanted to say that last year was the first time I’ve ever “played” fantasy football, and my team lost every single game. 0-14, baby! This is apparently a hard thing to do, especially when you consider that I had players who were supposedly good – Steven Jackson was one, Vince Young was another – but who sucked ass all year long. So, yeah, fuck fantasy football. Ruined the whole football season for me it did.
Thank god the Giants stepped up to save it for me, right at the end. HA HA! [/Editors baiting]
September 6, 2008 at 1:01 am
Fantasy Rugby-for-sissies?
September 6, 2008 at 8:08 am
I can’t figure out why, but this post is totally reminding me of the football video game the Editors and I used to play in college. It was fun; you could play a real team, or have a draft with real players, and then manage the whole season with your team. It really let you indulge in the fantasy of running an NFL team.
September 6, 2008 at 8:49 am
Dear Editors,
Perhaps you can help me with a problem.
I have both Peyton Manning and Bret Favre as fantasy QBs on my fantasy football team. Which one should I start? Do you think I should start the injury rehabbing Manning on my fantasy football team? Or will Favre be a better pick for my fantasy football team? Can I substantively analyze Favre’s chip on his shoulder vs. Manning’s gimpy leg againt Chicago’s defense for my fantasy football team.
My fantasy football team thanks you in advance.
September 6, 2008 at 9:14 am
fantasy football, yes, I agree. No need to go all ‘meta’ on a sport which is only beautiful by its utter lack of ‘meta’.
However, the merging of fantasy football and D&D is an intriguing development. You mean, if, say, Adrian Peterson rushes for more than 100 yards, Groxmyx the Mage gets an extra hit die for his Magic Missiles and Tolgard the Mighty gains +1 on his to hit probability? Or what? Or maybe your fantasy team is already a bunch of NPCs in your scenario and the opposing team are random encounter monsters? But then at the end of the week, you’d know already that your player characters are dead, pretty much.
September 6, 2008 at 9:16 am
Oh, and pass the mead o’er here, wenches, there’s more dragon gold where that lot came from, harrrrgh.
September 6, 2008 at 10:12 am
“However, the merging of fantasy football and D&D is an intriguing development. “…
No doubt hundreds of unsung teenage geeks have done this over the 3.5 decade life of D&D. Runequest was the first to publish 25 years ago, to the best of my knowlege, with Trollball. In which a team of trolls ran around bashing each other with clubs, whilst attempting to carry the “ball” across the goal line. (The ball being a trollkin, essentially a goblin in D&D terms). While this was a fun diversion for us players, it was rather time consuming, and tended to just devolve into a melee between PCs. Making it, of course, a perfect analogy for modern (american rules) football.
Games Workshop came along sometime later with Blood Bowl. Like most of their products it was really a transparent attempt to sell more miniatures, and primarily appealed to adolescent male heavy metal fans.
September 6, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Football is the symbolic conquest and sexual violation of the enemy tribe. Opposing warriors are thrown to the ground in a simulated gang rape. Warriors attempt to “penetrate” the sacred territory of the Enemy, depositing a seed-shaped inflated bladder of pig skin, representing the forced submission and insemination of captured females. After completing this act, the triumphant male ritually prances around the violated territory in a victory dance, further humiliating the males of the conquered tribe.
In baseball, the goal is to go home. Yay! I’m going home!
September 6, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Football is the symbolic conquest and sexual violation of the enemy tribe. Opposing warriors are thrown to the ground in a simulated gang rape. Warriors attempt to “penetrate” the sacred territory of the Enemy, depositing a seed-shaped inflated bladder of pig skin, representing the forced submission and insemination of captured females. After completing this act, the triumphant male ritually prances around the violated territory in a victory dance, further humiliating the males of the conquered tribe.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
September 7, 2008 at 12:22 am
LOL. No shit! If it isn’t Tecmo Super Bowl it’s NFL 2K5 for some people.
September 7, 2008 at 1:47 am
Kathleen is going to fuck your shit up. But that is neither here nor there.
September 8, 2008 at 7:00 am
Kathleen is going to fuck your shit up. But that is neither here nor there.
Dunno. Could be here.
September 8, 2008 at 7:10 am
I’m just glad I didn’t draft Tom Brady for my fantasy football team.
September 8, 2008 at 8:23 am
A couple of points here:
1. A gang of compulsive masturbators already populates most of the draft rooms.
2. Like most things, it’s really about the beer and company anyway (and possibly the compulsive masturbating, depending on your league). It’s not so much the participation, as the thinking it’s all important and shit.
3. Man, I don’t think Randy Moss is going to be as productive for me this year as I hoped, considering. I’m going to have to look at my fantasy newsletter to tell me about next week’s defenses. Maybe I’ll have to draft a free agent. What do you think I should do?
September 8, 2008 at 8:32 am
The Editors apparently have a desk job under the alias “Michael Rosenberg” of the Detroit Free Press.
September 8, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Alright, so who wants to sign up for “The Poor Man Institute Fantasy Football League”. No, wait, we don’t want to run afowl of any copyright-type stuff, so we’ll call it “The Destitute Hombre Institute Fantasy Football League”.
Rules:
1) We will not actually play fantasy football.
2) You must come up with an embarrasing or sickening team name (my team will be called “Sarah Palin’s First Downs”).
3) From time to time during the football season, crow about how My Embarrasing or Sickening Team Name Rules!
September 10, 2008 at 11:07 am
I need to pick two WRs to start this week: Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, Calvin Johnson, Torry Holt, or Roddy White. Help!
February 3, 2009 at 7:02 pm
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