I almost forgot the most important thing: shut the fuck up about ‘fantasy football’. I fucking hate ‘fantasy football’. I hate people who have ‘fantasy football’ ‘teams’. If you have a ‘fantasy football’ ‘team’, I hope terrible things happen to you. I hope every ‘fantasy football’ ‘team’ finishes in dead last place. (I neither know nor care if that is actually possible, I merely hope that’s how things turn out in my ‘fantasy schadenfreude’ league.) I hope D&D nerds brutally blackjack you with velvet bags full of polyhedral dice. I hope gangs of compulsive masturbators break into your ‘fantasy draft room’ and crumple your ‘fantasy depth charts’ into dust with their overdeveloped abductor pollicis muscles. I hope all sorts dreadful and poetically justified violence happens to you, and I hope you wash up, bloody and beaten, on the shores of Fantasy Island in Hell. And then I hope Herve Villechaize and and Ricardo Montalban take turns whipping football-sized horse turds at your face for all eternity and asking you if you are enjoying your ‘Football Fan-tasy’. FOREVER!! You horrible, horrible, horrible assholes.
And get better fantasies.