There’s a metaphor in here somewhere if I could just stop laughing long enough to suss it out:
He met her in the bar of the swank hotel and invited her to his room. Once there, the woman fixed the drinks and told him to get undressed.
And that, the delegate to the Republican National Convention told police, was the last thing he remembered.
When he awoke, the woman was gone, as was more than $120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings. [...]
The haul included a $30,000 watch, a $20,000 ring, a necklace valued at $5,000, earrings priced at $4,000 and a Prada belt valued at $1,000, police said.
The victim was identified as Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, 29, of Denver, a single attorney and a fixture in Colorado Republican politics. He was one of the state’s delegates to the convention this month in St. Paul.
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy:
In an interview filmed the afternoon of Sept. 3 and posted on the Web site LinkTV.org, Schwartz was candid about how he envisioned change under a McCain presidency.
“Less taxes and more war,” he said, smiling. He said the U.S. should “bomb the hell” out of Iran because the country threatens Israel.
Asked by the interviewer how America would pay for a military confrontation with Iran, he said the U.S. should take the country’s resources.
“We should plant a flag. Take the oil, take the money,” he said. “We deserve reimbursement.”
A few hours after the interview, an unknown woman helped herself to Schwartz’s resources.
Ladies and gentlemen, at the risk of getting all Descartastic on you, I take this as incontrovertible proof that there is a God.
Reimbursement indeed.
(PS: No, I don’t normally revel in the misfortunes of others, and I don’t make an exception for “Republicans” generally speaking. Republicans are fine enough people. Why some of my best friends are…etc.
But there are limits. For someone who feels no shame in showing the pleasure he derives from the thought of “more wars” and bombing “the hell” out of people, and for someone who believes that we deserve reimbursement for invading a country for imperialistic reasons, sending a fifth of that country’s population adrift as refugees, causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands more and generally creating an unthinkable level of relentless tragedy…well, I cop to my weakness in giving in to spite. Or my appreciation of the occasional awesomeness in Karma’s doling out of lessons).
September 16, 2008 at 10:54 am
Let’s see: access to coma-inducing quantities of pharmacuticals, a taste for jewelry worth more than most people’s homes, moves easily in Republican delegate circles … I believe this “unknown woman” was Cindy McCain. Unless, of course, she’s Mr. Schwartz.
Hey. IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE NOT TO, alright?
September 16, 2008 at 10:57 am
It’s one or the other.
September 16, 2008 at 11:01 am
Dude wears $4K earrings? It is teh awesome.
September 16, 2008 at 11:05 am
I don’t buy it.
- The tryst was with a woman? Clearly not a Republican john, unless there were diapers or wetsuits involved.
- Schwartz is single at the age of 29? No way. How could such a sweet guy not have been snapped up by some lucky gal by now?
September 16, 2008 at 11:07 am
Child criminal?
September 16, 2008 at 11:15 am
This unknown woman is truly the princess of thieves.
September 16, 2008 at 11:22 am
The Video can be seen here:
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/17484691/detail.html?rss=den&psp=news#
and it is indeed impressive. This guy has Bush’s intelligence and Cheney’s charisma. And the smirking, oh god, the smirking.
September 16, 2008 at 11:22 am
Plus, the listed items only equal $60,000. Please, please tell me he had 60K plus in cash sitting around. Privatize the risk!
September 16, 2008 at 11:24 am
Choice quote: “just do strategical airstrikes; take out their nucular facility”
September 16, 2008 at 11:27 am
My god, the video..that voice. Are we sure he isn’t a Muppet? It’s possible that the woman he picked up started with the intent of having sex with him, but after five minutes of that smugness and that voice thought the better of it.
September 16, 2008 at 11:28 am
The fundamentals of this economy are strong. He fundamentally got his ass kicked and that woman showed some strong she-nads.
I feel a new meme coming on.
September 16, 2008 at 11:29 am
just do strategical airstrikes; take out their nucular facility
I love this argument for at least a couple of reasons. It goes something like this:
1. We must not allow Iran to get a nuke.
2. Inspectors/observers say that the known facilities Iran is operating aren’t going to be able to produce a bomb for years.
3. However, since Iran is Hitler von Stalinsburg, we must conclude that Iran is secretly making great strides in their effort to make a nuclear weapon – fast outpacing the development at the known sites.
4. Therefore, in order to destroy Iran’s ability to build a nuke, we should bomb the secret sites that we can’t locate since we don’t know where they are. That’s called “strategical.”
5. Democratic uprising.
September 16, 2008 at 11:30 am
Check the CV (pdf). The first word that came to mind was money. The second was laundering.
September 16, 2008 at 11:35 am
$120K worth of stuff and he wears a jacket that ugly? I smell insurance fraud.
Oh and SamFromUtah, do we need to rely on his word that the alleged perpetrator was a woman?
September 16, 2008 at 12:12 pm
It’s elementary, Watson. She’s a Soviet super-spy.
But this raises a problem. If she’s a Soviet spy, then by praising her act of stealing $120,000 of stuff, we’ll be giving aid and comfort to terrorists, and that’s treason.
Besides… the family values, what about the family values?
– bi, International Journal of Inactivism
September 16, 2008 at 12:21 pm
I like the insurance fraud angle myself, PaminBB.
Note the cop saying how “rare” this kind of heist is. And his CV, which just screams “profiteer” and “money launderer”?
Oh, yeah. Methinks this putz is just enough of a smug asshole to try and pay off a bad debt with a little ‘creative’ accounting…
September 16, 2008 at 12:23 pm
What a fucking ponce. I thought I’d get a kick out of watching the video, but it’s just stupid.
Fucking Ponce:
TV Guy:
Fucking Ponce:
Fucking Ponce:
Repeated until I stopped the madness. This is terrorism without the terror: pissed off people make bad decisions, so piss people off for advantage.
I bet he cried when he pulled the bloody dildo out of his ass. The jewel in the chump crown, though, is that he called the cops. Nixon would have had her/his (the perp’s) nose on a fork.
September 16, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Duh.
: &nblt;obnoxious trolling&nbgt;
: &nblt;question about obnoxious trolling&nbgt;
: &nblt;smirk, nod, repeat&nbgt;
: &nblt;obnoxious trolling&nbgt;
September 16, 2008 at 12:30 pm
The only thing that could have been better is if he was one of those mid-level political appointees to the Dept of Homeland Security and had all the blueprints to chemical plants, the secret decoder matrix to the no-fly list, and the location of the vat of formaldehyde that Chertoff sleeps in on his stolen laptop.
And is it my imagination, or does he resemble B-movie baddie Robert Z’Dar?
September 16, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Local ad for his law office. I love these guys!
September 16, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Holy crap. These guys are plaintiff’s attorneys.
You know, the dreaded trial lawyers that the GOP is always going on about.
Just another case of frivolous lawsuit hypocrisy I guess (see, ie, Trent Lott, Bork, etc).
But it’s not as much hypocrisy as stupidity for Schwartz.
You’d think Schwartz would be smart enough to realize that the GOP is threatening to cut off his livelihood, but then after watching the video, you wouldn’t think that at all.
Wait until he wakes up in the hotel room after the GOP passes wideranging tort “reform.”
September 16, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Local ad for his law office. I love these guys!
Wasn’t the guy on the left Dante in Clerks?
Wonder in Ann Coulter can account for her whereabouts on the evening in question?
September 16, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I am outraged by this incident.
The thief did not have the decency to give this jackhole the ass-raping he so richly deserved.
September 16, 2008 at 1:21 pm
…or was looking for.
September 16, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I think this story scores an 8 on the Two-Wetsuits-and-a-Dildo Schadenfreude-o-meter.
Sure hope this makes it into Stewart’s and Colbert’s shows tonight!
September 16, 2008 at 1:24 pm
He met her in the bar of the swank hotel…
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Cherry Cola
C-O-L-A Cola….
September 16, 2008 at 1:25 pm
IB wins.
September 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Well, r€nato, maybe she did: he called it “date-rape”, and surely even Smirky McDouchebag wouldn’t be so clueless as to think being robbed of a few spendy but ultimately useless trinkets the same as being actually physically raped… nevermind.
September 16, 2008 at 2:22 pm
Before making mean presumptions you should check page 3 of his CV.
He is a member of the Multiple Sclerosis Society. Maybe he just forgot what happened that night? Maybe he gave a well-earned gift to the woman which took his virginhood?
September 16, 2008 at 6:32 pm
- so… What did he look like, the guy?
- ah, you know, kinda funny lookin’
September 16, 2008 at 7:56 pm
[...] Your modern GOP in essence. [...]
September 16, 2008 at 8:14 pm
Steady with the schadenfreude. How does the actual value of this allegedly existing loot relate to its insured value? Remember, this is Republican we’re talking about here. I’m just hoping that GOP policies have bankrupted his insurer.
September 16, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I was involved in a class-action lawsuit against a Republican, and all I got was this lousy coupon for one Free Democrat…
September 16, 2008 at 9:57 pm
Schadenfreude, muthafucka, with great bulging yarblockos!
September 16, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Are they serious with that Ad? Schwartz looks like he should be fetching ice for Isaac on the Love Boat with that red jacket. Hideous.
September 17, 2008 at 5:38 am
does anyone look at this story and NOT think that this guy inflated the value of the stolen goods? I think that accounts for the discrepancy. “let’s see… thats $60,000 all told, oh what the hell, lets call it an even $120,000″
September 17, 2008 at 6:48 am
The only thing that could have been better is if
…she gave him the turboherpes before stealing his electric cowboy costume.
September 17, 2008 at 11:34 am
I think we can only assume that she took all his clothes and left him only with some socks and the cowboy shirt. At least that’s what I choose to believe.
September 17, 2008 at 1:25 pm
I still don’t get the (I guess) women’s jewelry.
The guy’s not married, right? But has diamond earrings and necklaces?
September 17, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I don’t think the story is complete without some rendition of the Amazing Rhythm Aces and “Third Rate Romance”
September 17, 2008 at 2:47 pm
What I love about this guy is how his military strategy seems to be derived from that great Republican standby, the leveraged buyout- where you buy a company on credit and then pay for it by liquidating its own assets.
Leveraged war. What a concept.
September 17, 2008 at 5:54 pm
Hey, he was asking for it! Just look at that watch! And those earrings! Clearly, he went to a strange town and tried to pick up a robber.
That is, if he was really robbed at all. I mean, I read on the internet that a man can’t be robbed at all unless he wants to. I’ll just bet he really gave her all the stuff, and then he got buyer’s remorse and started screaming “Robbery!” Guys do that, you know!
If only there was some kind of kit they could use to help determine if he was really robbed. It would take fingerprints and pictures, and give him a polygraph test and maybe check him for drugs, and be within the means of most Americans. Alleged victims could pay for this kit in advance of any investigation into the purported crime.
September 17, 2008 at 8:25 pm
I don’t want to stereotype…but the guy is of russian ancestry and as “Owned and operated international businesses with offices in the U.S. and Russian Federation”. Mob lawyer? I mean, it would be irresponsible NOT to speculate.
September 17, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Very appropriate use of post heading, I might add.
This blog’s reputation as the home of whiny prog listeners remains undisturbed.
September 17, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Does that guy look coked up or what?!
September 17, 2008 at 10:08 pm
fixd
September 17, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I can’t say if Schwartz is gay, but those clothes he’s wearing sure are.
September 18, 2008 at 12:38 am
AC/DC fucking rocks. Put that in your poll, pinhead.
September 18, 2008 at 4:07 am
Have they shut down the website yet? I can’t access it or the pdf.
I am waiting for the tape from the security cameras the hotel must have. That will be interesting.
September 18, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Local ad for his law office. I love these guys!
What a couple of complete fucking tools!
September 19, 2008 at 7:09 am
[...] on the upholstery. Unless you were thinking along the lines of the girl tranny that jacked Gabby Schwartz. [...]
September 20, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Anyone who wears a $1,000 belt deserves to be drugged and robbed at every possible opportunity.