Sit down in a comfortanble chair. Make sure your fridge is fully stocked with purple drank. Prepare yourself for the final ~40 days of Campaign 2008: Fellating the “Swing Voter”:
A new study out today puts in stark numbers the importance of swing voters — specifically whites with at least a high school diploma, but no college degree.
The study done for the Democratic Leadership Council, the moderate group that helped put Bill Clinton in the White House, estimates those voters swing the outcome of a general election by an “astonishing average of 6.7 percentage points between elections that Democrats win and lose.”
“That is more than double the margin by which President Bush defeated John Kerry in 2004. Cutting into Republicans’ traditional margin with these voters could well mean the difference between a broad Democratic triumph and a narrow Democratic defeat,” the study says.
And those voters are precisely the ones whom Barack Obama struggled to win over during the Democratic primaries against Hillary Clinton.
Who are these “swing voters”? you ask. What do they want? What makes them tick? How fucking long does it take for them to make up their fucking minds? Well, Dear Reader, since I apparently have nothing better to do than answer a series of increasingly pointless questions from a bunch of lazy, undersexed ingrates, let me show you. Using advanced technology at the PMI Advanced Political Simulation Laboratory which theoreticians aren’t allowed to play with, we have developed an interactive computer model of the average swing voter, in order to answer those very question. Behold, the American Swing Voter, the most desired demographic of them all!
(You can tell she’s too smart to be a Republican because she knows Spain is our ally. Veep material, that one.) How to appeal to them? I suggest constant shameless lying, followed by bribing with moonshine. Or not. Whatever it is, it’s not gonna be pretty.