October 2008


OMG!  Obama hates the press!

The Obama campaign has decided to heave out three newspapers from its plane for the final days of its blitz across battleground states — and all three endorsed Sen. John McCain for president!

The NY POST, WASHINGTON POST and DALLAS MORNING NEWS have all been told to move out by Sunday to make room for network bigwigs — and possibly for the inclusion of reporters from two black magazines, ESSENCE and JET, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

Wingnuts are, of course, pantomime outraged at such behavior.  But you can understand how Obama would be peeved.  Consider the Washington Post’s endorsement of John McCain:

THE NOMINATING process this year produced two unusually talented and qualified presidential candidates. There are few public figures we have respected more over the years than Sen. John McCain. Yet it is without ambivalence that we endorse Sen. Barack Obama for president.

Still: ESSENCE and JET!!!  You know what that means!

UPDATE: Drudge corrects – ’twas the Moonie Cult Newsletter, not the WaPo.  An understandable oopsie-doodle.  However, we can confirm that Obama is black, and all that entails.  His middle name is Hussein, even.  Via the invaluable American Truckers At War.

Your modern Republican Party:

ABC News’ Steven Portnoy reports: In a conservative radio interview that aired in Washington, D.C. Friday morning, Republican vice presidential nominee Gov. Sarah Palin said she fears her First Amendment rights may be threatened by “attacks” from reporters who suggest she is engaging in a negative campaign against Barack Obama.

Palin told WMAL-AM that her criticism of Obama’s associations, like those with 1960s radical Bill Ayers and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, should not be considered negative attacks.  Rather, for reporters or columnists to suggest that it is going negative may constitute an attack that threatens a candidate’s free speech rights under the Constitution, Palin said.

“If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations,” Palin told host Chris Plante, “then I don’t know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media.

Yeah, really!  Why can’t the press cover Sarah Palin like this:

The Constitution is a document designed to protect the rights of powerful Republican politicians from the tyranny of a free Press.  Also, we need laws to defend Republicans from political hate speech.  And this is the future of the Republican party.  Thanks, libertarians!

Shorter Barack “Malcom X’s Illegitimate Son Driving a Lavendar Car” Obama:

Look into my eyes bitchez, not at the curled testicles in my clenched fist of hate.

Trust me, that’ll all make sense after I rob you of a few moments of your life and recompensate you with some minor mental and emotional scarring.

Just as every day the tide brings in the putrifying flotsam and jetsam of wingnut dementia, today is no exception. And so it is that we at The Toot have to take out the trash and tack some addenda to the bill of particulars that a mere four days ago stood at:

Marxist Muslim Arab Jesus Black White Terrorist Technocrat Racist Do-Gooder Liberal FDR Stalin Hilter Commie Fascist Gay Womanizing Naive Cynical Insider Noob Boring Radical Unaccomplished Elite Slick Gaffe-Prone Pedophile Pedophile-Seducing Liberation Theology Atheist Etc. & Anti-Etc.

First, the always insightful Witless Shrugs has kerninged the kernels that few were brave enough to finagle and has established, quite persuasively I might add (with pictures!), that Obama is secretly…Malcom X’s illegitimate son.  That’s the type of crazy that stands out on a psych ward.  But, as our hero Sisyphus discovered, it gets worse.  Or, at least, that you’re never really done dealing with this same monotonous bullshit day in and day out. 

Speaking of which, via Cole the Repentant, comes…no master says must not linkfight against negra mind cont….must not linkresist blaculoidyou are a chickenmust not gaze into zombie Malcom’s eyessss:

Obama has not even won the election, yet here is a 67 page, 192 footnote pdf file titled “An Examination of Obama’s Use of Hidden Hypnosis Techniques in His Speeches.” Deep in the spittle, you can find insights such as the following:

“Worse yet, his hypnosis probably has at least some effect on millions. Jews voting for the candidate endorsed by Iran, Hamas, Farakhan, and Khalidi should be a wake up signal that something is not Kosher.”

As impressive as those entries are, the buzz in Real Americawood is that this post, replete with flaming asshole fantasies and crushed testicle dreams (there is so nothing gay on this dude’s continuum), is potentially Golden Winger-worthy:

There is a scene in Flannery O’Connor’s 1960 novel The Violent Bear It Away, wherein the protagonist, a 14-year-old boy, is picked up hitchhiking by a man in a lavender automobile. The man plies the boy, Francis Tarwater, with whiskey and reefer. When the boy wakes up he’s lying in a field with his pants around his ankles, and his asshole burning. I won’t get into the Catholic allegory in that story, or the implication that the man in the lavender automobile is Satan, or Tarwater’s own inexorable slide into fundamentalist prophecy. I will aver, however, that I find the story relevant. Hold that thought [curv: must I?]. [...]

I mention this because I firmly believe Barack Obama absolutely loathes my kind. This man will not be content to win the presidency. He will spend his waking hours thereafter not pursuing the legitimate goals of state, but punishing those who would dare to oppose him…

The inevitability of Barack Obama has rendered the sane lycanthropic, the skeptical bemused, the disputatious fearful. It is no coincidence that formerly reliable conservative pundits are jumping the McCain ship like bilge rats in a galley fire. Most people attribute this craven capitulation to elitism. Noonan, Frum, Chris Buckley, that dithering Converse finishing school twit Kathleen Parker, they’re elitists! No, they’re not. Or that’s not what is compelling them. They are fucking afraid. Afraid to be the last dissenting voice in the face of the Hope and Change juggernaut. The Chinese kid versus the tanks in Tiannamen they are not. They are elitists, but they are cowards first and foremost. We don’t need them. And, unfortunately for them, Obama doesn’t need them. Therefore I will speak their names no more….

Did I mention this man hates me? You and me? Yes he does. Why? Because he can. Yes He Can. Beneath that cool persona is a megalomaniac. Cool? Like Stalin after a purge, emotionally and sexually spent. Like Saddam after a torture session, dozing in his chair with someone’s genitals curled in his fist. Like Pol Pot after a petit mal seizure, mumbling a litany of the dead. Cool that way.

So I will cast my pathetic vote, and ramp up my relocation to the mountains. Reduce my footprint. Carbon? That will be a nice byproduct, but I mean my personal footprint. My credit footprint. My interface with authority footprint. I’m researching micro-hydro water turbines for that stream, windmills for water, a half-acre patch for vegetables, a few goats, and a bison. Just because I want a fucking bison. My address? Fifty rounds up that gravel road.

I do hate to sound Randy Weaverish. But this is the fundament of my world view right now.

Speaking of fundaments, remember that guy in the lavender automobile?

Precisely. The whiskey of Hope. The jokesmoke of Change. I am Tarwater. We are all Tarwater.

But in all serious, um, where’s my whisky and reefer?  The pants don’t come off until I’m properly plied goddammit!

Why won’t this kitten allow the public to see its video of Barack Obama, along with Weather Underground terrorists Bill Ayers and Bernadine Dohrn, toasting former Palestinian Liberation Organization spokesman Rashid Khalidi at a 2003 event honoring the Arafat disciple and his wife?

I get that this kitten is attempting to enable fraud on behalf of [the Obama] campaign — but how does this pass even a minimum test of reasonableness?

Are these kittens … deliberately using the techniques of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), a covert form of hypnosis…?

This kitten is a lying sack of socialist shit.

And, as a special bonus:

This guinea pig is such a radical that prior to the worse terror attacks in our nation’s history, when most Americans were blissfully unaware of al Qaeda or Osama bin Laden, he was comparing our government, which had in less than nine months prior transitioned from Clinton to Bush, to Hitler’s.

I used to worry that, if the Republicans were driven out of Washington, utterly defeated, that the crazy would all dry up and I would have to find a new hobby.  I now believe my fears were unfounded.  The meltdown shall be glorious.

… A NEW CHALLENGER APPEARS!!

Minutes ago I spoke with friend Dr. Norman G. Marvin, M.D. and he is so concerned at what he has learned about this bunny’s family in Kenya that he is calling a special prayer meeting in his home to pray against the witchcraft curses attempted by them against John McCain and Sarah Palin.

If this next clip were one of those cutesy pun stores, and also if it sold sewing supplies and sewing-themed merchandise, it would be called “Sew Awesome”:

Dana Bash: I just got off of the phone, Wolf, with a senior McCain adviser and I read this person the quote and I think it is fair to say that this person was speechless.  There was a long pause and I just heard a “huh” on the other end of the phone.

Well said.

So: Palin/Todd 2012?  Palin/Sinclair 2012?  Palin/of Spades 2012?  Like, where is Sarah Freaking Palin going to find a VP choice who won’t make her look like a total lightweight, who won’t just use her as a stepping stone to greater things, and who will be willing to launch attacks which she herself finds “too sleazy”?

Oh, I know: Palin/McCain 2012.  That sounds perfect.

Noted non-gay heterosexual who is 100% hot for the ladies Dennis Prager, 2008:

Equality, which is the primary value of the left, is a European value, not an American value. Let me tell you that right now. I know this sounds offensive to half of my fellow Americans, because they have been Europeanized in their values. The French Revolution is not the American Revolution. The French Revolution said Liberty, Fraternity, Equality. The American Revolution said Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. We have lost touch with what our distinctive American values are. We have distinctive American values.We have a better value system, and this is being protected by one of the two parties: the Republican party.

Thomas Jefferson, 1784:

The foundation on which all our constitution are built is the natural equality of man [...]

Thomas Jefferson, 1809:

The best principles of our republic secure to all its citizens a perfect equality of rights.

Thomas Paine, 1794:

I believe in the equality of man; and I believe that religious duties consist in doing justice, loving mercy, and endeavoring to make our fellow-creatures happy.

Alexis de Tocqueville, (apocryphal?):

Americans are so enamored of equality that they would rather be equal in slavery than unequal in freedom.

Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963:

I look forward confidently to the day when all who work for a living will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions. This will be the day when we bring into full realization the American dream – a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men will not argue that the color of a man’s skin determines the content of his character; a dream of a nation where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone, but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of the human personality.

Abraham Lincoln, 1863:

Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Samuel Adams, 1776:

Were the talents and virtues which heaven has bestowed on men given merely to make them more obedient drudges, to be sacrificed to the follies and ambition of a few? Or, were not the noble gifts so equally dispensed with a divine purpose and law, that they should as nearly as possible be equally exerted, and the blessings of Providence be equally enjoyed by all?

Albert Einstein, 1933:

As long as I have any choice, I will stay only in a country where political liberty, toleration, and equality of all citizens before the law are the rule.

Whatever, those guys were probably totally gay.  But what about Dennis’ favorite equality-eschewing document, the very unEuropean Declaration of Independence, 1776?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Huh.  Guess he musta skimmed over that part.

A good bit of background on the most recent most important crisis of our generation/next WWII, Russia v Georgia, now completely forgotten.  In addition to freaking out every six months about whatever happens to be on the front page and noting how much everybody reminds them of Neville Chamberlain, it is an annoying habit of American pundits, and politicians, to think everything requires some kind of definitive and binding American position statement before the smoke clears.  Most things that happen on Earth have nothing to do with us, and few geopolitical conflicts suffer from a shortage of American grandstanding.

Now, 4-Way Funk Cube will shake your booty 96 times in a single rotation.  Brass Construction is clearly planning a Funkkrieg across your Bootinot Line, you appeasers:

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