~VOTING IS NOW OPEN~

Previous winners:

2005 - Barbara Bush – “Katrina worked out really well for poor people

2006 - Dan Reihl, “Neighbors With Attitude“*

* Decided by the Ghost of William Rehnquist

kipgoldennutHello, I’m Kip Winger. You may remember me from such classic songs as “(She’s Only) Seventeen” and “(She’s Only) Seventeen (Unplugged)”. When I heard that The Editors wanted me to host the nominations for the Wank of the Year, I knew that was an opportunity that only comes around once in lifetime, so I put on my Magical Crown of Wingnuttery and transformed myself into a SOLID GOLD JPEG so I could be more easily uploaded to this weblog. For such is the Kipmas magic which comes in every bottle of Pert Plus!

Lots of wanks embarrass the wanker; but, for Wank of the Year, that’s not enough. A truly outstanding wank should humiliate the audience, shame the human race, and really raise some serious questions about whether this whole “Big Bang” enterprise was really such a hot idea. And of all this wanks which wankers have wunk, only one will be awarded me, The Golden Winger, the most storied prize in all of Wingnuttia!

(LEGAL DISCLAIMER: all Golden Winger selections are subject to review at any time by Ghosts of Kipmas Past.)

The Nominees for the 2008 Golden Winger for Wank of the Year:

1. Pam Atlas, “Malcolm X was Obama’s dad

After winning the 2006 Palme D’Haire, she should really be disqualified from future prizes.  Also, she’s clearly insane, and making fun of her is like poking sticks through the bars at Bellvue.  So why is she nominated?  FOR I, KIP WINGER, HAVE DECREED IT SO!  So thrill to the majesty of Pam’s 30,000 page opus explaining how Google can prove that Barack Obama is the illegitimate child of Scary Sixties Black Dude Malcolm X.  Or, if you don’t want to waste a week and give yourself a brain tumor, just admire the wanktoitiveness required to make such an idiot of yourself.  Even on the internets, she is something special.

2. Jonah Golberg, Liberal Fascism

The Doughy Pantload.  The Jonanist.  Doughbob Loadpants. 4-Way Dough Cube.  By whatever name you know him, Jonah Goldberg proved in 2008 that his runaway 2005 Chickenhawk of the Year win was no fluke.  His long-delayed masterpiece was praised to the stars by critics, provided these critics were wearing Jonah Goldberg’s ample pants.  Conservatives turned away in disgrace, liberals pointed and laughed, monkeys peed in their mouths, and Jonah defended himself from this abuse with hilarious self-abuse.  Wanktastic.

3. Fred Hiatt, “The Intelligence Committee says whatever I says it says

Fred Hiatt.  Editorial page editor of the Washington Post.  Utter wanker.  Here, he combats the scourge of mean bumper stickers by pretending that the  Select Committee on Intelligence’s “Phase 2” report on the use of intelligence to sell the Iraq War completely exhonerates the Bush Administration, when, in fact, anyone who looked at it for five minutes could see it did exactly the opposite.  Not as creative as Pam What’s-Her-Name, but as brazen a wank as you are ever likely to see.

4. Larry Johnson, The Whitey Album

Michelle Obama blames everything on “Whitey” at a secret Black Panther meeting hosted by OJ Simpson and Louis Farrakhan and Fitty Cent!  Video here!

5. Sarah Palin, “Disagreeing with me is unconstitutional!

Here is how a free press should vet a Vice-President: