~VOTING IS NOW OPEN~
Previous winners:
2005 - Bill O’Reilly
2006 - Crazy Pam What’s-Her-Face
The Coveted and Oft-Delayed Palme d’Haire: rarely has the winner of such a groundbreaking award been considered with such detail, or such care:
1. John McCain - The whole Sarah Palin romance-gone-wrong, supporting waterboarding, courting the crazies, getting the crazies, being The Crazy, Joe the Plumber, stunt work, singing.
2. Jonah Goldberg - Liberal Fascism (the book), Liberal Fascism (the endless pity party), embodying the Platonic ideal of a wanker, compulsive acts of “Jonanism“.
3. Harry Reid-Caves - Boldly leading the Democratic Senate to glorious surrender, Lieberman-enabling.
4. Sarah Palin - There was Troopergate – I believe that came first. Shortly followed by Dumb-As-A-Box-Of-RocksGate, Six-Figure-WardrobeGate, Reads-All-NewspapersGate, Teenage-Pregnancy-By-Narco-HillbillyGate, her Wank of the Year entry, and so on. There was also some shit about witches, and some nonsense about a turkey, but that’s just too weird, and probably just some dream I had. Also, she started a Wingnut Civil War (which, naturally, consisted mostly of cattiness and crying). Sarah Palin is awesome.
5. Michelle Malkin – A one-woman army in The War on Coffee. Boycots Dunkin’ Donuts because Rachael Ray wore a scarf, nowboycotting Starbucks because … something. Coffee-colored people from coffee-producing nations caused the housing crisis, too, and also every other problem ever. Also, whining, and constant wrongness.
December 31, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Whoa, I got the first vote.
On New Year’s Eve. Damn, that’s pathetic.
No, really, I was just going out. Really.
.
December 31, 2008 at 7:34 pm
I suspect Joe Leiberman himself only barely missed out on making this list; his speech at the convention for McCain and at every campaign event at the country, and his “we’re all friends again, right?” plea to keep his committee chairmanship; the guy even leads a political party named after himself. It
s been a monumental effort, really.
December 31, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Palin would have had my vote, were it for the facts that a) she’s never touched the interwebs, and to me the kippies are supposed to be for interwebists, and b) the less attention the world pays to Palin, the better the world will be.
December 31, 2008 at 8:07 pm
I think it has to be Jonah. McCain, whatever else he did, managed to be the GOP candidate for President, and could conceivably have won. Same for Palin. Wankery has to be incapable of actually accomplishing anything even if everything went well.
December 31, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Loadpants is the Titanic of the Kippies. And of the conservative Tubes. And of his own home.
So I gotta be contrary and vote for Palin and her new grandchild. They named the kid Meth, correct?
December 31, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Another tough category. So many wankers, so few awards.
Happy Bushless New Yearzz, MUTHAFUCKAS!!!
January 1, 2009 at 6:43 am
Wankery has to be incapable of actually accomplishing anything even if everything went well.
So Harry Reid it is, then!
January 1, 2009 at 8:18 am
Only one of these actually wanks into his Cheetos. You all know what must be done.
January 1, 2009 at 8:44 am
I can’t believe Jonah Goldberg is losing to Sarah Palin!
I know it’s fashionable to poo-poo the favorites during Golden Winger season, but teh Pantload is in danger of going from being Titanic (11 Oscars) to becoming Gangs of New York (10 nominations, no Oscars). And that just wouldn’t be right.
Doughbob has earned all three of the awards for which he has been nominated. We need to keep up our part of the bargain and give them to him!
January 1, 2009 at 9:53 am
If we don’t choose Jonah, then I pity the poor winner.
Because they’re going to have some mighty big pants to fill.
January 1, 2009 at 10:03 am
Jonah’s an easy choice for me. Generally I prefer to see these awards go to pundits and bloggers rather than to real political players, who actually have something to gain from their ludicrous posturing–they’re holding off on the wank, if you will, in hopes of actually getting to fuck us.
January 1, 2009 at 10:15 am
This category should probably be checkbox style.
I can’t pick just one.
January 1, 2009 at 10:18 am
On the merits, Governor Youbetcha.
But remember that the object of the entire political calculus for wingnuts is simply to piss off liberals. We usually play a bigger game, but I don’t mind spending my Kippie currency annoying them right back. And the universe of nominees capable of grokking the Kippies narrows to The Load and The Malkintent.
Having already awarded so much to The Load, I must go with ….. Ms. Malkin.
January 1, 2009 at 10:55 am
I find myself oddly moved by arguments that the Palm go to commentators rather than actual playas (which is Spanish for beaches! Coincidence?)
So, while my heart says Sarah, my brain says Jonah. Yeah, yeah–”it’s not fair. He wins everything.” That’s what they said about Michael Jordan, too. With cause!
January 1, 2009 at 11:18 am
So Harry Reid it is, then!
Yup. Reid doesn’t have the excuse of being stupid, or of being a legacy. He’s merely a limp dildo of an ineffectual, cringing little bootlicker. I wouldn’t waste my urine to piss in his face.
January 1, 2009 at 11:46 am
I had to vote for Caribou Barbie just for the novelty of it. Rarely has a politician been so self-unaware as to allow themselves to be shown as obviously several cards short of a full deck with such detail and care.
January 1, 2009 at 12:05 pm
“Wankery has to be incapable of actually accomplishing anything even if everything went well.”
You would dismiss the coveted Palme D’Haire as an accomplishment.
I say, give Jonah a big hand! His own!
January 1, 2009 at 2:06 pm
If we had an award for pretentious emo-classical schmancy-dancing, it’s mine, I tellz yez. I dance like a vial of amyl on faggots.
January 1, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I’m going with McCain, because of the amount of (ill deserved) respect he used to have. The fall is so dramatic. I have several acquaintances who said they might vote for McCain before his true colors became too saturated to ignore.
January 1, 2009 at 3:07 pm
So I gotta be contrary and vote for Palin and her new grandchild. They named the kid Meth, correct?
Actually, I believe it’s “Oxy,” as in “My grandma got busted for”:
http://www.mcclatchydc.com/254/story/58245.html
And anyone who doesn’t vote for Jonah is unequivocally a liberal fascist.
January 1, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Sarah Palin, no contest. I mean, look at how her entry is longer than anyone else’s right here on the page. She’s just the gift that keeps on giving. Can anyone see her accomplishing anything under any set of circumstances whatsoever? I mean, even something as simple as a coherent English sentence?
I admit the others are trying hard, but there’s such a thing as a natural.
January 1, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Dang, too late now, I meant to nominate Ben Shapiro for an award for this: http://townhall.com/columnists/BenShapiro/2008/08/20/government_is_one_big_traffic_jam
January 1, 2009 at 4:19 pm
BTW, Palin for Palm D’Haire. Easy choice.
I look forward to her spectacular flameout in 2012.
January 1, 2009 at 6:44 pm
“Palin for Palm D’Haire.”
Wow. She must have a hard to reach G-spot or something. Did yez know that, at least back in the 70s, gay fist-fuckers prized those blue corduroy Future Farmers of America jackets?
Fist Fuckers of America, show your hands!
Fist Power!
January 1, 2009 at 9:49 pm
And you would know that how?
January 2, 2009 at 1:35 am
Picking Palin and calling her his “Soul-mate” means McCain walks away with this.
Yeah, he’s a politician, yeah he was hoping to fuck the American public all term long, but he was left holding his dick, which makes him nothing more than a wanker.
January 2, 2009 at 4:35 am
If we don’t choose Jonah, then I pity the poor winner.
Because they’re going to have some mighty big pants to fill.
White Male wins the internets.
January 2, 2009 at 4:43 am
Oh yeah, the award. Bible Spice has a big job to do: destroying the GOP from within (admittedly not as big a job as it was a couple election cycles ago). She’s made a good start, but she’s going to need all the help she can get over the next three point nine years as she wins the Republican presidential nomination and leads the party to an electoral Waterloo against The Most Popular President of All Time.
So here’s my vote, Sarah. Now go to it, and good luck.
January 2, 2009 at 9:26 am
I have to give it to McCain. Yes, Palin was awesome, but we owe it to McCain that we even know about her.
Think about it – the press barbecue, the houses, Palin, the suspended campaign. What a story arc.
And the campagin – that was a campaign whose incompetence is unsurpassed in the modern era. Remember the green screen, the use of Walter Reed Middle School? The daily contradictions?
Plus McCain “That One.” the ticks, the weird laughs, the creepy old man vibe. Comedy gold.
Sarah’s turkey video gives him a run for it, but It’s gotta be McCain.
January 2, 2009 at 11:44 am
All this academic wrangling about who should or should not receive this award, amongst the people nominated this year, palin is the hands down biggest wanker. Give doughbob another award or two but for no holds barred, full frontal wanking, palin delivered day in and day out. jonah just sat on the sidelines and, as usual, wanked.
January 2, 2009 at 11:47 am
If Bristol (Middle name – Cream ?) had given birth to a girl, it woulda been “Crystal” fer shure, youbetcha.
January 2, 2009 at 12:41 pm
“And you would know that how?”
Two hows, one discovery, the other confirming:
a) Two 20-something (male) truck drivers gave me a lift in Kentucky back in ’76/’77, politely attempted to seduce me, graciously accepted my declination, then offered me first $50, then $100 dollars, for my groovy royal blue corduroy zip-up FFA windbreaker I’d bought for like, $2 at St. Vinnie’s.
As a bum, $100 in mid-70s coin was an enormous offer, but my girlfriend in California adored that jacket and I, sweet dumbass, was in love.
b) worked in a gay bathhouse on Chicago’s N side (odd Clark Avenue) as a janitor in 1980. Confirmed the FFA transliteration.
I also saw the original AIDS scare hit, saw how gays at first embraced the notion that it was all that random sex and all those drugs they did that made them get AIDS.
It was a terrible time. Some of them practically became flagellants.
It was interesting being Token Straight Boy.
Some people wonder where Chuck Palahniuk gets all those wild notions from. My guess is from his time in gay bathhouses.
I gave the jacket to a girl who left me for another woman. Ah, sweet mystery of life!
January 2, 2009 at 12:42 pm
“but he was left holding his dick, which makes him nothing more than a wanker”
Shrewd insight, that. I can see him looking at it in his hand, saying, ‘Wattinhell am I supposed to do with THIS thing?’
January 2, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Sarah Palin as Wanker reminds me of an old boss’s favorite insult for my intellectual ramblings:
“You’re finger-fucking your mind.”
January 2, 2009 at 4:26 pm
You know, for a boxer raised in a whorehouse, Harry Reid sure does get intimidated a lot by the wide-stancers on Capitol Hill.
January 2, 2009 at 4:32 pm
We need an award for sheer bad nerdy looks. The kind that could be avoided by not being totally out of one’s fucking mind. So guys like Richard Cohen can win something. The guy makes George F. Will look suave.
January 2, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I nominate this thing for something, sometime, maybe.
http://politicalwire.com/archives/2009/01/02/military_still_wary_of_obama.html#disqus_thread
January 2, 2009 at 4:56 pm
Hero: http://disqus.com/people/jgrillo/#main
January 2, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Galant is all opening the door for the lady, and Goofus, is all like *Ha!* Goofus is all like, *whump* “no entry for you lady!” *UhhHa! ha ha ha uh ha ha ha uh ha!11!*
January 2, 2009 at 5:06 pm
knee morf!11!
January 2, 2009 at 5:35 pm
Reid worked the hardest for it. He always stands up to his supporters.
January 2, 2009 at 7:19 pm
This one is for the readers of this wondertastic blog-thing we know as the ‘toot:
Also this (couldn’t find “New Year’s Eve,” so this will have to serve as an appropriate place holder and besides “New Year’s Eve” would be a day late and a dollar short):
January 2, 2009 at 8:42 pm
I’m gonna undermine my own philosophy – kinda – and give this one to Jonah. The zenith for me came when Dave Noon from Zevon wrote an admiring email that, for the sole reason of being admiring, was instantly put on the NRO-created site.
Plus, if there’s anyone more in need of a shove out of the realm of accepted journamalism, it’s him. F— the LA Times.
January 2, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Here’s my problem with Sarah Palin getting the PDH: this award reeks solemnity and grandeur. Sarah Palin is a dork.
SP has the desperate desire to escape moose mousse and will quickly rent a persona worthy of the aforementioned splendor. She will be a contender. But not yet.
January 3, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Sarah Palin really shouldn’t win this award. Of course Palin is a moron and a whack job, and has an impressive ability to get all the morons and whack jobs on the right side of the aisle to stand up behind her in praise.
But she’s a politician. There’s a greater goal in it for her. Granted, that goal is power, which isn’t all that great a goal — but the cringeworthy, down-home aw-shucks manner, and the foundation of stupidity that it lies on, is a means to an end. There are those who use a similar means to a similar end; some of them are also idiots, and some of them are intelligent. Most of them are just more intelligent than that Alaskan deer-in-the-headlights / wolf-in-the-plane’s-spotlight / what-have-you.
On the other hand, you have Jonah Goldberg, whose idiocy is an end in itself. Sure, he’s enriching himself with his little Hitleriffic volume there, but the wingnut welfare was coming in no matter what he did. It’s an impressive display, a truly overwhelming achievement — that so little should be gained by saying so much.
I briefly thought about writing a parody of Goldberg when his book was unleashed, but I realised that it would be too much damned work, and once you realise that such idiocy is actually the product of such hard work and industry, you must simply stand back in awe and amazement.
So that’s why I endorse Mr Jonah Goldberg as Palme d’Haire winner, 2008.
January 3, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Upthread, re: Harry Reid: I wouldn’t waste my urine to piss in his face.
Well, I would.
January 4, 2009 at 7:23 am
What, no Camille Paglia nomination? I think she’s entitled to a special lifetime achievement award for wankery.
January 5, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Come on, it has to be Jonah. The guy’s picture should be next to the word in the OED. Sarah Palin is a moron, Harry Reid a wimp, Malkin a lunatic, etc., but Jonah Goldberg is a wanker’s wanker.
March 7, 2009 at 12:26 pm
DONT BLAME ME I VOTED CONSERVATIVE