February 2009

The GOP is off da hook like this:

and like this (starting at about 2:30 for those that lack patience):

So MC Black Steele kicked some knowledge at CPAC and his peeps gave him his props, yo:

[C]heck out this latest development in Steele’s campaignto create a hip-hop image for the GOP. Michele Bachmann praised Steele’s speech: “Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man.”

You be da man?  Cause dats how dem blacks be talkin to each other, and how white folks that is down can hang. It’s true.  I axed somebody.

But just in case you were doubting just how off-da-chain Reagraham Lincool is, Mitch McConnel drops science faster than a creationist in a bio class:

…[W]ho wants to hang out with guys like Paul Krugman and Robert Reich when you can be with Rush Limbaugh?

I’ll say this, Rush definitely has the better drugs.  So in a sense, yeah.  But only in the sense that certain insufferable pricks become momentarily sufferable if they’ve got the good gear.  I’ll do blow with Hitler if he’s got the uncut shit.

Meanwhile, one of the Neocon’s new Tween Idols, Hannah Continetta, is trolling for his own, non-drug addled (or black) heroes to save conservatism: 

Where to begin? Start with some exemplars of decency, professionalism, and ability. US Airways pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger III riveted the nation with his dramatic crash-landing into the Hudson River. -Sullenberger’s experience and stoicism meant that not a single life was lost during the dramatic and dangerous touch-down. It is no surprise that he has been lionized in the days since. When everything else seems to be crashing all around us, Sullenberger is a rock of common sense and soft-spoken modesty. Imagine–just imagine–if the men and women who represent us in Congress shared his character?

Um, well, let’s just say, conservative hero FAIL:

The air traffic controller who handled Flight 1549 thought ditching in the Hudson River amounted to a death sentence for all aboard. Now the veteran pilot who pulled off the ditching safely says harsh pay cuts are driving experienced pilots from the cockpit.

Sullenberger, a 58-year-old who joined a US Airways predecessor in 1980, told the House aviation subcommittee that his pay has been cut 40 percent in recent years and his pension has been terminated and replaced with a promise “worth pennies on the dollar” from the federally created Pension Benefit Guaranty Corp. These cuts followed a wave of airline bankruptcies after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks that were compounded by the current recession, he said.

The bankruptcies were used by some as a fishing expedition to get what they could not get in normal times,” Sullenberger said of the airlines. He said the problems began with the deregulation of the industry in the 1970s. [...]

Sullenberger’s copilot, Jeffrey B. Skiles, said that unless federal laws are revised to improve labor-management relations, “experienced crews in the cockpit will be a thing of the past.” And Sullenberger added that without experienced pilots “we will see negative consequences to the flying public.”

Oops, Sully’s pro-union and opposes Reagan’s glorious de-regulation.  Which I believe, in the parlance of our times, makes him a Socialist Marxist Terror Hitler. 

Poor, poor GOP.  It couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch of greed-addled, bigoted, sociopathic, lizard brains.  They’re stupid, and nobody likes them.  It’s not because they don’t have one of those trendy black hip-hopsters on their side to lure the kids into the Foley Mobile.  It’s not the media’s crusade against Sarah Palin, and it’s not because of mean ol’ Hollywood and its disinterest in Red Dawn Parts II-LXMVI.  And it’s definitely not because Republican marketers haven’t figured out what kind of bread goes best with a shit sandwich

It’s really just that shit doesn’t taste very good, even on brioche.   The gay-immigrant-Willie Horton-La Raza-Islamo breath mints just aren’t concealing the aftertaste like they used to.  Not when people are losing jobs, homes and 401(k)s in six figure increments.  Desperation has focused the collective American palate on the particularly noxious form of GOP governance that mixes rank incompetence, chronic war mongering and blatant moral hypocrisy together with an overriding class warfare fought on behalf of the super-ultra-filthy-haves.  What Bush described as his base.

It’s actually a neat racket  because its perpetrators can use the term “class warfare” as a cudgel against those that oppose their plans, even though they themselves are the initiators of a class-based agenda that involves crushing organized labor, cutting taxes for the insanely wealthy, opposing social security and health care (and any other program that eases the hardship on working people), privatizing everything, recklessly deregulating various industries in order to help polluters, bankers and other financial industry insiders reap windfall profits while people are poisoned and financial institutions collapse, etc. 

The results – predictably - suck balls for everyone but the top .5%.  The market crash (and banking crisis) has brought the facade of cards down to reveal the three card monte makers behind the scenes.

But still, the GOP is obsessed with gussying up the pig by finding that winning jingle, that killer 30-second spot, the right accoutrement for shit on rye.  So last night they went with the new “talent,” Bobby Jindal, to counter Obama. 

Similar to the belief that Sarah Palin would attract women voters because of the uteri in common, the GOP figured it could chisel in on Obama’s popularity by offering up their own melanin-enabled spokesperson.  As if it’s all a gimmick.

But what they don’t seem to grasp is that Hillary was popular with women voters because she was smart as a whip, offered a spate of desperately needed progressive policies like health care reform, and, importantly, she was not Bush or Bush’s champion.   Palin?  Not so much.

Similarly, Obama is a formidable intellect, shrewd politician and gifted orator who people believe will at least make some attempt to soften the rough edges of capitalism.   Jindal?  Let’s just say that  Ace of Fucking Spades is calling Jindal a “dork” after last night’s performance.  Being a dork relative to Ace is suicidewatchville.

Promoting Jindal under the pretense that “any ol’ ethnic’ll do” is equal parts patronizing, condescending and daft because, while Jindal is indisputably brown, he still sounded like Urkel - only without Urkel’s je ne sais quoi - reciting a laundry list of Bush/Cheney’s greatest hits.

It’s like the GOP is incorporating the worst aspects of the caricature of affirmative action that they’ve used to drum up resentment over the past few decades: promoting incompetent, untalented individuals based almost entirely on the color of their skin or their gender. 

Me? I’ll be having the delicious irony.  You dead-enders can enjoy your panini merda.

Immigrants are lazy, shifty, freeloaders who only come to our country to loaf about idly, taking advantage of our generous welfare programs.  Also, they’re stealing all our jobs.  Plus, Cadillacs.


Please, dear Reader, refresh my drug eviscerated memory: How many GOP governors was it, exactly, that refused even penny one of any of Bush’s many deficit exploding budgets?


Stunts are all they have left.  Cheap and hollow stunts.

Stunts, that is, and…a new black friend!  Whoah! Didn’t see that comin’ did you, you self congratulating Dems all contented with yourselves for electing a black prez?

Advantage, erased, because MC Black Steele is in charge of the RNC with his off da’ hook approach, oozing with all types of jiggy phat blingy, yo, in da hood type flava word up where hiz dogs at? type flow.  His street credometer surpasses even Camile Paglia’s (non X-rated) fantasy of Sarah Palin.  Behold, the era of street rapping steyelzzz at the RNC.

How long before Black Steele starts quoting Snoop Doggy Doo Doo

(Will Smith ringtone blaring)

Vegas just called: the over/under’s 6 months.  I’m taking bets in the comments.

Up-to-the-Date: Holy shiznit, this had already been prophesied

Update Don’t Call it a Comeback: Samantha Bee could totally have her way with me should she so choose and really, why wouldn’t she.  License granted.

This is pure, uncut Colombian white fun

Worth the price of admission.

This is so fucking tragic.

Blogger posts parody global warming denial video.  The Heartland Institute, the premier global warming denialist outfit, posts it – in all seriousness – on their website.  I don’t know whether to bawl or lawl.

Understand the position these people are in: 18 months after the fucking American Association of Petroleum Geologists gave up pretending there was any serious doubt about the issue, with “no remaining scientific body of national or international standing is known to reject the basic findings of human influence on recent climate“, they still have to put up something to justify their existence.  Gregg Easterbrook has given up.  Ron Bailey can’t go on … well, alright, obviously Ron Bailey can go on, but at least now he’s all super-defensive about it.  Alexander Cockburn is still manning the ramparts, but yeesh.  So, you take what you can get.  And what you can get is, mostly, abuse.  It’s quite sad, really.

So BoingBoing — in an effort to stave off the boredom caused by posting the same damn thing over and over again, presumably (it’s a japanese paper iPhone watch — made of unicorns! Today on BoingBoing Ocho.) asked noted b-list transhumanist Charles Platt to be a guestblogger. All good times, until Charles Platt unleashed the LATE NIGHT GLOBAL WARMING DENIALISM BLITZKREIG!

Witness: the great BoingBoing war of 2009:

In the crazy-ass denialist corner we have noted non-expert and science fiction author CHARLES PLATT! Aaaaaand he’s coming out strong:
Ker-flap! (oookay a little heavy on the self-published books by loons, Chuck, but I like your aggresion)
OH! And nobody expects the WHAP!

AND in this corner, wearing the NERD PURPLE trunks, we have noted non-expert and science fiction author CORY DOCTOROW with his UNDEFEATED RECORD on HIS OWN BLOG:

WHO WILL EMERGE TRIUMPHANT? Only Gregg Easterbrook knows for sure.

One thing’s for sure: it won’t be Bangladesh! Hahaheehoohahoohah, heh, woo.

Seriously, much as I’m irritated by global warming denialism, you have to kind of love Charles Platt’s tactical instincts. That man has played some Starshipfleet Battles, mark my words.

The decline of Western Civilization, scene 78,982: The Superbowl

Al Michaels plugging CNBC: The stock market is like fantasy football TIMES A HUNDRED!!!1   That is literally a quote, including the exclaimation one. Followed by a thousand ads where a talking baby urges you to take responsibility for your financial future by throwing your life savings at some stocks you Googled based on an ad you saw at the Superbowl.  Meanwhile, you can’t bet on the Superbowl, because you might lose your investment.  

The game was definitely as good as any game featuring the Cardinals could possibly be.  The Steelers deserved the win, although their fans deserve a creeping rash and an internets-approved stock portfolio.  Fuck Steeler fans, fuck their fucking towels, fuck the city of Pittsburgh, the state of Pennsylvania, carbon-iron alloys, and the colors yellow and and black, but if you don’t like the way the Steelers play football, you don’t like the game.  I would take Ward, Polamalu, Ryan Clark, or any of the linebackers in a minute, and so would you, so shut the fuck up.

Ben Roethlisberger you can keep, because his game? SO UGLY.  You know how Michael Vick would gracefully sidestep defenders, glide outside the pocket, and then effortlessly deliver a perfect strike thirty feet over the head of a triple-covered receiver?  And then go torture the shit out of animals and laugh and laugh and laugh?  Roethlisberger is the opposite of that.  He bumbles around defenders like an old man looking for his glasses, stumbles out of the pocket like it was a dive bar at closing time, and then completes a pass to whoever while I’m off getting a beer because I can’t watch that Vaudeville crap anymore.  So, he’s won two Superbowls, which is very nice for him, and I’m sure he’s a very nice young man, but he’ll never be a great quarterback because I have to Google his name to make sure I’m spelling it right which is probably why I am not a millionaire like that talking baby.  All truly great quarterbacks have names which are easy to spell.   Montana. Elway.  Unitas.  Starr.  All of them.

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