The decline of Western Civilization, scene 78,982: The Superbowl
Al Michaels plugging CNBC: The stock market is like fantasy football TIMES A HUNDRED!!!1 That is literally a quote, including the exclaimation one. Followed by a thousand ads where a talking baby urges you to take responsibility for your financial future by throwing your life savings at some stocks you Googled based on an ad you saw at the Superbowl. Meanwhile, you can’t bet on the Superbowl, because you might lose your investment.
The game was definitely as good as any game featuring the Cardinals could possibly be. The Steelers deserved the win, although their fans deserve a creeping rash and an internets-approved stock portfolio. Fuck Steeler fans, fuck their fucking towels, fuck the city of Pittsburgh, the state of Pennsylvania, carbon-iron alloys, and the colors yellow and and black, but if you don’t like the way the Steelers play football, you don’t like the game. I would take Ward, Polamalu, Ryan Clark, or any of the linebackers in a minute, and so would you, so shut the fuck up.
Ben Roethlisberger you can keep, because his game? SO UGLY. You know how Michael Vick would gracefully sidestep defenders, glide outside the pocket, and then effortlessly deliver a perfect strike thirty feet over the head of a triple-covered receiver? And then go torture the shit out of animals and laugh and laugh and laugh? Roethlisberger is the opposite of that. He bumbles around defenders like an old man looking for his glasses, stumbles out of the pocket like it was a dive bar at closing time, and then completes a pass to whoever while I’m off getting a beer because I can’t watch that Vaudeville crap anymore. So, he’s won two Superbowls, which is very nice for him, and I’m sure he’s a very nice young man, but he’ll never be a great quarterback because I have to Google his name to make sure I’m spelling it right which is probably why I am not a millionaire like that talking baby. All truly great quarterbacks have names which are easy to spell. Montana. Elway. Unitas. Starr. All of them.
February 3, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Where’s your tuck rule now, NFL? Where’s your tuck rule now?!^!
Guess Warner isn’t as pretty as Brady, and therefore doesn’t get that call.
February 3, 2009 at 7:49 pm
And yet, six.
P.S. – Black and GOLD. Yellow is for pussies.
P. P. S. – Only one “and” needed there, by the way.
P.P.P.S. – better luck next season, kid.
February 3, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Jeebus, could Arizona have stopped choking long enough to play one full down without a friggin penalty? Michael Jackson would have gotten less flags.
February 3, 2009 at 8:14 pm
It’s really very simple – there’s even a rhyme:
O after E except before T.
February 3, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Call it yellow and black, black and gold, whatever you like, the fact remains the Bruins are the shit. Oh right, the Steelers are good too, I didn’t think Big Ben had it in him.
It’s not a tuck because Warner got stripped and not swatted in the head like Tommy Boy, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
February 3, 2009 at 9:23 pm
what, you lose a bet?
February 3, 2009 at 10:21 pm
Sort of. I have a 401k.
February 3, 2009 at 10:46 pm
I noticed that you wrote “and” twice in the phrase…
…almost as if you were stuttering or had a hard time getting that phrase out. Is it because you don’t want to appear racist in front of your other liberal friends for saying the phrase “fuck the color black?”
I think we’re nearing a breakthrough here.
February 4, 2009 at 12:25 am
I would love to see ballet become a major spectator sport and listen to us rip the dancers by name.
February 4, 2009 at 12:29 am
You must have been watching a different Michael Vick. The one I remember would have fumbled long before he had the chance to wildly miss his receiver.
February 4, 2009 at 12:46 am
If I might interject, I think it is worth noting that football is nothing but rugby for sissies.
February 4, 2009 at 2:27 am
“Fuck Steeler fans, fuck their fucking towels, fuck the city of Pittsburgh, the state of Pennsylvania, carbon-iron alloys, and the colors yellow and and black…”
Task, tsk. Methinks envy colors your thinking.
February 4, 2009 at 3:30 am
there, there.
February 4, 2009 at 6:55 am
I hope the Pats took video. Studying it will give them something to do until next season.
February 4, 2009 at 8:30 am
The thing I hate about the E*Trade baby? The spit-up commercial.
Not funny, especially not to any woman who’s ever had occasion to pick up her baby in a business suit.
When she’s late for a major appointment.
Actually, I know it’s funny to the bodily-effluent-is-ALWAYS-funny crowd. But. Come the hell ON.
February 4, 2009 at 8:54 am
“…a thousand ads…”
It ran exactly once.
Touchy, touchy…
February 4, 2009 at 9:33 am
The Editors Says:
February 3, 2009 at 10:21 pm
what, you lose a bet?
Sort of. I have a 401k.
—
Well, you *had* a 401K
And by the way, Young and Fouts should be on that short list of easy to spell greats.
February 4, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I have to say, I agree. Ben will never be as good as Thom Breydey.
February 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Who knew a mere infant could be such an annoying douchebag? Talk about precocious!
February 4, 2009 at 4:45 pm
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/football/nfl/01/30/obama.steelers.ap/index.html
But that was your point, I am sure…
February 4, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Mike Vick and his little fucking elf hands.
Ben is buying time because Ben can’t make his reads. So he runs around like an asshole taking hits. He’s a meat bag, but what the hell?
Big Ben Smash!
February 4, 2009 at 5:32 pm
With Mike’s little Dave Krieg hands.
February 4, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Herr Dr. Prof. @11 is, as ever, dead right on the subject.
Mind you, American football can produce beautiful and amazing plays (and did so at least three times during the recent “Super Bowl”). Still, I hesitate to call it a game, because those plays, stylin’ though they be, don’t really string together into a flowing unity, do they? Perhaps the six or seven hours of dead time between them contributes to that.
I quite enjoyed your “Super Bowl”, at least the parts I managed to stay awake for (first half plus last five minutes of the second). But I am glad we now have all that behind us for another year, and look forward to the return of the 15-man code this Saturday, when I shall watch Germany lose (almost certainly, alas) to Georgia live, then watch Ireland lose (almost certainly, alas) to France on the electric television.
February 5, 2009 at 8:56 am
Wasn’t the ‘e-trade baby’ dissing his black bud, too? WTF was up with THAT?
February 5, 2009 at 9:29 am
“All truly great quarterbacks have names which are easy to spell.”
OK, Editors, but that leaves a question unanswered. How do you feel about Brett Favre?
February 5, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Dude, large numbers of the Wester PA populace trace their ancestry to Eastern Europe and their alphabet to Cryllic. Vowels are optional, about every third consonant is silent, and the letter ‘c’ is a pronunciation wild card.
For us, spelling Roethlisberger IS easy.
Also: Six!
February 5, 2009 at 5:57 pm
“Western” is always tough, though, what with the non-silent final consonant.
February 5, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I forgot o mention hat every ifth cononant disapears.
March 7, 2009 at 10:47 am
Just two words for you buddy…
FUCK YOU!!!!
January 30, 2010 at 5:58 am
I HATE THE ETRADE BABY I WANT TO RUN ITS HEAD OVER WITH MY TRUCK