The decline of Western Civilization, scene 78,982: The Superbowl
Al Michaels plugging CNBC: The stock market is like fantasy football TIMES A HUNDRED!!!1 That is literally a quote, including the exclaimation one. Followed by a thousand ads where a talking baby urges you to take responsibility for your financial future by throwing your life savings at some stocks you Googled based on an ad you saw at the Superbowl. Meanwhile, you can’t bet on the Superbowl, because you might lose your investment.
The game was definitely as good as any game featuring the Cardinals could possibly be. The Steelers deserved the win, although their fans deserve a creeping rash and an internets-approved stock portfolio. Fuck Steeler fans, fuck their fucking towels, fuck the city of Pittsburgh, the state of Pennsylvania, carbon-iron alloys, and the colors yellow and and black, but if you don’t like the way the Steelers play football, you don’t like the game. I would take Ward, Polamalu, Ryan Clark, or any of the linebackers in a minute, and so would you, so shut the fuck up.
Ben Roethlisberger you can keep, because his game? SO UGLY. You know how Michael Vick would gracefully sidestep defenders, glide outside the pocket, and then effortlessly deliver a perfect strike thirty feet over the head of a triple-covered receiver? And then go torture the shit out of animals and laugh and laugh and laugh? Roethlisberger is the opposite of that. He bumbles around defenders like an old man looking for his glasses, stumbles out of the pocket like it was a dive bar at closing time, and then completes a pass to whoever while I’m off getting a beer because I can’t watch that Vaudeville crap anymore. So, he’s won two Superbowls, which is very nice for him, and I’m sure he’s a very nice young man, but he’ll never be a great quarterback because I have to Google his name to make sure I’m spelling it right which is probably why I am not a millionaire like that talking baby. All truly great quarterbacks have names which are easy to spell. Montana. Elway. Unitas. Starr. All of them.