90-6. Ugh. Michael Steele is retarded, all right - retarded like a fox.
Ugh.
Now the Dutch are making fun of us. That’s real nice. I really like that. People who dance through tulips in little wooden shoes think we’re pussies. Wonderful. Although, in out defense, terrorists are super scary. They may not have “tanks” or “command and control” or any modern state apparatus like the Serbs had, and your average cub scout could drink them all under the table, but they have a super weapon we’ve never faced before: really big beards. And not just beards: they have mustaches, too. Plus, I hear they believe in magic and that their actions are directed by a magical being who also has a very large beard. So we’re not just facing beards of hair and beard wax and little bits of old food – we’re facing beards of the soul. That’s really formidible, like an invincible army of homeless people, only less organized. We better throw away the Constitution over that and piss our panties in fear if we ever hope to defeat this super enemy which is scarier than everything combined EVAR.
May 22, 2009 at 11:22 am
Harry Reid is great.
May 22, 2009 at 11:58 am
Toally.
May 22, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Well the Dutch do have ‘Dutch courage’, ahem…
I believe they call it ‘Genever’.
Not to mention Groelsch.
Oh yeah, and good chocolate.
And cheese.
And coffee.
And peanut butter.
So they are all set up, as it were, with the real necessities of life.
May 22, 2009 at 12:30 pm
And coffee houses that serve a different thing besides coffee.
Yup, the bare necessities of human existence are guaranteed there.
May 22, 2009 at 2:10 pm
And they always pay for their own meals.
May 22, 2009 at 12:47 pm
So the international beard festival and World champeenships are being held AS WE SPEAK in Anchorage, ALaska (which I see uses its own flag instead of the flag of the USA — hmmm secessionist Alaskans?) and YET Sarah Palin is NOT welcoming them? … maybe she IS ALREADY FULLY AWARE of the diabolical and nefarious hirsute countenance conspiracy theory you have just enunciated, Mr the Editors?
May 22, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Dude, leave me out of this.
May 22, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Terrorists often have beards. Just sayin’.
May 22, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Soul Beards. That was a Sting album, wasn’t it?
May 22, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Aw, c’mon, y’all: politics still applies, and while underestimating the stupidity of Congress makes for a swell bet overall, it doesn’t *always* cash a net profit at the payout window.
Right now we are witnessing one of the greatest games ever seen of head feints from the White House down through Congress with considerable side-line action by the assistant coaches in the Pentagon and other organs of government.
If one were to bet on stupidity and win more than one loses, then this would be one of those miraculous milieus in which the stupidity of the people far outweighs that of the Congress.
The People, you see, totally exhausted their communal mind strength in managing to elect a soon-to-be overwhelming Democratic majority.
They be exhausted and needing some nitrous oxide.
Don’t we all?
As for beards: one collective moon by all the bald-headed hirsutely-tushied 40-ish American males would send all them bearded terrorists crying to their imams.
I, for example, have my buttocks tattooed with a spider’s web centering upon my sphincter in which can be seen the red glowing eyes of Shelob.
Don’t *make* me bare my buttocks, Dutchies. That why God gave y’all Two-lips.
May 22, 2009 at 2:41 pm
BTW, din’t you mean misunderestimating the ‘mercan people/Congress?
May 22, 2009 at 4:19 pm
I’ve been getting my wisdom teeth pulled this month. The first tooth had a hooked nerve root, so the dentist had to take 120 minutes when it usually takes Ned 30 minutes to take out all four. I woke up. Ned says this was his toughest extraction he’s ever had. It’s note even infected and it hurts like a little man is dancing on my teeth jabbing a 20 gauge needle into my gums 24/7 for like 7 days. The pain laughs at pain medication. It’s actually healing well, but no doubt dental pain is a very special angry pain. I am ready to confess. Hear are the plans. Three more to go, next in three weeks. The older you, are plus if you have crazy roots, he has to get in there with a scalpel. Forget it. I woke up in Satan’s vagina.
May 22, 2009 at 5:08 pm
I am Satan’s Vagina. You hurt, you fucker, you HURT! Get outta me! Pulleeze! I’ll give your family a lifetime’s pass from Hell’s Theme Parks if you’ll STOP!!!!
May 22, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I feel like I’m being slowly digested in the belly of a dagger toothed sand worm. I surrender. It does heal, and feels better every day. That’s the good news about vascular tissue, it gets better. The dental surgery diet is great for shedding a few unwanted desire to eat food and I’m sure take smoking off the menu. Can I attach the nicoderm patch to my penis? what?
May 22, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Nice Beard link.
My New Year Resolution was to quit shaving and quit wearing panty hose.
Always got a skewed look from the sarcastic impaired.
I used the competition page as a feint to my true needs.
I was tired of shaving.
You, too, can use it as a legit way to grow a big, bushy one.
Just show your boss the link to the competition and with a few follow up comments, management will be off your ass.
By Thanksgiving everyone will want you to be Santa at their party.
You do have to practice though.
It’s not Heh! Heh! Heh!
It’s ‘Ho, ‘Ho, ‘Ho!
.
May 22, 2009 at 4:28 pm
The dutch have fun names, just ask Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink.
May 22, 2009 at 5:10 pm
It ain’t Netherlandish, but still, cool name:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defenestrations_of_Prague
May 22, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I did not know that.
http://baheyeldin.com/writings/culture/how-the-dutch-got-their-funny-names.html
May 22, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Spring in t Veld (Jump in the Field)
I so read that as Dump in the Field.
May 22, 2009 at 5:15 pm
‘Can I attach the nicoderm patch to my penis? what?”
If I was queer, I’d say: SMOKIN’!
But I ain’t, so I just say: quit while you’ve got no choice. I can think of no better way to bust an addiction as pernicious as tobacco.
May 22, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Kleber, I had two partially-erupted wisdom teeth out a few years ago, at age 42, so I can relate. I woke during the surgery, too, in time to feel and hear one tooth break under his pliers, after which he cut. Didn’t really hurt, was like a Fellini dream sequence, sorta like David’s “Is this real life?….Yeah….The dentist..” Nothing nearly so bad as your 2 hour one, shit, man. But one root was so deep the surgeon was worried I’d break my jaw if I bit into anything, so I had to go on all soft food for 3 months, which completely sucked. I’d say it was good practice for the coming old folks home.
And you forgot your hammer:
May 23, 2009 at 3:20 am
Holy shit.
May 23, 2009 at 12:15 am
As to that David-after-the-dentist video, where exactly does he have to go from here? His teenaged experiments will be one anticlimax after another. You think you didn’t feel anything the first time you smoked pot?
May 23, 2009 at 3:21 am
You can’t transform from a caterpillar into a butterfly without..no it sucks.
May 23, 2009 at 10:57 am
[...] Lord knows, I’ve been getting progressively more disillusioned with Barack Obama, but we can’t blame him for this fiasco. Nope, this one’s all on the Senate Democrats: [...]
May 23, 2009 at 6:29 pm
May 23, 2009 at 6:30 pm
This is a metaphor for the ‘Nam.
May 24, 2009 at 1:04 am
I am glad you mentioned beards.
The Kabbalah has a lot to say about beards, which I shall now proceed to quote. There is much, much more of these beard-related activities, but the following should be enough to convince you that the terrorists are hopelessly out-classed in the beard department. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
Ahem [Clears throat]:
CONCERNING THE BEARD OF MACROPROSOPUS IN GENERAL.
209. RABBI SCHIMEON began, and said: Woe unto him who extendeth his hand unto that most glorious supernal beard of the Holy Ancient One, the concealed of all.
210. This is the praise of that beard; the beard which is concealed and most precious in all its dispositions; the beard which neither the superiors nor the inferiors have known; the beard which is the praise of all praise; the beard to which neither man, nor prophet, nor saint hath approached so as to behold it.
211. The beard, whose hairs hang down even unto the breast, white as snow; the adornment of adornments, the concealment of concealments, the truth of all truths.
212. It is said in the “Book of Concealed Mystery”: That beard, the truth of all (truths), proceedeth from the place of the ears, and descendeth around the mouth of the Holy One; arid descendeth and ascendeth, covering (the cheeks which it calleth) the places of copious fragrance; (it is) white with ornament: and it descendeth in the equilibrium (of balanced power), and furnisheth a covering even unto the midst of the breast.
213. That is the beard of adornment, true and perfect, from the which flow down thirteen fountains, scattering the most precious balm of splendour.
214. This is disposed in thirteen forms.
215. In the first disposition are classed the hairs from above, and it commenceth from that portion of the hair of His head which is above His ears; and descendeth in one tress before the apertures of the ears in the most perfect equilibrium, even unto the corner of the mouth.
216. In the second disposition are classed the hairs from the comer of the mouth, and they ascend even unto the other corner of the mouth in perfectly equated order.
217. The third disposition is from midway between the nostrils; beneath those two apertures there goeth forth a certain path, and the hair is wanting in that path; but on either side of and bordering that path it is fuller and in perfect order.
218. The hairs which are classed under the fourth disposition descend below the mouth from the one corner even unto the other comer, in perfect order.
219. The fifth disposition. Beneath the mouth proceedeth another path, from the region of the superior path, and those two paths are impressed on His mouth on this side and on that.
220. The hairs which are classed in the sixth disposition ascend and come from beneath upwards unto the corner of the mouth, and cover the places of copious fragrance, even unto the upper corner of the mouth, and the hair descendeth at the corner of the opening, and across below the mouth.
221. In the seventh disposition the hair terminateth, and there are seen two apples in the places of copious fragrance, beautiful and joyful in aspect, because (in that aspect) is the universe maintained. And this is that which is said, Prov. xvi. 16: “In the light of the king’s countenance is life.”
222. In the eighth disposition a certain tress of hair proceedeth round about the beard, and (the hairs) hang down equilibrated even unto the chest.
223. In the ninth disposition the hairs of the beard are interwoven and mingled with those hairs which hang in equilibrium; which hang even thus, so that none is preeminent over another.
224. In the tenth disposition the hairs descend beneath the beard, and cover the throat beneath the beard.
225. The eleventh disposition is, that no hairs are preeminent over other hairs, and they are restored into perfect proportion.
226. The twelfth disposition is that the hairs do not hang over the mouth, and that the mouth is uncovered in every part, and that the hair surrounding it is beautiful.
227. The thirteenth disposition is that the hairs hang down on this side and on that beneath the beard, furnishing a covering in beautiful adornment, even unto the chest.
228. Nothing is seen of the whole countenance and of the places of fragrance, except those beautiful white apples which produce the life of the universe; and they radiate gladness upon Microprosopus.
[Collapses, exhausted]
May 24, 2009 at 2:06 am
Holy Fuck.
May 24, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Maybe too thoughtful.
“and cover the places of copious fragrance”
Try scope.
May 24, 2009 at 7:55 pm
You really ARE a doktor, herr bimmler.
My beard grew nose hairs reading your most exquisite translation of my favorite Fear Factor pilot script.
May 26, 2009 at 2:12 pm
I’m totally going to worship apple-beard-disposition Creator next time around.
May 24, 2009 at 3:49 pm
..they radiate gladness upon Microprosopus
and K.C. Gillette (and is Microprosopus the little brother of Macroprosopus?)
May 24, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I think the relationship between them is more of the nature of son and father.
May 24, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Had the pleasure of landing on the Beard Championships site(s) some months back. ‘Tis there I found my favorite band:
http://www.myspace.com/thebeardsclub
Have a listen, if you’ve got the whiskers…
May 25, 2009 at 8:08 am
Behold I Am Rabbi
May 25, 2009 at 8:11 am
Oh… google tells me you really weren’t making that up. And here I thought I had some competition in the religiously delusional prose area.
Now I’m scared. Will I have to marry my brother’s wife? Or walk his dog?
May 25, 2009 at 12:02 pm
Not for the first time we wonder what life with Bimmler must be like.
May 25, 2009 at 12:58 pm
“… at this time the administration has not yet forwarded a coherent plan …”
May 25, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Thanks, herr doktor bimler!
Can you give us a little more detail?
May 25, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Always leave the audience wanting a little bit more.
May 26, 2009 at 7:47 am
How about our money back then?
May 26, 2009 at 8:43 am
Maybe this is just a clever joke-within-a-joke about stupidity, but the relevant quotation is “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the _intelligence_ of the American public.” Or, conversely, the way you’ve formed it, it should be “Nobody ever went broke _overstimating_ the _stupidity_ of the American public.” The way it’s formed in the title implies that the American people/congress are, in fact, very clever, which is not, I suspect, what you meant to imply.
May 27, 2009 at 10:31 am
I not clever!
December 29, 2009 at 4:48 pm
[...] with Barack Obama, but we can’t blame him for this fiasco. Nope, this one’s all on the Senate Democrats: Now the Dutch are making fun of us. That’s real nice. I really like that. People who dance [...]