Shorter Jonah Goldumbass:
By refusing to thrust himself into the spotlight which would hurt the cause of the Iranians protesting the election, Obama is making it all about himself. Plus, he’s hurting the cause of the Iranian protesters.
Bonus Goldbraindead from the same column:
Labor unions are essential for the growth of democracy and therefore Obama and the Democrats should support their efforts everywhere. Except in the United States.
National. Embarassment.
June 16, 2009 at 2:58 pm
At this point Jonah ceases to be merely a national embarrassment and becomes and international one.
June 21, 2009 at 8:40 am
I was expecting your comment to say…” (he) becomes an internal one…” (embarassament), in that his comments are internally inconsistent within the space of a single sentence.
Oh well…jonah is home-schooled you know.
June 16, 2009 at 3:03 pm
universal?
June 17, 2009 at 6:03 am
Apochriphal Einstein: “there are two things that I know are infinite: the universe and stupidity. And I’m not sure about the universe.”
But blaming the universe for the existance of a Jonahesque black-hole of stupidity (massive, devours all cheetos within its gravitational range, emits only random incoherent bursts of noise as the cheetos are devoured)….well that sure does seem like blaming the victim here.
No, Jonah stands large, as a demonstration at even the -10 sigma end of the IQ distribution can get a job at the LA Times. That should give hope to sessile molluscs everwhere, while us primates just shake our heads.
June 21, 2009 at 8:51 am
I thought Snarki was King of the Dolphins?
As far as I knew the only children Loki had with Angrboda was Hel, Fenrir and Jormungand.
June 16, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Y’know, there are a lot of people as stupid as Goldberg, but they don’t get printed and reprinted and quoted, and Goldberg does. Why? This is the mystery. Someday soon he will choke to death trying to eat a whole roasted ox and we will be free, but until then what a price we will pay.
June 20, 2009 at 10:53 am
I like to see a man with a dream. You gotta have a dream. If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?
June 16, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Why? Because he’s a Republican. Has to be the easiest job in America.
Write neo-fascist bullshit and when the Corporate Media ask you about it, you lie with a straight face and never admit you’re wrong. The results are no accountability and big bucks.
June 16, 2009 at 7:31 pm
We should be grateful for Lucianne, Jr. Hopefully he will continue to rise in stature as a voice for conservatism. All of this assumes, of course, that ultimately the majority of Americans will (continue to) reject abject stupidity, and therefore may be completely wrong.
June 16, 2009 at 7:40 pm
Jonah is one of the leading intellectual lights of the conservative movement. And thank FSM for that.
June 21, 2009 at 9:03 am
Connie serves Bob Flying Spaghetti Monster for dinner along with toasty garlic bread, a crisp salad, some nice gellato, all washed down with chilled Barbaresco.
June 16, 2009 at 7:48 pm
omg
June 17, 2009 at 6:57 am
I thought the shorter Jonah Goldberg was always:
“Fap fap fap fap fap….”
June 17, 2009 at 7:22 am
That is an acceptable answer, and you will get full credit for it
June 17, 2009 at 7:24 am
@Jennifer: Jonah never lasts for more than three faps.
June 17, 2009 at 9:05 am
Upon further review, partial credit.
June 17, 2009 at 8:46 am
Please, stop! It’s just embarrasing to hominids!
But while we’re on the subject, is it true that your mass approaches infinite and your length approaches zero if you get close to the stupidity of Jonah?
June 21, 2009 at 8:20 am
Well, my length would certainly begin to approach zero were I to begin to get close to his Dumbosity.
June 17, 2009 at 9:31 am
I followed the link to the article, and couldn’t find those quotes anywhere. What gives?
June 17, 2009 at 9:51 am
mds: you are clearly not Aware of all Internet Traditions.
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/I_am_aware_of_all_internet_traditions
June 18, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Celebrations of the first anniversary of IAAOAIT Day need to be LESS SUBTLE.
June 17, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I know this is not just blasphemous but eschatologically horrendificous, but… sometimes I think that Jonah isn’t as dumb as he sounds but smart enough to sound as dumb as the doofyass mouth-breathing palm-shavers who enjopy and believe the rot he writes.
Like he’s intellectual catnip for John Galoid teabaggers, the thinking man’s Keifer Sutherland , a man not smart enough to write valid political thought that actually addresses the problems it mentions, but is smart enough to the diaper brigade in some plunger fest victory parade.
Ooh! Ooh! I wanna drive the septic tank!
June 18, 2009 at 2:14 pm
that’s more properly speeled ‘doofus’
Get it right, you.
June 18, 2009 at 4:05 pm
As in doofus as we doofus unto others?
You fill me with jopy.
June 17, 2009 at 6:33 pm
ahem: LEAD the diaper brigade…
June 17, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Having just now actually read das Whale’s article (I use the word ‘read’ in this instance with some reservations.)
Obama to Jonah: “Dude, if you’d get your nose out of my ass you’d find I don’t smell as bad as you say. Whatever.”
June 17, 2009 at 6:47 pm
“But the new American colossus stands all but silent, her beacon dimmed, her luster tarnished.”
I suppose, in sad fact I know, there is a market for jejune bloviation like this. Did Jonah study under Spiro Agnew’s speechwriters?
June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm
So the new colossus has a beacon, albeit dimmed? OK, it’s a lighthouse… a conflation of the original Colossus of Rhodes with the Alexandrian Pharos. But wait, it’s also all but silent. Is it supposed to make a noise? I was not aware that the design included a foghorn. This all sounds suspiciously anachronistic.
June 18, 2009 at 4:08 pm
The lighthouse cylinder is wrapped with a spiral magnifying horn attached to a bronze toilet with Joanh’s initials.
It was levitated into place by beings of pure light from the von Daniken system, whose power resides in their invisible umlauts.
June 18, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Some of you may remember von Daniken’s book, Chamber Pots of the Gods?
June 18, 2009 at 8:38 am
mds: you are clearly not Aware of all Internet Traditions.
Yeah, I was even going to add “Sincerely, Unaware of All Internet Traditions,” but decided that would be stepping on my own joke. Still, it’s always nice to be directed to the Foundation’s Encyclopedia Dramatica.
June 20, 2009 at 10:18 am
“We’re all Georgians now”
June 20, 2009 at 1:15 pm
The new American colossus stands all but silent except for the fart noises and the giggling. Always with the farting and then the giggling.
It’s our contribution to world history.
June 20, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Mistakes were made. The lustre of the new American colossus was tarnished.
I was just thinking what a bad idea it would be to remake Colossus: Teh Forbin Project, but it turns out that the movie industry is even better at dreaming up really shite ideas than I am:
June 20, 2009 at 5:53 pm
Ron Howard was a perfect choice as director though. A better turd polisher would be hard to find.
June 21, 2009 at 9:13 am
“By refusing to thrust himself into the spotlight which would hurt the cause of the Iranians protesting the election, Obama is making it all about himself.”
That doesn’t make any sense. How does refusing to put one’s self in the spotlight make it all about one’s self? It seems just the opposite to me.
Also, isn’t Goldberg also saying that if Obama thrust ‘himself into the spotlight’ it would hurt the cause?
Maybe Goldberg understands what he’s trying to say. The sad thing is that he gets paid to say it.
June 21, 2009 at 10:40 am
That doesn’t make any sense. How does refusing to put one’s self in the spotlight make it all about one’s self? It seems just the opposite to me.
Indeed, this is central to his point.
~
June 21, 2009 at 12:36 pm
This seems like an appropriate forum to Youtube-whore my, as it were, Magnum Pantload:
Jonah Jonah, a very serious, thoughtful video that has never been made in such detail, or with such care.
June 22, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Wow. That was just like Prospero’s Books, only with Jonah instead of Sir John Gielgud.
June 23, 2009 at 9:25 pm
“such with care”
This refers, I assume, to Jonah’s proposed alternative to a social safety net, i.e., fishnet spandex condoms?
June 21, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Everyone around Doughy is telling him what elegant, luxurious and expensive clothes he’s wearing! He knows how envious everyone is of his mink lined jacket, embroidered silken shirt, his golden trousers with platinum chain-belt, his bejeweled yet manly cowboy-boots, and most of all his fabulous propeller hat that really can lift him above the mob, giving him a brilliantly unique perspective on all things that have happened and will happen.
He’ll never admit there are no clothes, that he actually looks like a Pillsbury™ mascot.
June 23, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Ancient, early 60s Stan Freberg song parody of C’est ci Bon has this awesome line:
“…mink sweatshirts…”
June 26, 2009 at 4:35 am
Wait that youtube clip stops just before it gets the the relevant point about sarcasm.
I actually never saw the first part of the skit which is, of course, wonderful, but to fit the post you really need to get a different youtube video such as p Brothers part II