And I have to respect His decisions in these matters.
I never particularly liked Michael Jackson. I’m not being a music snob – I own enough Rush albums to choke Geddy Lee’s shnozz, if that makes this any easier to take – I just never liked it. But I didn’t like his music in 2nd grade – I was more of an El DeBarge man, if you must know – and I don’t like it now, and while he may not have been a child molestor, yes he was. But now he’s gone, and now we’ll never cure cancer. Or something. I’m sure there’s some reason why, two weeks after he floated to his reward on a pillowy cloud of lab-grade pharmacuticals, everything is a tribute to Him, the Greatest Human Ever To Live. So, fuck him, fuck that 70′s chick with all the hair, that guy who isn’t Donovan McNabb, that dude from that one old cop show, and everyone who brings any of this up, including me, and let’s hope Madonna’s next.
When Neal Peart dies I’m going to light myself on fire. In a spinning, strobe lit drum kit 50 feet above the stage. Tickets go on sale now. Post here if you have any good Dead Michael Jackson jokes, or if you have his doctor’s phone number.
July 7, 2009 at 8:17 pm
“The chair is not my son.”
July 8, 2009 at 10:57 am
Fucking hell. Hiram Bullock died last year, and nobody told me.
(In case this makes no sense, “The chair is not my son” is a Paul Shaffer gag from the early days of Letterman when Billy Jean was a hit. Hiram Bullock was the original guitarist in the band.)
July 7, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Michael Jackson has tons of video, so it’s a free ride for TV, and that is what really make someone important, and of interest.
July 7, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Done and done:
http://tbogg.firedoglake.com/2009/06/26/while-we-wait-for-the-autopsy-report/
July 7, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Farrah Fawcett dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “Since you’ve had such an impact on the world, I will grant you one wish.” Farrah says, “Save the children”…
July 8, 2009 at 12:44 am
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both leave little boys’ bedrooms with empty sacks.
Merry Christmas!
July 8, 2009 at 12:45 am
Q: What’s got 8 legs and doesn’t rape children?
A: The Jackson 4.
July 8, 2009 at 12:47 am
Michael Jackson meets a young boy while walking around Neverland Ranch.”would you like to see some magic”,asks Michael.”Sure”,says the lad.”Well for this trick you need to turn around,drop your pants and bend over”,says Michael.
So the lad turns around,drops his pants and bends over. Michael stands behind him and asks,”can you feel my finger going up your ass?”.”I can”,replies the lad.
Michael then waves both hands in front of the lad and shouts “MAGIC”…….
July 8, 2009 at 12:50 am
Q: Why did Michael Jackson check into the rehab clinic?
A: To cure his 10 year old crack habit.
July 8, 2009 at 12:51 am
Q: How do you know when it’s bedtime in Michael Jackson’s house?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
July 8, 2009 at 12:52 am
Michael Jackson, the Pope and a bunch of kids are on a plane.
Suddenly the plane becomes out of control and is on course to crash.
“Here, there are two parachutes,” said the Pope.
“What about the kids?” replied Jacko.
“Fuck the kids,” said the Pope.
To this, Jacko said, “Have we got time?”
July 8, 2009 at 12:54 am
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:- “Doctor, how long before we can have sex?”
The doctor replies, “I’d wait until he’s at least 14.”
July 8, 2009 at 12:59 am
Q: Why is Michael Jackson always late for work?
A: Because he likes to come in a little behind.
July 8, 2009 at 1:00 am
Q: What’s the difference between Casper and Michael Jackson?
A: One is pale and scares little kids, and the other is a cartoon ghost.
July 8, 2009 at 1:01 am
Q: Why did Michael Jackson stop having sex with cub scouts?
A; He was up to a pack a day
July 8, 2009 at 1:07 am
Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since Home Alone 2
July 8, 2009 at 1:08 am
Q: What was Michael Jackson’s last hit?
A: The floor
July 8, 2009 at 1:15 am
Q: What’s brown and often found in children’s underpants?
A: Michael Jackson’s hand.
July 8, 2009 at 3:20 am
Why did Michael Jackson prefer twenty-five year olds?
Nineteen was never enough.
July 8, 2009 at 3:41 am
At last, sentiments about dead celebrities that I can agree with! Each of those folks’ deaths warranted two sentences of coverage on the news: “Celebrity X has died today at the age of Y. Our condolences to his family and friends.” That’s it. Extended coverage on Entertainment Tonight for grieving fans, sure. But GET MJ OFF THE NEWS!
All I’ve been thinking of for the last week is the old Chevy Chase bit when he did the fake news on SNL. Nearly every broadcast, at some point he’d say, “This just in: Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.” We get it. Michael Jackson is still dead, boo hoo hoo.
July 8, 2009 at 5:59 am
Oh, that’s it: a two-week festival of middle-aged people celebrating mindless consumer choices they made before puberty.
Listen, just be glad you weren’t old enough to be subjected to The Jackson Five and the utter degradation of Motown (which was simultaneously fighting to keep Marvin Gaye from releasing “What’s Goin’ On”) that represented. No fucking nine-year-old can sing. That one can occasionally be found who can stay within two flats of the key is not an excuse for a record contract.
July 8, 2009 at 11:17 am
No fucking nine-year-old can sing.
I don’t believe he was doing much fucking at that point, but you never know.
July 8, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Wrong and wrong. The J5 represented the last flowering of the Motown hit factory before everybody got pretentious and serious and wanted “to be artists”. Fine, it worked out for Marvin Gaye for 2 albums and Stevie Wonder for most of the 70′s, but you’re not going to seriously claim greatness for Eddie Kendrick’s solo stuff are you?
As for your absurd claim that “no nine-year-old can sing”, try telling that to the leader of any church choir in England, they’d laugh in your face and present a boy that can sing Bach well enough to make angels weep.
Not one of your better efforts, Doghouse.
July 8, 2009 at 6:04 am
When Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates yesterday morning, she was greeted by St. Peter. Peter said, “Farrah, you’ve lived an exemplary life. The Boss and I have talked it over, and we’ve decided to grant you one wish. You can have anything you want.”
Farrah considered it, reflected on her life, and–true to her character–made her wish:
“I wish that all the children of the world could be safe.”
Another:
Word has just come on the news wire that the Jackson family does not plan to have Michael Jackson buried or cremated. Instead, they are having his body melted down and made into toys so kids can play with him for a change.
Another:
Meanwhile, doctors have not yet ruled out other causes of death, and are apparently investigating the possibility of food poisoning from over-consumption of ten-to-twelve year old nuts.
July 8, 2009 at 6:56 am
neal peart – the boston of rock drummers
July 8, 2009 at 7:03 am
He’s dead but his royalties live on. I was never a fan and don’t understand anyone who is.
Most of those in mourning are reading a script or living a lie.
July 8, 2009 at 8:18 am
Neil Peart will die after he gets tangled up in his kimono, falls over into his mammoth drum kit, and a gong he stole from a Shinto shrine collapses on him, and then for good measure an oni spits spectral fire all over him.
July 9, 2009 at 7:18 am
Ooohhh…there’s trouble in the forest! I’d smack you with his Xa-NA-dooooo chimes if I could! He stopped wearing the kimono YEARS ago! The rest is accurate, however.
July 8, 2009 at 8:22 am
Michael Jackson’s was the quintessential American Life:
(a) Became super-rich and -famous using a natural talent that required little effort on his part, and that did virtually nothing to make the world a better place.
(b) Used his fame and fortune to his fuel his own weird blend of neuroses (self-loathing, narcissism, stunted sexuality) to heights that would put a less fortunate person on skid row.
(c) Was adored by millions just because he was special.
July 9, 2009 at 5:43 pm
the only thing I’ll quibble with here is the “required little effort on his part”
Nobody makes it in the music business without working their ass off. try it sometime.
July 10, 2009 at 1:00 am
Gettin’ robbed, gettin’ stoned, gettin’ beat up, broken boned, gettin’ had, gettin’ took…
I tell you folks it’s harder than it looks.
July 8, 2009 at 8:49 am
I read both of those Farrah Fawcett jokes and I still don’t get it.
July 8, 2009 at 8:55 am
Allow me to finish off said jokes:
…When Farrah Fawcett arrived at the Pearly Gates yesterday morning, she was greeted by St. Peter. Peter said, “Farrah, you’ve lived an exemplary life. The Boss and I have talked it over, and we’ve decided to grant you one wish. You can have anything you want.”
Farrah considered it, reflected on her life, and–true to her character–made her wish:
“I wish that all the children of the world could be safe.”
Then God snapped his fingers and Michael Jackson appeared right next to her.
July 8, 2009 at 9:22 am
What do MJ and caviar have in common?
They both come on little crackers.
July 8, 2009 at 9:29 am
MJ is finally that translucent shade of white he was aiming for.
For Mr. wonderful: As a ghost
July 8, 2009 at 9:48 am
You want jokes? The joke is on these folks.
http://tinyurl.com/mucv2w
July 8, 2009 at 11:04 am
You can dis Michael Jackson and Farrah all you want, but if you say any shit about Sky Saxon, then you are asking for trouble…
July 8, 2009 at 11:18 am
“Ouch!” screamed Michael, “You’re pushing too hard!”
July 8, 2009 at 11:59 am
Shouldn’t that be, “You’re gonna miss me, baby!”
July 8, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“You’re gonna miss me” is Roky Erikson & 13th floor elevators.
I believe this video has been posted here before, but it’s worth a revisit:
July 8, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Can I have Sky’s stash?
July 9, 2009 at 10:00 am
Y A H O W A
July 9, 2009 at 10:03 am
It is fun to mock, but the beliefs of “The Family” aren’t any nuttier than that of evangelical Christians, Muslims or Hindus. Plus, they had shitloads of tantric sex, what’s not to like?
July 9, 2009 at 2:26 pm
I’m not actually making fun of Father Yod and his followers. I have the 13 cd Ya Ho Wa box set, and I’ve listened to all of it, as difficult as some it to listen to (mostly Yod yelping. The world would be a better place if it were full of stoned peacenicks, though we probably wouldn’t get much done.
The Family is still out there. Here’s their website:
http://www.yahowha.org/
July 8, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Roky Erikson’s 13th Floor Elevators gave me faith that the 60s, during which I was a child, exiting at age 14, really were as crazy as my older cousins said.
This later video provided by grandlaff confirms this faith.
Somewhere exists a stack of prepubescent (before they showed pubes) Playboys next to a pile of Ultimate Spinach and Buckinghams records next to worn paperback copies of Tolkien, Stranger In A Strange land, My Secret Life, and Dune.
July 8, 2009 at 6:11 pm
Except “Creature with the Atom Brain” was recorded in ’79, not the ’60s…
July 8, 2009 at 6:48 pm
True, but the drugs that sparked his hallucinations were certainly ingested in the 60s.
There are plenty of videos of 13 floor guys in the 60s, but I thought the interview was more interesting. Poor Roky really did think he was a demon etc for a time, from what I’ve read.
July 8, 2009 at 9:36 pm
But “You’re Gonna Miss Me” was recorded in the very mid-60s.
July 8, 2009 at 11:14 am
Ancient Michael Jackson joke:
Background: In the early 80′s, comedian Richard Pryor was burned freebasing crack, and Michael Jackson was burned by fireworks filming a Pepsi commercial.
The Joke: “Today Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor set up a scholarship fund for black children who are burn victims. They are calling it the Ignited Negro College Fund”
Truth: Michael Jackson donated generously to the Brotman Medical Center in Culver City and it renamed its burn center in his honor.
July 28, 2009 at 2:23 pm
What’s the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
One got burned by coke, the other by Pepsi.
July 8, 2009 at 11:21 am
What’s the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, plastic, and hazardous to little children. The other is used to carry groceries.
July 8, 2009 at 11:58 am
My wife saw some of the coverage and observed that MJ’s daughter resembles him:
Wife: “She’s got his nose.”
Me: “Well, he wasn’t using it.”
July 8, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I hear the coroner is investigating another possible cause of MJ’s death. Seems he may have eaten a 12 year-old wiener.
July 8, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Now that MJ is dead, he will be cremated. The fat will be rendered from his body and used to make candles.
That way little boys can blow him for a change.
July 8, 2009 at 1:09 pm
What did MJ have in common with Farrah Fawcett?
They both helped young boys masturbate.
July 8, 2009 at 1:11 pm
MJ will be buried at sea.
Strapped to a couple of buoys.
July 8, 2009 at 1:14 pm
How did MJ pick his nose?
From a catalogue.
July 8, 2009 at 1:15 pm
MJ’s family to the funeral director: “Do you take plastic?”
July 8, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Apparently CPR isn’t as easy as ABC.
July 9, 2009 at 9:34 am
I like.
July 8, 2009 at 1:19 pm
During his memorial service, it was said that MJ touched millions.
Personally, I think they are exaggerating a bit.
July 8, 2009 at 1:32 pm
It’s this kind of balanced imbalancedness that makes you the whiskers on the cat’s meow of Ken’s bees knees.
And (cue somber soulful string music, like that Adagio from Barber’s 1st String Quarter that hardly anyone knew until 911 personally threatened NPR programmers to play if ten times a day for three weeks else they’d fly the Chrysler Building smack into Superman’s Fortress of Solitude right onto his mightily self-administered handjob just as he was about to…): while I enjoy crass jokes demeaning the dead as much as anyone, the fact is that a) pedophilia is the new crime of heresy and we are the new Spanish Inquisition, b) the evidence that Jackson actually seduced young men for sexual purposes was, last I knew, vague at best, and most people judge his guilt on the fact that he paid the plaintiffs money to shut up and leave him alone, c) the dude is dead and so can’t hurt any more children if indeed he did, and d) has kids who were, last I heard, still living.
Not to mention that Neal Peart is a grossly overrated drummer, looks silly in silk smoking-in-bath robes, and traded a dopey-looking mustache for a dopey-looking hat.
And, according to one of his older classic tunes, thinks Bangkok, kiddie porn capital of the globe with an inherently sexually graphic name, is a great place to both pull and ride a train.
So *there*.
July 8, 2009 at 2:11 pm
So true. Michael was just like any of us. What middle aged man amongst us hasn’t routinely shared his bed and Jesus Juice with pre-pubescent boys he wasn’t related to while under the watchful eyes of a freakin’ chimp?
Let he who hasn’t partaken cast the first stone.
July 8, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Oh, lord knows what happened. peorgie tirebiter (He’s a cutie and a girl delighter), said IT BEST, i THINK:
“(b) Used his fame and fortune to his fuel his own weird blend of neuroses (self-loathing, narcissism, stunted sexuality) to heights that would put a less fortunate person on skid row.”
There is, in fact, only one thing that folks agree on re: MJ now he’s dead: he probably IS dead, although the death certificate is still a tad ambiguous.
If one doesn;t like the smell of a dead man’s ass and all the stink the media makes from it, pull that nose OUT!
It’s what Jeebus would do.
July 8, 2009 at 2:40 pm
“a) pedophilia is the new crime of heresy and we are the new Spanish Inquisition, b) the evidence that Jackson actually seduced young men for sexual purposes was, last I knew, vague at best,…”
a) I agree with. Whenever anyone says “it’s all about the children” civil liberties are about to be water-boarded b) is just nuts. Watch his interview with Martin Beshir where he brags about the number of children he has shared his bed with. Don’t confuse the McMartin’s with Jacko – they were innocent victims of the new Witch Hunts, he was a rich pedophile who got to buy his way out of prison.
Don’t believe me? Start sharing your bed with different 10 year old boys every night. Six months from now be sure to contact me from prison so we may continue this discussion.
July 8, 2009 at 9:49 pm
The funny thing is that sharing one’s bed isn’t having sex.
Impossible for some horndogs to imagine, I know, but it is nonetheless an impeccably true statement.
I have been accused of pedophilia. By the woman whose child by another man I helped raise even before it left the womb.
Pedophilia is a powerful weapon one can use with great sloppy inaccuracy and, properly applied, considerable profit.
If one is an emotionally frail creature as MJ so apparently was, such trials are gruesomely terrifying.
July 10, 2009 at 8:43 am
“Pedophilia is a powerful weapon ”
*Accusations* of pedophilia, that is.
For the record, I detest the term. Child love: what’s wrong with THAT?
Phonetic solution: pedofeelia.
July 8, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to believe that MJ never did, and quite possibly never intended to, get past what we used to blushingly call “2nd base”, back when I was the age of the boys Michael was getting to 2nd base with. Thinking back to when I was that age, I think that’s pretty much all that those who shared MJ’s apparent persuasion were ever interested in. That’s certainly not comparable to buttraep, I don’t know if it’s really legally-defined molestoring, and I doubt most boys are scarred for life by it, but it’s still pretty gross, and I’d appreciate it if everyone would kindly refrain in future, advthanksance. I know MJ will.
July 10, 2009 at 1:39 pm
“Not to mention that Neal Peart is a grossly overrated drummer … ”
Which proves you’re either deaf, or never actually played drums.
Yes, guys like Buddy Rich, Max Roach, and several other jazz drummers really set the stage and expanded the tools, skills, and theories of drumming in ways no one had, and they don’t get nearly the run they deserve. In fact, I’d probably pick Roach over any others simply for his ability to take something expected and just blowing it out of the water — everything had a rhythm to it, and he often found it.
But Peart simply does things 99.99999% of humans simply can’t. Dude’s an alien or something.
July 11, 2009 at 5:12 pm
i play drums. neal peart overplays teh shit out of everything. hes got chops, but no taste.
July 8, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“Listen, just be glad you weren’t old enough to be subjected to The Jackson Five and the utter degradation of Motown (which was simultaneously fighting to keep Marvin Gaye from releasing “What’s Goin’ On”) that represented. No fucking nine-year-old can sing. That one can occasionally be found who can stay within two flats of the key is not an excuse for a record contract.”
Word. Respect
July 8, 2009 at 3:11 pm
Right on, brother.
July 8, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Shit. There’s was supped to be a link there.
July 8, 2009 at 3:12 pm
I need a drink.
July 8, 2009 at 5:45 pm
That is a classic.
July 8, 2009 at 9:38 pm
This tired old redneck’s tired of rollin’ logs…
July 8, 2009 at 10:02 pm
If Michael Jackson, the Phenom, hadn’t lived and died, you wouldn’t have written this wonderful post, so I like him at least for that.
July 9, 2009 at 8:11 am
Neil Peart taught the world how to love.
Who is Micky Jackson?
What?
July 9, 2009 at 8:56 am
America’s love affair with non-threatening androgynous characters who have both three chord progression technology and Quincy Jones plus either dancing and/or guitar chops, (I see you The Artist formerly known as Jimmi Hendrix’s little brother.)
Jackson had four solo albums before Off the Wall, and they were bad. Then he had three hyper-produced albums with twenty-five co-writers. Some good songs, no doubt, enough for a 70 minutes.
Every other male pop act from Timberlake to Usher basically just rip him the fuck off. There is a severe lack of originality in pop music. When Jackson, Madonna, and Prince came out, they were very original.Alternative Underground Rock and Hip Hop sub-genres is where the originality is at. The thing with Pop is that pop is built around several basic musical devices that the producers already know the human ear has a proclivity for. Be it chord structure, phrasing, vamping, how it’s produced. It hasn’t changed much since the 1980s and the Madonna, Jackson, Prince style. Mike did write some good songs on his own, he was a brilliant dancer for a few years and would have been interesting if he didn’t get so drugged and boozed up, wrote and produced his own material, post 1988. Annh. Probably not. Madonna and Prince haven’t been interesting in years. Prince can blow that guitar, though. Excellent guitar player..and B-ball.
July 9, 2009 at 9:40 am
I recall seeing the 1978 movie The Wiz, first run, in my podunk little nowhere hometown. I was sure that person playing the Scarecrow part was a chick; imagine my shock at the end to find it was MJ, especially since he’d lightened several shades and lost 2 lbs from his nose since the last time pop culture had thrust him in my face as part of the Jackson 5. I do recall thinking, wow, he sure can dance though, so I’ll give him that.
What I won’t be happy about though is the audio viruses he and his engineering teams released upon the world for years, all the bizarro behavior that has been properly noted above as prison time-inducing for any regular prole, or our celebrity-addled gossipmart media for making it seem, for what seems like fucking WEEKS now, like this guy was the savior of all that is saintly and holy about pop music. We all know that “saintly and holy” does not mix with “pop music”, so quit playing us for rubes.
In order to keep my happy happy joy joy going, I’ve been using the hell out of the mute button and the off button lately.
July 9, 2009 at 8:16 pm
wtf?!
July 10, 2009 at 1:07 am
I have oft pondered if the Stormfront crowd eventually gave Michael a pass.
July 10, 2009 at 6:07 am
Jeebus. For one thing, nine year olds can sing. Google ‘Wiener KnabenChor’ — like I am sure you all want to make an MJ joke out of that name, so go ahead…
Or maybe the Archiv Records edition of Trevor Pinnick and Simon Preston directing the Choir of Christ Church Cathedral, Oxford, and the English COncert respectively in the Complete Choral Anthems of Henry Purcell; winner of the Grand Preix du Disque, the Deutsche Grammophon Erster Preis, and the Edison Prize. The triple Crown as it were.
Secondly, I will take ‘Wanna be Startin’ Somethin’ as just one song against ANY you wish to name from Prince.
July 10, 2009 at 6:47 am
I Was A Teenage Castrati. Read the book. See the movie. Play the vivisective game.
July 10, 2009 at 7:20 pm
For Theeds, en tom beau de MJackson:
The children’s favorite clown
July 10, 2009 at 7:25 pm
tombeau
October 14, 2009 at 11:49 pm
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