Query: What kind of misierable low-life steals someone’s welcome mat? What, did you also kick a puppy and punch an old lady as you were carrying it off?
Addendum: And dude, if you live in my apartment building, you won’t even get to use it without running the risk of me seeing it and us throwing down…over a fucking welcome mat. Which would be just about the greatest casus belli ever. Unless you’re planning on gifting a used welcome mat to someone. In which case, you are even more of a miserable son of a bitch than I imagined.
It really tied the hallway together.
Epilogue: But fuck it. It’s the weekend, so I’m gonna go out, get drunk, mourn my welcome mat and dance like this (in my mind at least. The actual version will be decidedly, um, flailingier. Yes, that’s a word.)
September 18, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I… had the time of my life.
September 18, 2009 at 1:35 pm
If I could flail, I would flail to this:
September 18, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Ten bucks says the apartment manager threw it away, because it was starting to smell, and it was against building policy to begin with.
Who needs a welcome mat inside a building, anyway? Do you take some special joy in neglecting to wipe your boots before you come through the outer entrance, and smearing whatever filth you’ve stepped in lately all over the hallway in front of your neighbors’ doors?
A doormat in a hallway is a way of saying “I don’t give a damn about crap on my shoes when I’m in your space, all I care about is my own.”
September 19, 2009 at 9:11 am
As of now, you’re the #1 suspect.
September 18, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I thought this was going to be about Irving Kristol.
September 18, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I’m still looking for one that says what it said on a welcome mat in an old New Yorker cartoon:
NOT UNWELCOME
September 18, 2009 at 5:46 pm
A doormat in a hallway is a way of saying “I don’t give a damn about crap on my shoes when I’m in your space, all I care about is my own.”
In Galt’s Gulch, every apartment or office that opens off an interior hallway features a door mat. Rather than being a welcome mat though, it’s more understood by silent agreement as a “fuck you” mat.
September 18, 2009 at 7:09 pm
probably a little kid took it for a mindless thrill. how much could a healthy white doormat fetch on the open market? 10 cents?
September 21, 2009 at 5:41 am
If it has a picture of Glen Beck’s face on it, more than 10 cents, I’m sure.
Zombie Reagan? Priceless!
September 18, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I suspect the mat has gone missing for nefarious reasons. You should have the entire apartment swept for bugs and stop using your phone to call North Korea.
September 18, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I think your doormat got tired of your cruel pedal abuse and slunk off to somewhere it might be left in peace, perhaps even be respectfully appreciated. I understand Rush is considering a toupee.
September 18, 2009 at 10:11 pm
CUter Than Kittens
September 18, 2009 at 11:00 pm
They really want to go that way? This is really the way they want to go? I think when you find the welcome mat, via skulking around your apartment complex all night with a flask of Jameson’s, you fucking take that mat and nail it to their door and write “I am Gorth Destroyer of Worlds, C-ya tomorrow!”
Or not.
September 18, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Oh, thank Christ. I thought I was the only loser who ever had a welcome mat stolen. And that I was the only one who was actually pissed about it.
September 18, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Mwahaha! Soon I will have all of the used welcome mats so that we can welcome our dark lord to this time/space. Mwahaha…
September 19, 2009 at 7:43 am
There’s a touch of Little Miss Sunshine around 1:05, but otherwise awesome!
September 19, 2009 at 8:08 am
If I were seven years old I might hit on it.
September 19, 2009 at 8:53 am
The horror.
September 19, 2009 at 9:08 am
Oh, and one other thing – I used to feel sorry for myself because I had no welcome mat, until a met a man who had no grill.
September 20, 2009 at 12:02 am
Glad YOUR finger isn’t on The Button, heck, you might just nuke somebody in the heat of the moment or something…
September 20, 2009 at 1:24 am
and another thing;
http://iowahawk.typepad.com/
September 20, 2009 at 5:04 am
People smoke them. They’re woven out of hemp, didn’t you get the e-mail? But the Government doesn’t want you to know.
September 20, 2009 at 11:29 am
Oy oy oy! I thought this is supposed to be the Poor Man Institute! An Institute! Devoted to really, really serious policy analysis on grave matters that affect our nation! And now curv3ball is using it to pursue his petty personal agenda! I demand that curv3ball be fired from the Institute immediately!
Anyway. I want a doormat that reads CAVE CANEM.
– bi
September 20, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I once went into a doorway with that label, believing it to be Madam Whiplash’s Cave of Negotiable Discipline, only to receive a sad disappointment.
September 20, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Failing to find the culprit will be APPEASEMENT!1!1!
September 20, 2009 at 6:34 pm
What kind of misierable low-life steals someone’s welcome mat?
The two sentiments would seem to be mutually exclusive. I sure wouldn’t expect a thief to put out a welcome mat, or someone who put out a welcome mat to be a thief.
September 21, 2009 at 9:37 am
This is just like The Big Lebowski, except with a welcome mat. Instead of a rug.
September 21, 2009 at 4:22 pm
It starts with the mat. Then the door, then the hallway, then the living room… stealing welcome mats is a… wait for it… gateway theft.
September 21, 2009 at 6:28 pm
All your welcome mats are belong to us.
September 21, 2009 at 7:31 pm
I stole stuff in my mid-teens. It was:
1. A thrill.
2. A misguided strike back at “the establishment” (i.e., realizing I had to grow up and get a job, already).
Either that, or Obama’s thugs distributing the wealth.
Vid for Kenmeer, if he lives:
September 22, 2009 at 6:39 am
Yes, the missing doormat can probably be found at the local ACORN office.
September 23, 2009 at 2:31 am
Vid for Kenmeer, if he lives:
After #24, he does not deserve to.
September 24, 2009 at 6:41 am
And yet, my stench lingers on.
Pursuit…Woman…Feather Hat was pretty much the sole track justifying the release of MR.GONE, which had such an awes album cover but little else. (Another Mr.G track, The Elders, was a nice bit of proto-ambient, if one must label these things for the sake of verbal exchange; but the album was mighty lame after the magnificent Heavy Weather which, like various Roman aqueducts, is still in use even to this day.)
Herr doktor bimmler’s willing ruthlessness in the name of comic hygiene is to be applauded, especially by those wearing wooden noise-making mitts as herr doktor huddles handcuffed in a dumpster positioned for maximum aural amplification.
Like the don said: “We’ll make him a refusal he can’t offer.”
Take that!
September 21, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Derbyshire just called. He’ll give you your mat back for the girl’s phone number.
September 22, 2009 at 10:38 am
A neighbor once took my garbage can. When I found it, he apologized and said he only stole the can because another neighbor stole his.
Needless to say, the cops were frequent visitors to that little slice of heaven.
September 23, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Phase 1: Collect “Welcome” mats
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit
September 23, 2009 at 3:25 pm
[...] Go Far Posted by curv3ball under Uncategorized [12] Comments While the previous posts’ title titilated the imagination of many a reader, stoking an expectation that there would be some form [...]