It is coming. There is no escape.
There is your future, right there. These people will run the world. Perhaps only someone who has spent as much time riding the public bus as Your Humble Editors can really see deeply enough into the American psyche to understand how preordained, how cosmically inevitable this is. What do I think, I’m a some kind of Biblical prophet over here, seeing into the future? I don’t like to use those words, but if that’s what it takes to make everybody grovel before me and kiss the hem of my Coat Of Many Colors and take my every word as the Absolute Truth, then, yeah, tough guy, that’s exactly what I am, and you can get down and suck my stone tablets if you don’t like it. The only way – THE ONLY WAY – these people don’t take over the country is if someone even wingnuttier gets there first. We are so fucking doomed.
How’s Obama doing? It’s like this: America is a very, very sick country. The old gal ain’t doing so well right now. Now, we can argue about how she got here and how she might have been achieved her full health potential, but I would hope we should at least agree that the eight years spent undergoing Dr. Dubya’s patented Crack Rock and Drano Enema Therapy, with twice-daily hour-long bullwhippings in the asbetos room administered by Nurse Cheney, may not have been the wisest treatment option. (Regrets, I’ve had a few. And now I recall the advice my sainted mother gave me before she lost her voice at Ypres – “Sonny,” she said – for ‘Sonny’ was the name of the cat she had when she was 9, and my mother liked to drink – “sonny, never trust doctors who only have one name. Even if that name is ‘Feelgood’. And, really, avoid all doctors who have their own Motley Crue song. Just to be on the safe side.”)
So Dr. Obama? Well, there’s not been a miracle recovery, that’s for sure, but I’d argue that the prognosis has improved over the past 12 months. Could he have been move aggressive in his treatment? Perhaps. But I think we would be wise to continue under his care, especially because the only other doctor who will take Grandma America’s case is named Dr. Mengele. Dr. Lucy Furr Hatemeister von Doomenheim Apocolyticon Destruct-O-Matic Mengele, member in good standing of the American Medical and Ritual Devil Worship Murder Association. Who has no face, but merely a skull, a grinning black skull with “666″ carved into the forehead with Satan’s coke nail, and when she speaks no sound comes from her ghastly maw, but instead pour flames and stinking black bile and the skulls of babies and kittens who cry in their tiny baby or kitten voices “Turn back! Turn back now! For the love of all that is not utterly soulless and awful turn back before this monster eats you, too!” And instead of a stethoscope, she carries around her neck a bloody skull, and instead of asprins, she gives you bloody skulls full of poison, and her shadow causes plants and small animals to wither and die and instead of hands she has flaming bloody chainsaws made of skulls, but not in a cool way, and her email address is ‘imtheantichrist1@hotmail.com’ (Scott Stapp got there first). And, I don’t know, I can’t put my finger on it, I just kinda have a weird vibe about her. I’m probably a sexist. But it doesn’t matter, because there is no escape. We are completely doomed.
January 14, 2010 at 7:56 pm
I’m so happy that baby thing stopped interfering with our special time.
January 14, 2010 at 7:58 pm
You know, the whole dependent thingy.
January 14, 2010 at 7:58 pm
it’s selfish, that’s all I’m saying. You spend all your time not amusing us and that’s just mean spirited.
January 14, 2010 at 8:01 pm
I say, let this baby defeat me in Wii Tennis, and then just re-consider the cost-benefit ratio. Just because your cat beat me four times in boxing doesn’t mean anything in 2010. Did you know there are sequels to both Bad Lieutenant and Tron? See?
January 14, 2010 at 8:26 pm
aw. I miss you, The Editors. Even when you’re spooky.
January 14, 2010 at 10:22 pm
Wadda fuck’s a coke nail?
I don’t see how we’ll get much further into this century without a major move toward authoritarianism.
But it won’t be crazy Sarah-type. It will be more like China or Singapore. As natural resources dwindle and human population balloons, any kind of prosperity or peace will require some major new rules and a sheriff who can keep the peace.
Technocratic fascism with continent sized governments.
Or Mad Max barbarism.
Unless Kleber perfects that ProgRock trance ray in time to save the world from itself.
Kleber IS The MelloTron.
January 15, 2010 at 12:07 am
A single fingernail, kept long: like half to three-quarters of an inch. Usually the pinky finger, but ring- middle- and even index-finger variants have been spotted. Useful due to the scoop-like properties of a human fingernail. This may sound somewhat innocuous, but they’re usually yellowed and disgusting.
Cokeheads: not just self-centered assholes, but self-centered assholes with terrible personal grooming habits.
January 16, 2010 at 3:36 am
The Wilderness must be explored! Caw, Caw! Rawr!
Carl understands.
January 14, 2010 at 10:25 pm
Sarah looks so… concerned, and caring. She’s also rqapidly fading from MILF hottie into DHHFM: Died Hair Horse Faced Mutt. IN time, we will see her for what she really is: the Anti Baba Wawa.
January 15, 2010 at 9:08 am
Or Tranny Granny. Her face doesn’t move enough, is that plastic surgery or just too much Botox?
January 15, 2010 at 11:02 am
Man, I missed all you funny people. This boycott until TheEds Kommands the Keyboards again has its own tragic cost, y’know.
January 15, 2010 at 12:22 am
God, you wish it was going to be Palin running things in the Grim Meathook Future(tm and c 2003 Warren Ellis). It’s gonna be Chris “Mister Independent” Dobbs’ smug fucker face smirking beatifically down over the whipsaw.
January 16, 2010 at 7:36 am
lou dobbs?
January 15, 2010 at 4:52 am
Mika Brzezinski’s favorite founding father is Lincoln.
January 15, 2010 at 11:04 am
I think he means ‘foundLing father’?
January 15, 2010 at 5:05 am
Gatorade has electrolytes, it’s what plants crave.
January 15, 2010 at 7:27 am
Lincoln is a perfectly cromulent FF.
January 15, 2010 at 8:54 am
It’s true. And he talks like a Dead End Kid!
January 15, 2010 at 9:10 am
“but not in a cool way”
Then forget it. I vote no regarding that individual.
January 15, 2010 at 10:05 am
Everything I know about George Washington, I learned from Brad Neely.
Which makes me like, 10 times as smart about the founding fathers than Palin.
January 15, 2010 at 10:14 am
It’s good to see that someone is looking at the situation in a level-headed kind of way.
January 15, 2010 at 11:52 am
I believe you forgot the umlauts in Mötley Crüe. But that’s okay, I know you’re rusty.
January 15, 2010 at 12:02 pm
Wow, the Editors and Fafblog in one week. The planets have aligned!
January 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm
This is your future,
http://www.texasdebates.org/video.php
Is Rick Perry the Clown Fuck of the 21st century? Only time will tell.
January 15, 2010 at 4:16 pm
He’s got a lot of competition.
January 15, 2010 at 4:40 pm
I don’t know, he is a goofy bastard. Watch this debate between these three goofballs, he reminds me of W., like he’s doing a W. impression, and I think he is. Who tries to be more like W? A fucking hood who was Al Gore’s 88 Texas Chair.
January 15, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Sad to say, while there is genuine rage out there at the situation the country is in, it is most embodied in the teabaggers: a movement dominated by oldsters waving signs around saying “tea bagging for change!” (frisky granny, that!) while chanting “keep your government hands off my Medicare!” The notion that these “real Americans” have the intellectual heft to connect the dots that we connect about who’s to blame for their plight does not pass the laugh and giggle test.
Because, after all, Bill Orally tells them that their problems are all caused by Messicans and Lie-berals and sosh… soshhaaa… soshaaaalists, and given their sheep-like intellect, well. Idiocracy was not a science fiction movie, my fine-furred monkey friends. It was a prophecy from the future.
- Badtux the Ornery Penguin
(“You kids, get off my lawn!”)
January 15, 2010 at 4:37 pm
If Martha can’t keep that Senate seat in Mass, we are all fucked.
January 16, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Yes. Then get ready for the Scott Brown for President 2012 campaign, and all the stupid Ask What Brown Can Do For You parody campaign commercials, and the Jay Leno jokes about the Brown guy being the white one, and the carved-in-stone pundit narrative that gosh maybe just what the country really needs is a (non-Mormon) Republican from Massachusetts to lead us… somewhere.
January 22, 2010 at 1:37 am
Brown ‘n Romney. The Massoftwoshits. Ehehehe. Uh.
January 15, 2010 at 5:11 pm
Haiti needs zephyrs and dirigibles to distribute aid, more cost effective then choppers, how else can you distribute without roads?
February 2, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I still believe this.
January 15, 2010 at 6:34 pm
kleber, you keep thinking the democrats have solutions that are different than the same republican prescriptions qua the senate.
you are wrong.
yes, having a D for a president makes a big difference, no doubt about it, anyone who says differently is just a stupid fuckhead, but having a 60th sort of progressive “voice” (not that coakley ever says anything of interest to anyone and having met her i can tell you she is almost as smart as your average commenter here) is meaningless. our leader is harry reid. he is feckless. our most important legislation is held to a 60 vote standard and we only have about 25 or so even moderate progressives, so who gives a fuck about one more?
she’s going to lose. i remember dukakis losing in 82 to some douchenozzle because he didn’t campaign and was complacent and no one thought it was possible (the guy he lost to, King? was a classic idiot and embarrassment). it is going to happen again.
January 15, 2010 at 9:13 pm
Cloture is cloture, and 60 votes does matter, and yes we only have 25-30 real progressives. It’s all matter of degree and relativity.
January 15, 2010 at 9:28 pm
i remember dukakis losing in 82 to some douchenozzle because he didn’t campaign and was complacent and no one thought it was possible (the guy he lost to, King? was a classic idiot and embarrassment).
What? You mean Dukakis was Dukakis in 1982? Before Dukakis was Dukakis in 1988?
January 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm
There might be hope for us after all…
January 18, 2010 at 8:30 am
Thank you for that, friend.
Nice to see Mick Ronson strumming the gold-top.
That was an arrow directly into the heart of my youth. I was one of those kids with the bad sweaters dancing in the background.
January 15, 2010 at 8:11 pm
Wait, so you’re saying that our Magical Unity Pony has brought us neither magic, nor unity, nor ponies? But that the opposition is worser?
I guess I can accept that explanation (though I’m still waiting hopefully for my pony).
But don’t forget that Marx explained the majestic Fortune’s Wheel that is our collective human experience: “history repeats itself; the first time as tragedy, the second time as farce.” Now he said this in reference to Napoleon III, who was indeed pretty farcical. But what in the name of Judas Priest could render George W. Bush and the 2001-2009 GOP reign of douchebags a “farce”?
Because whatever that is, it’s what’s coming. Not that crazy skull-laden thing you described. No: imagine Monica Goodling, smearing Wite-Out on a human face, forever.
January 20, 2010 at 1:46 pm
“///smearing white-out on a human face — forever.”
Ah…. good stuff.
Pimp your Orwell.
January 15, 2010 at 8:13 pm
No, wait, ‘tragedy’.
Oh, fuck it.
Though I stand by my characterization of both Monica Goodling and Napoleon III as farces.
January 15, 2010 at 9:38 pm
Hoover –> Tragedy
Reagan –> Farce
Bush Jr. –> Farcerer
Palin –> Roger Corman presents “FARCE!”
January 15, 2010 at 10:13 pm
If this post were any more cheerful, it’d be a Danzig video.
January 16, 2010 at 7:39 am
The problem is that we’re fucked (pick any of: climate, oil, healthcare, rich v poor, etc). Unfortunately, when a large segment of the population has their fingers in their ears and is screaming “no we’re not!!!!”, it’s hard to do anything about it.
It’s times like this I wonder if I should start hoarding guns.
January 16, 2010 at 9:05 am
“I think we’re all indebted to
Gabby JohnsonSarah Palin for clearly stating what needed to be said.…
Not only was that authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.”
January 16, 2010 at 11:08 am
“It’s times like this I wonder if I should start hoarding guns.”
That might work, but I heard the wingers bought up all the ammo once Obama was elected.
January 21, 2010 at 2:25 am
So that is the image of the future of modern neo-conservatism: A clown shoe coming down in a bucket of horseshit – forever.