The NFL off-season is so fucking magical:
Someone recently asked for the advice I’d give to Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Since I took the time to actually ponder the matter, it made sense to summarize the key points here. [...]
Even if he did not have sex, consensual or otherwise, with the alleged victim in Milledgeville, Roethlisberger needs to talk openly and candidly about a lifestyle that seems to suggest the following pattern: (1) go to bars with an entourage that includes at least two off-duty police officers who serve as bodyguards; (2) congregate in the VIP room; (3) let only girls into the VIP room; (4) ply them with drinks; (5) eventually pick one of them for a possible encounter in a more private area of the club; (6) point her out to one of the bodyguards; (7) allow the bodyguard to take her to the more private area of the club; and (8) rendezvous with her there.
Terry Bradshaw is involved, for reasons which are obscure. Maybe because this isn’t stupid enough already.
Apparently the Pittsburgh Steelers intend to suspend him for two games, which seems fair, considering what he did. Or might seem fair, considering what he did, if anyone would say exactly what it is they think he did. All we’re hearing so far seem to be vague “I’m disappointed in you, young man” statements about “poor decisions” and “off-field trouble”, or finger-wagging about only letting drunk girls in the VIP. It seems like there are pretty much three ways it could have gone down. Either:
- He’s a dirty, drunken whore, and someone lied to police;
- He’s a dirty, dirty whore AND an unbelievably obnoxious drunk who takes his pants off and acts crazy and frightens the shit out of people, leading to a big misunderstanding involving the police;
- He’s a rapist.
Let the punishment fit the crime, I say, but that would first require someone say what that crime is. Because these are not really in the same category. Now, I know he’s “innocent” as far as the justice system is concerned, but there’s “innocent didn’t do it” innocent and “innocent OJ Simpson” innocent, and these are not the same thing. (For the record, the current league punishment for being “‘innocent’ but everybody fucking knows you did it” innocent of rape is being sent to the crappy Buccaneers.) If you are suspending him two games (with pay) for a rape, that’s, um, sort of lenient. If you are suspending him two games for being stupid and/or disgusting and/or embarrassing, I’ve got no problem with that, either. But say what you are doing. You – the NFL, the Steelers – have to address the rape issue. You have to say what you think happened. This isn’t quantum mechanics – you can’t punish someone for a superposition of 3 mutually exclusive scenarios, give him the expectation value of justice. Life doesn’t work like that. If you think he’s the victim, say so. If you think it’s a misunderstanding, say so. And if you think it’s rape, or assault, or whatever – if you think it’s probable, or even possible – well, let’s see how seriously you take it. Do you want a rapist as one of your biggest (undeserved) stars? Do you want a probable/possible rapist representing one of your core franchises?
April 18, 2010 at 9:09 pm
…
April 19, 2010 at 2:06 am
Update: he committed the ultimate career-stopper.
April 18, 2010 at 11:03 pm
That is a pretty grave string of problems. I’m so glad AP has it from the career angle and not the dead bodies and/or victim angle.
April 19, 2010 at 12:02 am
Luis Polonia.
April 19, 2010 at 1:54 am
OK, The Editors, you are acutely aware of the fact that you do not know whether or not there was some rape, and that, furthermore, you are not the authority that will ultimately decide whether or not there was some rape.
What you seem to be uncomfortably stupid about, however, is the fact that the NFL (or the Steelers) does not know whether or not there was some rape, and is not the authority that will ultimately decide whether or not there was some rape.
The people who know whether or not there was some rape are Ben Wosnamefeller and one or maybe more mercifully unnamed women. The authority that will ultimately decide whether or not there was some rape is called “the criminal justice system.”*
That authority tends to move even more slowly than booth-review instant replay officials, so it is understandable that to a die-hard football fan, this effectively geological “justice system” process will fade so far into the background as to prompt the assumption that the NFL, or perhaps ESPN, must be doing– well, whatever they’re doing– based on some scrupulous rape-or-not-rape fact-finding by their crackerjack, striped-jerseyed investigative department.
Instead of, I dunno, maybe just doing stuff for publicity purposes, like some tawdry entertainment outfit.
* with, of course, a possible override by the so-called “civil courts”, thus neatly enveloping your (all sensible white people know that) OJ (was guilty) example.
April 19, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Why even crazy black people know OJ did it.
April 19, 2010 at 2:18 pm
Did what? Contract out a ‘hit’ on Nicole and her coke dealer?
That I might believe.
April 20, 2010 at 7:42 pm
Schrodinger’s cat did it: http://www1.chapman.edu/~Babbie/idlethoughts/didojdoit.html
April 22, 2010 at 8:30 am
And here I thought Michael Moore had written the dumbest OJ excuse note possible. Wow! Earl Babbie makes Moore look like legal genius by comparison.
April 21, 2010 at 4:04 pm
As somebody who lives in Milledgeville, I respectfully submit that you do not know what you are talking about. Roethlisberger basically {owns} Milledgeville; his compound is a world in itself, and no one may trespass – even police – without his permission. His presence in Milledgeville is equivalent to the arrival of royalty, and when he selects a ‘toy’ for the night, she is summoned, regardless of age or status, to his presence. The victim was not of the town, and did not know what was to be required of her. It is not a coincidence that the video was “accidentally” deleted – the police there know their place, and perform accordingly. The fact that she complained was unheard of; it forced the NFL to react. Was there rape? I wasn’t there, but based on the comments and experiences of girls from before, I’d bet on it.
Milledgeville is Roethlisberger’s personal domain, and he knows it.
April 23, 2010 at 8:57 am
It’s good to be the King.
April 19, 2010 at 2:05 am
Well yeah, but does he throw TD passes? Stop pissing a fit.
April 21, 2010 at 6:55 pm
OK, in Big Ben’s defense, he DOES pack a chew (apparently), he IS rather big and “manly,” and he DOES make a lot of money. I’m sorry, I’m not sure what you liberal pussies are looking for these days.
April 19, 2010 at 6:48 am
All I know is that when I watch football, I think, “What an awful lot of closed head injuries!”
April 19, 2010 at 7:28 am
Whatever happens (I live in an at-will employment state and can’t get all that energized about what happens to multi-milionaires), I want the phrase “put himself in a bad situation” to be retired with extreme prejudice.
April 19, 2010 at 2:06 pm
“at-will employment state”
Free at last! Free at last! Great god amighty free at last!
Back before T-shirts bearing messages were replaced by ChatRoulette Show Your Tits! hats, a friend had a T-shirt that read:
LICENSED SOCIAL INTERACTIONIST: Guaranteed Sane
April 19, 2010 at 8:19 am
roethliswhatever should stick to missionary position instead of quantum super-position is the problem.
April 19, 2010 at 4:54 pm
But how could they possibly say what they’re penalizing him for? If they say they’re penalizing him for rape, then they’ll have to prove it, and if the proof existed he’d be going to trial now. I don’t see how they could say what they’re penalizing him for. So instead they’re doing the best they can, giving him a middling penalty for an unprovable yet seemingly obvious crime.
April 19, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Oooh, they’re doing the best they can! And doing pretty well too, I guess!
April 20, 2010 at 6:26 am
The NFL has a policy on disciplining players that pretty much says, straight out, that the league can suspend players for anything the Commissioner thinks is embarrassing or potentially embarrassing to the league. So what they’re punishing Big Ben for is ‘being an asshole in public.’ Whether he committed the rape or not, from the league’s POV having a star quarterback credibly accused, twice, of rape is bad for business. That’s what he’s getting suspended for, not the rape he probably committed.
April 19, 2010 at 8:25 pm
You’re looking at this from the wrong angle. It’s a reward not a punishment. Ben’s getting two paid vacation days for having the class to whip it out and say, “Do what you want with this.” In the NFL, that’s Cary Grant-talk.
April 20, 2010 at 3:39 pm
“Big” Ben: Likes to ask drunk co-eds for sex/has forcible sex with drunk co-eds/is SO FUCKING COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD THAT DRUNK CO-EDS SIMPLY THINK HIS RECITAL OF “THE WASTELAND” IS ASSAULT.
Peyton Manning: Asexually buds/”Audibles” until partner falls asleep
Tom Brady: Supports children from a Hollywood starlet AND a billionaire Brazilian supermodel.
Advantage: Patriots
April 22, 2010 at 3:39 pm
[...] But while Roethlisberger will not be found guilty of a crime in this case, that does not mean he is innocent, and indeed, in his statement to the media, the prosecutor liberally hinted that he thought a rape had occurred, going so far as to refer to the victim in this case as, well, “the victim.” And this is not an isolated incident, but rather a pattern of behavior that indicates strongly that while Roethlisberger might be free from conviction, he is not free from guilt; if anything, the evidence strongly suggests that he is a predatory rapist. [...]
April 22, 2010 at 4:42 pm
[...] But while Roethlisberger will not be found guilty of a crime in this case, that does not mean he is innocent, and indeed, in his statement to the media, the prosecutor liberally hinted that he thought a rape had occurred, going so far as to refer to the victim in this case as, well, “the victim.” And this is not an isolated incident, but rather a pattern of behavior that indicates strongly that while Roethlisberger might be free from conviction, he is not free from guilt; if anything, the evidence strongly suggests that he is a predatory rapist. [...]